Ah, could I lay me down in this long grass
And close my eyes, and let the quiet wind
Blow over me—I am so tired, so tired
Of passing pleasant places! All my life,
Following Care along the dusty road,
Have I looked back at loveliness and sighed;
Yet at my hand an unrelenting hand
Tugged ever, and I passed. All my life long
Over my shoulder have I looked at peace;
And now I fain would lie in this long grass
And close my eyes.
Yet onward!
Cat birds call
Through the long afternoon, and creeks at dusk
Are guttural. Whip-poor-wills wake and cry,
Drawing the twilight close about their throats.
Only my heart makes answer. Eager vines
Go up the rocks and wait; flushed apple-trees
Pause in their dance and break the ring for me;
And bayberry, that through sweet bevies thread
Of round-faced roses, pink and petulant,
Look back and beckon ere they disappear.
Only my heart, only my heart responds.
Yet, ah, my path is sweet on either side
All through the dragging day,—sharp underfoot
And hot, and like dead mist the dry dust hangs—
But far, oh, far as passionate eye can reach,
And long, ah, long as rapturous eye can cling,
The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake,
Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road
A gateless garden, and an open path:
My feet to follow, and my heart to hold.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

The moon lay low above the sea, and all the flowing gold and flashing silver of the rippling, running water seemed to be a flood going that way and falling into the shining hollow of the moon. Oh, that the tides of my heart, for ever flowing one way, might fall to rest in the hollow of a golden moon.


Fiona MacLeod “Silence of Amor”

Something about Winter and being housebound in the cold brings out a terrible restlessness in me. All the things I have wanted to do come to the forefront and demand my attention.  It really is far to early for such things as most years this waits until March.  The cold weather remains with us though next week, thankfully, promises some relief and a change to open the door without losing ones breath.

Many thoughts are spinning in my head today, most of them impossible dreams, but I find myself browsing the pages of school admissions for the most unlikely of goals, far too lofty and time-consuming to be realistic.  The years of commitment it would take would be far beyond what I could take from those to depend on me.  So many depend on me here and there are days I grow weary of it. Most days I realize how much I love them and how much I would give to protect and care for them.  Still there is always that little voice in the back of my head, the one reminding me of things I could have done.

When I was a little girl I was not raised to achieve lofty goals, I was raised to get married. That was often the case though I wish I had been raised to value myself more.  The goals fell to my brother who never quite measured up to the expectations.  Neither of us were taught  to pursue our joy or bliss or to find what was out there for usIt was just the way things were and my parents did the best they could with what they were given.  Now I see what opportunities are out there and though in my college days I would have battled against a double standard, I could have done much more.  That double standard was strong even when I was in school and somehow as I find myself browsing the admissions requirements for my particular passion, I remember the guy in a class whose goal it was to be a doctor. I can see his face to this day and his sneer as he made it clear I did not have what it takes. I wonder what became of him, if he made the cut and if so if anything humbled him along the way.  I hope so. At that time I had no such aspirations to become a doctor, but I realize now I could have.

Forgive my silly ramblings on a cold winter day as I think of all the things that could have been.  It is time to pop back to life and remember with appreciation all the things I have around me.  Life has many roads.

Three years ago I came to this site and started blogging. I look at it now and wonder where the time has gone.  Time goes so quickly now so I try to savor the seasons, even winter. January blew in with a blast of frigid air, right behind the snowfall of the holidays. We were spared some of the snow but the deck still holds about a foot. Unfortunately it warmed for the second part of the snow, melting the beautiful coating out of the trees and covering everything with a sheet of ice.

January is cold and icy but through the window the sun shines most days and the skies at night are clear and filled with stars. I am becoming more aware of the stars slowly, watching the constellations and the shift of the moon. The blue moon of the new year was breathtaking, lighting up the snow, giving the landscape the look of a painting you might find on  a seasonal card.  I did try to watch for the January Meteor shower, but it was too cold to stand by the deck door for long.  There will be no more meteor showers until April and this should bring better weather for stargazing.

The last few days I spent some time looking over 2009 and how it changed me. Some change was good but riding that storm of change was maybe not so good. I have learned not to trust once again. I have always been a trusting person, opening myself to people when I feel they really want to know who I am. That trust was badly breached this year and it will be slow to come again.  With this I have recognized who I am and who I cannot be. There are people out there who cannot be around me. They cannot enter my circle because they just do not belong there. We cannot mix with everyone, it is a truth, not sad, just a truth. I am weary of wondering what I have done wrong and recognized a pattern of apologizing for the bad behavior of others, when in fact they deserve no such apology. I cannot change for others and I will not.  Much has been said about me by a few this year and it has left me incredibly weary and dealing with a pretty powerful anger. I have pulled more and more inside of myself to recover and regain a sense of balance.

There have been positive things, realizing how strong I am and also knowing what I believe to be true.  Over the past three years those things I discovered one Autumn day on a trail have stayed with me through it all.  Along with this my heart has not wavered. We will never understand everything we find in this life. I love the why but sometimes it is not ours to know. I would like to know how I can feel so strongly for another person so far away, something so powerful and true, I know it will be with me all of my life.  He holds the key to my heart with his words and something I see deep inside of him. I would like to know why, but I do not think I ever will.  Some people are a gift,  people we feel we have known forever.  I have met a friend who lives far away by the sea. He too is one of these people who feels like someone I have known before. There are places I feel I have been before and those still call me in an unmistakable voice.

There are many more things I could say to wrap up another years passing but for now my emotions are too strong and I need to take it in segments.  There are beautiful things I will always remember and things I hope I can put behind me.  I need to clear out the emotions that stand in the way of my words and hamper my ability to hear those who speak in whispers.  January is here with its cold clear nights making me want to pile on the covers , sleep and dream.  My dreams remind me that without the snow and cold we cannot treasure the spring that follows.

Clouded with snow
The cold winds blow,
And shrill on leafless bough
The robin with its burning breast
Alone sings now.

The rayless sun,
Day’s journey done,
Sheds its last ebbing light
On fields in leagues of beauty spread
Unearthly white.

Thick draws the dark,
And spark by spark,
The frost-fires kindle, and soon
Over that sea of frozen foam
Floats the white moon.

Walter de la Mare

“The night is darkening round me, The wild winds coldly blow; But a tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go. The giant trees are bending Their bare boughs weighed with snow. And the storm is fast descending, And yet I cannot go. Clouds beyond clouds above me, Wastes beyond wastes below; But nothing dear can move me; I will not, cannot go.”

Emily Bronte “Spellbound”

Swiftly the dews of the gloaming are falling:
Faintly the bugles of Dreamland are calling.
O hearken, my darling, the elf-flutes are blowing,
The shining-eyed folk from the hillside are flowing,
I’ the moonshine the wild-apple blossoms are
snowing,
And louder and louder where the white dews are
falling
The far-away bugles of Dreamland are calling.

O what are the bugles of Dreamland calling
There where the dews of the gloaming are falling?
Come away from the weary old world of tears,
Come away, come away to where one never hears
The slow weary drip of the slow weary years,
But peace and deep rest till the white dews are
falling
And the blithe bugle laughters through Dreamland
are calling.

Then bugle for us, where the cool dews are falling,
O bugle for us, wild elf-flutes now calling–
For Heart’s-love and I are too weary to wait
For the dim drowsy whisper that cometh too late,
The dim muffled whisper of blind empty fate–
O the world’s well lost now the dream-dews are
falling,
And the bugles of Dreamland about us are calling.

Fiona MacLeod

New Years Eve has arrived once again, 2009 slipping by so quickly.  The Blue Moon arrives tonight, the second full moon in month.  Enjoy the day and night and the energy this moon brings.

Today is a quiet day with soft light snow and clouds.  I am taking a break between household tasks to enjoy the moment and the season.  Christmas Eve and Day went smoothly though I find myself changing each year more and more.  The day itself does not hold the magic it used to, while I embrace the season of Yule much more.  Thinking back I suppose it has always been that way for me, celebrating a season, not a  day or two, and wondering why others felt it was over while I did not.

Sometimes the best days are after, the days leading up to the new year and even beyond.  There is a strong sense of things for me and though I cannot explain it, it seems the things and people I connect with grow closer during this time.  Tomorrow evening will be quiet, spent at home with family.  So many years I have brought in the New Year while working, so it is almost strange to be at home.  This year the moon will be waiting to join me,  a blue moon for the New Year, with a partial lunar eclipse as well. We may not view the eclipse from all parts of the world, but no doubt the energy will be with us all.  I do not know if I will see the moon tomorrow as there are some clouds in the forecast, but I did see her last night. The light of the moon reflected off the snow and it gave the impression that the moon was truly blue, a blue hue in the night sky.  It was so beautiful, like an enchanted winter landscape.  I thought nothing could beat the full moon in summer, reflecting of the waters of our pond, but now I am not so sure.

There are so many things going through my mind now that a new year approaches. I realize I have changed over the past year, grown stronger and more aware of myself.  Some of it was hard and involved unpleasant events but I think now it was worth it.  Still there are those days when I scarcely know who I am, but then we all have days like that.

Today I am the one who needs to get set up office equipment, my office moving to home.  Kindly delivered by my workplace, the hookup yesterday was nothing short of a fiasco, too many helpers, their best intentions at heart, when things would be better done alone.

Enjoy your New Years Eve, and enjoy the moon and the energy she will bring to us all.

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