You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August, 2007.
Yesterday was a busy noisy day. My son and I braved the fair. We have a very large fair here, in fact it is, I believe, the largest one in the country. When we finally made it home, I felt as if my feet had been crammed in shoes a size too small. I don’t care for large scale chaos like this anymore, I’m not sure when that happened, but my son loves to go so go we did. It was fun even with the noise and crowds though I could have cut the time there in half.
Last night when it was quiet and the house was asleep except for me, it was a beautiful time. As I sat in the stillness I found myself becoming increasingly restless and bored. I was surprised at that reaction. As there was no one to sit and talk to into the night, at least not the person I wanted, I made my way out to the deck and sat in the moonlight. It was a glorious night, clear and still, the first coolness of fall hitting the air. There’s nothing like a still beautiful night to let your mind drift to other places. It seems to drift to the same place now more and more, and to the same person.
It’s funny how we can have such a strong connection to someone in this life, and once we find that person there is no denying it, no moving away from it. It’s just there, or should I say they are just there walking with you through the days. It’s almost as if I speak and they hear me. For now I know I must be patient and all things will find a way. That’s what the message was with my last working, patience and love. It’s there and the rest will come in time.
Last night I had hoped to work by the light of the moon. Unfortunately it was under the clouds. Still the energy that came with the full moon and the energy following the eclipse was still present.
Earlier in the day I had prepared those things I was to work with and I had hoped to do some gentle workings more in the area of affirmations than anything else. As I sat here last night firing off an email in response to a post elsewhere, I took notice of my one cat sitting in the utility room. She had been there the previous night as well. My first thought was “oh no, not another wee mouse that has made it’s way inside.” She is fast and accurate and I knew if there was a mouse it was doomed. Yes I am tenderhearted and was not in the mood to witness her work. As I watched her, her gaze followed the walls and ceiling and I knew at once it could not be a mouse. As I watched I nearly jumped out of my chair as a small light flew past the doorway of the room. Now, I feel things all the time. I’ve admitted to that. I sense when things are close. Seeing things, however, is something different to get used to. Other than the white mist, I have seen nothing and have been quite content to leave it that way.
The cat proceeded to run into the main room where I was sitting and follow the wall. I did my best to remain calm and proceeded with my workings lighting the room with candles. I saw the light two more times, in the left side of the room. Who or what was here, I don’t know. It remains here today. The cats are poised by one side of the room and have been there for four hours. There is nothing menacing about it and in fact it seems rather shy. I have not seen anything since last night.
Whether this is something new that is changing with me, I can’t be sure. It would seem that my ability to perceive things is shifting. Perhaps it was just the moon and the events that took place surrounding it. If it is a shift, I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I suppose I’ll cultivate it like all things and move forward.
Tonight I’ve been watching the moon as it shines golden on a warm August night. There is not a trace of a breeze and the sounds that fill the summer seem amplified by the stillness. It has been a quite day filled with long walks and many thoughts of things that were and things that have yet to come.
As I sat and thought about things today, I realized how different I am now. That woman I was a year ago is no more. This has impacted my life greatly in different ways. The life I held as the other person no longer has the same connections for me. I could never understand how people could go away from the things they had, taking a turn on the road of life that would lead them in new directions. I now have an understanding of it, for when you change like this, nothing is ever the same again.
This last year has been terribly trying for the people close to me who had no idea what was happening. I can honestly say I almost abandoned them and only a strong sense of “this is what is right” kept me doing the things that I did. Now I find that I’m looking at my children again, almost for the first time and seeing them as the individuals that they are. The mother that they knew, she is gone, but I am wrapping the person I am now, around the life that was here.
If it was just me, I don’t know where I would be now. There are things calling me, things that I can’t ignore. Where I am supposed to be in this life, I am not sure, but it seems there is a purpose for me, one that I am just discovering. Perhaps when I travel, no I have not given that up, I will discover what it is I am looking for.
It would be wonderful if we knew all the answers, at least I think it would. Perhaps we would be given a booklet, turn to page 5, and we would be told what comes next. Instead life for me, has been a series of pushes and shoves, messages to move forward. Perhaps one day I will be writing from some far away place, wherever that might be. For now I can only sit and listen, wondering why this has all come my way.
This Tuesday 8/28/07 marks the full moon for August. As I said in earlier, I can feel the energy from it already. My datebook marks the time as 5:35 my time as the actual beginning of the full moon. This Tuesday also marks a total lunar eclipse, an event that can only occur during the full moon and one that is not scheduled to happen again until 2011. Fortunately I was breezing through the news and caught this, or I would have missed it. My plan is to watch this event and hopefully the weather will cooperate. I have included the link to the NASA site so you can convert the times for your area.
It’s been a bit of a struggle the past couple of weeks. It seems as if things have been coming at me from all sides. These were not just the ordinary things of day to day life, but were personal attacks mounted by those who clearly wish to hurt me. I’m no perfect person by any means, and some of the things said were probably not undeserved. However, after being name called and accused unjustly of things, I was ready to crawl away and never be heard from again.
As I sat pondering all of it, all things negative started to creep in on me, as they do when I get sidetracked in this way. Fortunately things are turning around and I know that I will make it, no matter what others would choose to do. I’m working on my tender heart and spirit, knowing it needs to toughen up a bit against the world. I’ve always been quite sensitive and things cut me too easily.
Things that seemed out of reach now seem within my grasp again and I am determined to move forward. I am still a bit swept away with emotion but those emotions have changed and I feel myself drifting into a place filled with beautiful intensity. Perhaps it is the energy of the coming full moon that is filling me, or perhaps it is the love, that one I can’t explain, reaching from the shadows, walking by my side. Those things deep within me tell me it’s both.
For those who would work against me, they will look but see only themselves standing alone.
Have you ever noticed when you’re in one of “those moods” nothing funny seems to come on the television. The last couple of days I’ve been besieged with movies that did nothing to bring a laugh or dry a tear. Some of it, of course, is summer programming, enough to make the strongest man cry. Usually when I’m in this mood, I’m blessed with Tristan and Isolde, filled with beautiful music, beautiful scenery, beautiful poetry and well..acting.
Normally, I’m not a huge television watcher. I love movies but that is about it. Last night I turned on “The Break Up” out of desperation. I figured Vince Vaughn could force a laugh from me if all else failed. The first few minutes were funny, and then it was a showcase of how vile two people could be to one another. This culminated in a failed patch up at the end, no doubt caused by too much “water under the bridge.” It felt horrible. I know I watched something else as well, as I couldn’t sleep. It must have been memorable.
Tonight I rented a movie on pay per view, desperate thing that I am. I watched “The Painted Veil.” I’d rather not spoil another movie for those who haven’t seen it. It was moving and tender and I won’t say another word. It is worth a watch if you don’t mind something not action packed. It didn’t do much to dry my tears, but at least I was left with something of love.
My heart is a bit tender right now, not because I just suffered some horrible fate in love. It just has been feeling the stress of a long couple of weeks and it needs nurturing as do I. As we go through life, many of us nurture others but so often fail to find it for ourselves. Perhaps we forget about it as we stay busy with the tasks of day to day living. It has a way of catching up to us, reminding us that we must all make sure our heart and souls are nurtured. Without it we walk through life with a silent heartbeat.
My friend has just joined WordPress. She comes from another blog site where I post. She is working on her site so it might go through some changes from day to day, but her posts are starting to go up. You will enjoy her I think, so give it a look when you have a moment. The picture is just an afterthought as she loves mermaids.
http://mermaidsmuse.wordpress.com/
Sometimes I wonder how we make it from day to day, with all of the things we go through, the ups and downs, the doubts and worries. It seems like everything is just going along nice and smooth and then we hit the bumps in the road that throw us into these places. I’ve been there for the past few days. It’s not been the easiest but it’s coming around. It seems like once the first negative emotion gets a grip, the others just follow. Perhaps it is because we open ourselves with worry to all of the things that are waiting to make their way to us. It sure seems to work that way with me. As I go through this period filled with doubts I know things will come out alright in the end. They always do, but it’s difficult to remember that when your stomach is tied in a knot.
Today I took the time to sit down and ask for a little clarity and some other things. It’s amazing how much it helped and how much better I feel now. It’s not a skill I’ve honed over the years, this asking for what I need thing. I need to do it more. Things are not perfect, but then life isn’t perfect, at least for most of us, and each of us would have a different idea of what perfect would be.
For me, as a long time single mom, I guess security would be the number one thing, not riches, I don’t need riches, just enough to be secure. Then love, just someone to love me. He’s out there, I feel him all the time. I just wish he was here. Other than that, my kids and good health for all of us would be enough. It’s never taken too much to make me happy. For now I have some of it, and I’m very fortunate when I look at others in this world.
Of course, if that perfect life should happen to come my way, I’ll not voice any objections.
Today has been one of those domestic days. I don’t have a great many of them, but when I do I like to spend the day in the kitchen cooking. So far I’ve cleaned the kitchen, made a hotdish (so midwest of me) and a cake. I still have more things I want to make as well, and then clean the kitchen again. As I was putting the cake in the oven, a chocolate bundt cake, I was reminded of the first scene on this video.
Some time back I took one of those quizzes, what is the color of your soul, or something like that. When finished I was surprised to end up brown. I sat reading my description as earthy and had never thought of myself that way at all. I wanted to be red, or pink or something “prettier.”
Yesterday I went for a long walk with my son and the dog. We took some new turns and discovered more trails. These trails led into wooded areas, all green and misty from the shadows and rain of the day. As we walked I wanted to capture it all on camera this quiet beauty, still but for the soft sounds of a late summers day. As I sat and thought about it I realized yes, the color of my soul is brown. This is where I find my peace and contentment. This is where I can really listen and where I renew the energy that fills me. The color brown is like the earth, filled with all of nature that surrounds us. What could be more beautiful than that.
This afternoon I found these words on a friends blog. These are good words to remember and much of what I found myself doing over the past year. There are still many things I need to get through, but then, don’t we all.
“What you bring forth out of yourself from the
inside will save you. What you do not bring forth
out of yourself from the inside will destroy you.”
– Gospel of Thomas
Today is a much better day. The administrators at the other blog site are watching my tormentor closely. He/she/whomever became more civil briefly with a benign post, only to ad more nasty verbiage to their profile this morning. It was put there to provoke me no doubt, but will not get the desired response. All comments are closed to their blog, in the true spirit of cowardice.
It’s all very amusing now if not a bit pathetic. My legs are back under me once again, and I am no longer shaken by these attempts to unnerve me. I will admit, yesterday, it left me reeling. I sat and explored this at length with myself last night and if nothing else this person helped me to realize that there are things still bothering me, things from my past I thought I had moved beyond. Why else would this have bothered me so. Even nasty people can help you along your path it seems.
My past contains a long history of emotional abuse especially at the hands of men. I do not hate men, so don’t expect a man hating rant. There are a great many delightful men in this world. I just chose badly. However, when this person, in the guise of a man, started in on me and invalidated all of my feelings it really hit me hard. I realized not only did I feel bad, but before the day was out, I had given him all the power and backed down into my little shell of hurt. Fortunately before the night was over I came back out stronger for my experience and thankful that I was able to look within and grow from what was an unpleasant experience.
Today is brighter and more beautiful. This person is fast shriveling in their little world of hate. Without an audience or a victim, where can they go but down.
Today I walked to the lake with my son and the dog. We’ve been making a habit of it lately, since his friend has been out of town. It’s good to have the time together and the dog is relishing the outings. It was very still and peaceful today, the water almost like glass except for the ripple from the gentle breeze. There were strong storms last night and they cut the power to the beach, so the usual visitors that crowd the lake on a warm summer’s day were absent.
As we walked the path to the lake I could see the first of the leaves falling and the occasional burst of red from the sumac, already starting to change. The end of summer approaches and fall is right around the corner. I love fall, it’s my favorite season, with the brilliant colors, warm days and cool nights. There is something about it that has always felt just right to me. Still the summer has gone so fast it seems. There are many more warm days to be had and I plan on enjoying each one. The time spent with my son, who at fourteen still likes to be seen with his mom, is something that will be a good memory.
It seems, especially when we are busy, that time passes by us almost in the blink of an eye. As I get older I know now what my parents meant. It seems I notice the change of season with a new awareness, each day marking a time in my life that will never return, but a time moving forward that is yet to be discovered.
It doesn’t make me sad, this passage of time, as I have been fortunate, at least in the past year, to find so many things I was missing. To me this life is turning into quite an adventure bringing a past together with the present, one that will perhaps follow me when I move on. Who knows what comes with each day, if we knew, that bad ones might make us give up. What then would we miss but the people and things waiting to find us on the journey through this thing called life.
Tonight I’ve been visiting blogs listed on blogroll. I hadn’t done this in quite a few days and felt I should catch up. My social blog was unavailable and my friends there, from across the pond, fast asleep.
As I went from blog to blog, I found myself amazed again at some of the blogs here. Some of these , blogs are beautiful, works of art that fill us with just a glance. Some are of different faiths, faiths I’ve had little exposure to, weaving their poetry as they go along a spiritual path. It’s amazing how much things cross over from faith to faith, but we are often too angry at one another to realize it. Some are stirring and poetic, some filled the work from the writers pen. Some are reflections into the soul and some are this and that blogs filled with the toughts of every day life. One I recently found has killer recipies. I can’t go there very often,
As I journeyed through my blog roll I clicked on one of the first that I had added. It was written by a young man, so young I was blown away when I found out his age. He was 14 at the time, the same age as my youngest son. His vision and insight into the world was stunning at times, while other times I was reminded of the inner self of the teen. He told me I “rocked” and I was flattered more than he will ever know. Tonight when I clicked on the link, his blog was gone. I clicked about three times hoping there was an error, but there was not. He is young and certainly he has things to do. One of those things I hope he does is to continue to explore the world of writing. His talents were there already, at such a tender age.
It’s such an emotional weekend for me, and now I feel like a little piece of me is gone. It’s silly I’m sure, but I bonded with this kid in some way, and now who knows where the road will take him. May it always bring him good things. So the beat of life goes on, I guess, people drifting on and off our paths and in and out of our lives.
Some days ago I wrote a post that talked about a white mist I had seen one day in this very room. At the time of that experience, my cats started sitting by one of the vents in the living room. I thought at the time that perhaps a rodent had gotten in but that didn’t turn out to be the case. They don’t sit by there every day but some days they are glued to the spot.
I have not seen this mist since that first day. Last night my son went into the living room from this room. When he entered he saw again, white, over in the area of the vent. It left quickly upon his arrival. At the time of the first vent activity with the pets, my daughter had told me there was a crack in the ceiling below where the vent was located. As I was blogging I remembered and looked behind me. There indeed was about a two foot crack in the ceiling, almost a cut like mark.
How the vent, the crack and the white mist are related, I really can’t say. I know that something is with us in our home. It is not malevolent in any way, and appears to be curious and rather shy. I have felt things at times, when I sit here writing. Sometimes it’s a touch on the hair, sometimes it’s a touch on the face or arm, all very soft. Again it’s not alarming just very gentle and it never feels alarming.
Someone with more experience in these things told me that a white mist is as close to materializing as a spirit can come without actually showing themselves. I’m wondering if we will ever see a person and if we do, if I can remain calm. I’m hoping that I get the opportunity to find out more but as these things go, you can never tell.
The last couple of days I’ve been trying to write something here. I can’t tell you how many drafts I have saved in a futile effort to put my thoughts to paper, or the blog if you will. It seems I end up talking about weather, kids, computer issues, all valid topics, when instead I want to try and convey the many things going through me at this moment.
That need for someone, company, perhaps companionship, is still present and quite strong. If this compnay was here, I wonder if I might run into the same issue of talking about this and that, rather than sharing those things deep inside myself. It seems over the years, for various reasons, I’ve become quite a private person, almost hermit like, as someone had asked me. Perhaps it was my need to feel safe from things that would hurt me, perhaps it was just too many years of no one really listening. The things I’ve managed to blog here are amazing to me, little pieces of me but bits and pieces just the same.
Now it seems those things that have been waiting beneath the surface are ready to be heard. These are not bad things for the most part, they are my hopes, my dreams, my past and my present, the pieces that make me who I am. It is my hope that I will find someone to listen, really listen, not an easy skill and one that I don’t always do well. It is in my nature to want to make it better. Others may want to give advice, when really all the person wants is just someone to hear them. Certainly I know I have listeners here, apparently from all parts of the world. Cluster Maps are a fascinating thing.
I’ve made some new friends recently and I’ve found some souls that seem to understand many of the things that I feel. As with all people, they have many things going on in their lives as well. I’m hoping we can make listening something we can do for each other. If not I suppose I could write a book about my journey through this life, an idea I have recently entertained. For now I will continue to try and put small pieces of myself here on the pages of this blog, and perhaps over time I will be able to paint a true picture of the person behind the words.
As my work week approaches, I realize I am not ready. I need another night off to recuperate from the last one. Unfortunately I’m hording my time off for travel, so it’s to work I go. Perhaps it will be a good thing, taking my mind off things for a bit.
The later morning was spent sleeping, as I was up all to early for one who works nights. Then it was figuring out what happened to my system last night while I was in bed. The entire thing was crashed when I got up this morning. I couldn’t get online, my virus scanning was disabled and it was just plain a mess. My sense of panic at that moment was great. I did, obviously get back on and things are now working again. Still I’m going to have to hand things over to my oldest son’s partner who fixes computers for fun. Yes, I am very lucky. He will clean it and upgrade everything as he did last year when we moved. My youngest son’s little friend appears to be a budding hacker and did some screwing around with things last night. This particular son of mine can’t lie, so told me everything that he knew. Apparently for starters this kid set the date to 2099 on my system, just to see what would happen. What else he did I can’t be sure. I received a link to change my windows password this afternoon, per my request. Considering I hadn’t requested it I found that a bit disturbing. I know there was a light on in the night and I should have checked it out. I did go to the top of the stairs and it appeared to be the light leading to the lower level(here). I’m wondering now what was going on. My son was sleeping, I saw him and quite frankly he doesn’t have the tech skills to do anything like this. The computer will now be locked down if this kid comes over again, something that at this moment is doubtful.
For now I am able to function and I’m hoping it stays that way. I’m fortunate to have access to people who can rescue me should I have issues. It’s amazing how much this plays a part in our lives and the friends we make all over the world. We take it for granted and when it’s suddenly gone it’s a horrible feeling of being cut off from so much. Perhaps I need to get out more.
Last night was spent thinking, unfortunately for most of the night. I slept off and on and mulled over my life and where it has been and where it might be going. As I thought about the changes that could be coming, my first thought was to panic a bit and think “I’m not ready.” That’s a natural thought for me. I have to think and think before I actually do and then I make the jump suddenly when no one is expecting it. I think that’s kind of how things are unfolding now for me. I have spent the last few years thinking and thinking and now I’m about to jump.
My friend from Canada called me and that helped a bit but I could have used her here last night. My house full of boys settled in at a fairly decent hour I am fortunate for that but I am exhausted and need everyone to be gone so I can just go back to bed and try and sleep. Everything seems ok this morning like it’s falling into place unlike last night when I felt scattered. Still I have that strong need to be wrapped up and taken care of.
It would seem I’ve spent the last 12 months being kick started into action. It’s been a bit of a wild ride filled with ups and downs and some things I can’t explain. I can only wonder where I’ll be in another 12 months.
This is one of those nights where I wish I could just be wrapped up someplace warm and secure. I need to pour my heart out to someone and just get the mind and heart less full. I’m a very private person in many ways and have always had difficulty sharing the very deepest parts of myself with anyone. Those close to me find out little bits and pieces along the way but it takes something really safe for me to dig deeper, to really let go.
Tonight I wish I had a friend over and we could just sit and talk into the night. Actually I know who I’d like to have here, as he makes me feel safe, something no one in my life has ever been able to do. My mind is so full of thoughts that need to be shared.
Today I spoke with my brother. He lives close by and we have always lived in the same city. He was talking about moving to a new place and then it came up. He was thinking about moving to Las Vegas. I almost dropped the phone. So many times I’ve wanted to relocate, but something always held me. First it was a marriage, then parents, who told me it “would kill them” if I moved. I have vowed never to do that to my children. I stayed and raised kids, always wondering about the places I wanted to be, but they had good years with my parents and I don’t regret that at all. After my parents were gone, I thought, “well, we are the only family my brother has, we can’t leave him all alone.” He has no children and has never been married.
So here I am, wondering if my only sibling leaves, what that will be like. My youngest will be a bit crushed as he cares for him a great deal. My brother is older and I wonder, if he moves across the country, how many times I will see him again. I’m struggling with that tonight, feeling a bit teary. Still, on the other hand I’m wondering if this is all part of the plan. Is he supposed to leave, the last thing holding me back.
My spirit and soul have wanted to be elsewhere for a very long time. I don’t know what will become of it, except for a journey that starts in a few short months. Perhaps this is just one of those things and I am just being emotional and very dramatic tonight, but perhaps it is another part of the story, one that is still being written.
Today has been an ongoing struggle with music, trying to upload it from one thing to another. I never realized how fun this could be. “coughs” Still I will persevere in my efforts. I wish I could post some of it here but it seems that is not the case.
There is a correction to my original post Turn Turn Turn I need to make. Pete Seeger wrote the song, The Byrds performed it. I knew it at the time of posting and it was an oversight on my part, one that was pointed out to me earlier. Ah, the hazards of posting when one is tired. Music along with art is always a lovely thing to share and when I am busy it’s easier than coming up with words, except for uploading.
It seems I may be entering the world of blog overload again. I thought I had cleared up this issue but, like anything, it seems it continues to grow. There is this one and my Love Letters blog. There is the travel blog that I plan on dumping for now, as it is too much and I can put all of my thoughts here.
My blogger accounts are closed, I did manage to accomplish that, though I almost winced as I hit the delete button. My Live Journal is also closed. I have another blog site and it is a very social one. It has turned into a bit of a forum like atmosphere in the past couple of days and I’m hoping that it doesn’t stay that way. I have left all forums and groups primarily as it seemed they were nothing more than a venue for those who like display their bad behavior behind the disguise of a call name. No, not all those who go to groups and forums are like this, however, my experiences have not been good. That blog echos this site but in more casual social manner. There are things I don’t post there as it’s more of a day to day “hi how are you” thing.
There was the hope of starting some creative writing. I’ve gotten so far as an introduction, sad isn’t it, and have gone no further. I find creative writing is a terrible commitment. Once started you are planted firmly in a direction. I can’t decide, therefore, which way to take my story, as I know once the first part is written, there is no turning back. I have gotten closer over the past few days and hope to churn something out one of these long quiet nights.
I’m thinking it’s time to thin again, not here mind you. Here is where I put most of the things deep within myself. I’ve duplicated Love Letters on that site, but it doesn’t get the same response and in fact I get the feeling it makes some uncomfortable. It’s funny on the social blog how it turns into small talk but at the same time you are restricted in some funny way and find that you hold back, rather than digging deep. Why is that I wonder?
At any rate, I’m running on about nothing so I’m back to the music, having a bit of a Bryds revival, and delete buttons, here I come.
A couple of days ago, a young girl posted this on her blog. As I was reading it, I thought of many things and it brought back memories of “The Byrds,” who set it to music. These are old words that still speak true today, words for all the things that come and go in our lives. The only video I could find is an old live one. It doesn’t do the song justice. The non live version is very beautiful, as are these words.
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal …
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance …
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
ecclesiastes 3:1-8
One of the most difficult lessons I face, is learning to hear and see the messages that come my way and trusting myself once I do. There was a time when I trusted myself, but that time was long ago and now I’m having to learn it once again. Over the past year many very interesting and perhaps a few unexplainablel things have happened to me, as well as just becoming more aware of the things around me.
Friends will ask me, “what did you hear,” or “was there a message,” and often I find myself unsure. I’m not always good at picking these things up, when in fact they are sitting right in front of me. This is a strong case for the personal journal, the one you fill out, perhaps each day. Looking back, the pieces will often come together and you will see something that you missed. Sometimes there are no messages. Sometimes when I meditate, sit quietly by the water or just sit under the moon and stars, it’s simply a peaceful restful experience, one that helps me get everything lined up and back in good order. Other times, the message are there, perhaps in something as simple as a candle, or a coincidence that seems to happen just when doubt creeps in. They can be so simple and small, or they can be more noticeable. In my case, I think there are times those messages want to reach out and smack me to get my attention. One of those messages came last week, and it took me to the end of a working to realize it was there. Today again, another message came, this time during a meditation. As I settled in I tried desperately to clear my mind, not an easy task for me ever, but was unable to clear the thoughts of one person. At the beginning I was frustrated, as I wanted to let myself go and perhaps see where things would take me. As it progressed, he continued to follow me through the meditation and I felt him with me after it was done. The question I had been asking had been answered, and he took my hand walking with me until I realized the answer had been there all the time.
Still life experiences creep in, and I get these spells when I doubt even the most strong clear messages. I find myself pulling out everything I can think of “to be sure” that I am right. Time, I keep telling myself, will help. My trust in myself will grow as will my confidence. I can only hope those things working to change me and those who walk by my side, have the patience to continue. Life does not come equipped with a crystal ball, but the messages do come once we learn to see, hear and then trust in ourselves.
For all of you who visit this blog and for all of you who leave lovely comments, I wanted to say thank you. I do try to respond to comments but I’m not sure if you ever see them. Also I do try to make it around to see the blogs of those who have visited. I’ve been a bit preoccupied lately and have not kept up the way I should. Too many things on my plate I guess.
At any rate this was long overdue and I thank you all.
The last couple of days have been very reflective for many people. It seems those around me are turning deep inside and taking stock of where they are and where they are going. It made me wonder a bit where the planets might be that this would seem such a strong theme for so many. It also seems to have caused a restlessness for others, a lack of direction. Sometimes that can be the beginning of things that are about to change, at least this is how it seems to affect me.
It’s been almost a year now since the person I was, started changing. and things that I had trouble explaning started happening. Looking back, and I was doing that during the night,it’s all pretty amazing. As I have said in the past, this was not something I was looking for, it was something that found me for whatever reason. One day, out on my trail, something just happened and that was the beginning, almost as if something flipped a switch and said, this is who you are, did you not know? Since that time I have undergone so much change in many ways, but still have much more ahead of me. When I look back at what has happened in the last year, I can only wonder what is coming in the year ahead. There is an urgency in me now, one that is pulling me forward to discover and explore more. My direction is anything but firm and I leave myself open to all things around me. I started out, of course, firm on one path, becoming more and more uncomfortable with it, as I realized it was not a fit. Now I know I need to explore so much more, but then that’s the interesting part. Discovering who you are certainly takes time and certainly it took me long enough to start this process. Still, better late than never.Most of my life I have been fiercely independent, not that I was given much choice. Now that some years have past, I find that though I am still independent, I long for someone to take care of things, perhaps take care of me, if just for a little while. I have not had that longing before and I am surprised by it. Also even though my journey is far from over, suddenly I don’t have the same comfort level to “fly by the seat of my pants” as I was so comfortable doing for so long. Funny how we change over time. Still I look forward to what is to come and wonder why now I am being guided so strongly to take a trip that has seemed out of my reach for so long. It excites me, makes me nervous and almost haunts me with pictures of things I see in my mind.
These are big changes, these ones that are coming, ones that will lead, I think, to greater understanding of the events that have happened this past 12 months and the ones that are yet to come.
This fascinating topic came up this morning, so I thought I would put down some the experiences I have had over the years with homes and haunting. I am very open about it, but I understand those who cannot embrace it. My oldest son, who experienced the presence of things at our first home, cannot deal with it now and prefers to think it isn’t there. It is a most unsettling feeling at times but most often one that is not malevolent in any way. Movies and media have made this a terrifying thing to many and that is unfortunate.
Our first home, the one my two oldest kids grew up in, had someone we chose to call “Harold” in it. It seemed that house was filled with a certain chaos after we moved in and did not bode well for relationships of any kind. The people who lived there split and sold it to us and my ex and I split shortly thereafter. I don’t blame the split on the house, and in fact should probably be happy if it in any way hastened it, but that’s another story for another day. I stayed there for many years as it was a nice area. Harold would take things, knock on doors, turn lights on and off and basically just do silly stuff. My kids were much more aware of the presence, and told me years later that they would run up the basement stairs as they were uneasy and felt something was following them. It just annoyed the heck out of me and I came to demand things back and we reached an understanding I guess. There was occasionally other energy around and at holidays it would peak. My daughter moved her room to the basement when she was older, and experienced trouble with her electronics on a regular basis, something that will be affected by a presence of energy. My fathers home had little of this and I don’t remember much from when I was a child.
When we moved to our home where we currently live, we were not really tuned into anything as we were just so happy to be here. I don’t know when it all began, but it seems to have started around Halloween, a time when the the veil between the worlds is said to be very thin. Since that time I have experienced pranks, child types of behaviors, closeness and malevolence. As another poster put it earlier today, some spirits choose to stay, for whatever reason and removing them, especially malevolent ones, can be a difficult task at best.
Most of my life I have had some sort of awareness of things around me. This has intensified as I have gotten older, something that surprised me. These things come to me in different ways but I rarely see anything. I will however, relate my experience the other day. I had gotten up from a nap and came downstairs to the computer. In front of me and covering the left hand side of the room was a white mist. I looked for a minute wondering if my eyes were still goofy from sleep. I sat down and it continued. I don’t remember feeling anything specific with it just seeing a thick white mist. I called out a name, really silly, as the person I called for wasn’t there, but I felt a bit uneasy. I rarely see anything so to see this in front of me was unsettling. It then started to disappear and as I turned my head I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Then it was gone. I have no idea who was here or why. Apparently it wasn’t expecting anyone to come down to the lower level. Whether my experiences are now changing and I will see more things I don’t know. My way has been to feel things and quite frankly I’ve been more than satisfied with that.
I’m always concerned when I see people go looking for it, those who play with summoning spirits and such. Why anyone would do this is beyond me. I’ve never had the need to do this as they seem to find me. Be careful what you wish for I always say, you might get it. Where one spirit comes so might another. The spirit world is real one that moves around us day by day. Each of us has a different awareness one that can change as we grow. It is a world of connection, of deep feeling and emotions. Let it rest gently undisturbed.
When I started this blog it was a place to put my thoughts and feelings, a place to record a journey, one still rather new to me. I never intended it to be an end all source on all things pagan. Certainly I lack the background to provide this and have no desire to do research reports and post them here. This blog is for my personal journey and my thoughts and feelings experienced along the way.
While I may post things about Goddesses and Pagan holidays, these are linked to their sources. Again, for those who would wish a sound background in all things pagan, there are many books to be had and many sources on the internet. Personally I am learning as I go along and am not sure, as I said in my previous post, where my path is taking me.
There have been many good people that I have found along the way, those who would help me let go and find out where it is I really belong. There are also those who for whatever reason, use their knowledge, or what they perceive as being knowledge, to beat down those who are already stumbling down a new road filled with twists and turns. For this reason I think many, including myself, will end up carving out some sort of unique path of our own.
The moon does not care what path I follow, nor do the stars. Those things within me that fill and move me forward will stay with me no matter which way the road turns.
I’ve been preoccupied with the moon and with travel the past few days and this one just about got by me. I knew in the back of my mind it was coming but perhaps couldn’t deal with the fact that August 1st is already upon us. I have to admit as I’ve been wandering down my pagan path taking the many twists and turns that have come my way, these markings of time on the wheel of the year have not always played a significant role in my growth. Who I am as a pagan is still under construction, and these are only one part of that, a part of a part if you will. There are, as I have said before, many paths within this path and what turn I make next is yet to be determined. Here is some information on today’s stop on the wheel. I have included another reference at the bottom, to a blogger who’s writing I find interesting and informative on this and many other topics. Please note the information on Lughnasadh is not from me but the source is referenced. Ther are more sources out there, no doubt many better ones.
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Lughnasadh was one of the four main festivals of the medieval Irish calendar: Imbolc at the beginning of February, Beltane on the first of May, Lughnasadh in August and Samhain in November. The early Celtic calendar was based on the lunar, solar, and vegetative cycles, so the actual calendar date in ancient times may have varied. Lughnasadh marked the beginning of the harvest season, the ripening of first fruits, and was traditionally a time of community gatherings, market festivals, horse races and reunions with distant family and friends. Among the Irish it was a favored time for handfastings - trial marriages that would generally last a year and a day, with the option of ending the contract before the new year, or later formalizing it as a more permanent marriage.[1][2][3]
In Celtic mythology, the Lughnasadh festival is said to have been begun by the god Lugh, as a funeral feast and games commemorating his foster-mother, Tailtiu, who died of exhaustion after clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture. The first location of the Áenach Tailteann was at the site of modern Teltown, located between Navan and Kells. Historically, the Áenach Tailteann gathering was a time for contests of strength and skill, and a favored time for contracting marriages and winter lodgings. A peace was declared at the festival, and religious celebrations were also held. A similar Lughnasadh festival was held at Carmun (whose exact location is under dispute). Carmun is also believed to have been a goddess of the Celts, perhaps one with a similar story as Tailtiu.[3][4]
A festival corresponding to Lughnasadh may have been observed by the Gauls at least up to the first century; on the Coligny calendar, the eighth day of the first half of the month Edrinios, corresponding to the first of August[citation needed], is marked with the inscription TIOCOBREXTIO that identifies other major feasts. The same date was later adopted for the meeting of all the representatives of Gaul at the Condate Altar in Gallo-Roman times. During the reign of Augustus Caesar the Romans instituted a celebration on August 1 to the genius of the emperor in Lyon, a place believed to have also been named for the Celtic god Lugh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lughnasadh
http://tylluanpenry.blog.co.uk/
