Monthly Archive

It’s a beautiful autumn day today, the trees are finally turning in earnest and leaves are falling for the first time.  The weather is sunny and skies are blue. That’s magical in itself, nothing more needed.

This has been one of those weekends filled with the everyday things of life. It’s been remarkably calm and enjoyable. This morning when I got home I noticed my son had left me a note. His hair finally got to him. I knew it would if I waited out his reluctance to visit the barber. Unfortunately he took matters into his own hands and it looks a bit like he had a visit from a 4 year old playing beauty shop. Now I’m scrambling to find a barber open on Sunday as today is lost.

Yet another mouse made it inside, was captured by my cats, rescued by my son, and re-released to the wild. He had to pry it from the jaws of the cat, a brave feat. We’ve had quite the invasion of mice this year and I’m not sure why.  There was not a one last fall. Thankfully I have three cats more than happy to welcome them in.  Mice are cute but I don’t want them in my home. The cats have  been working on the capture of this one for over  a week, standing vigil by the vents where it must have been traveling.  I’m sure my son is less than popular with them right now, taking their catch.  Not all the mice have been that lucky as we are not always around when they wander in.

Aside from those events, I found my son being wired to the front door by some neighbor boys(all in fun I assure you) and I saw that there was another massive beef recall as I was swallowing the last of my hamburger for breakfast.  

Still even in the midst of real life there are wonderful moments like looking at the moon this morning, wrapped in the mists of the dawn, or watching a fox come to the patio in the dark of night. Sometimes those moments, like today, are just the laughter of day to day life.

Yesterday I launched a private blog, one where I am writing down things from my past and thoughts about it from my present. I decided to do this to help me put things in place to start writing. It’s too personal yet for me to have the bravery to share it other than anonymously but perhaps someday I will link it up.

Last summer, when I found myself going through sudden changes, I wrote these things in a journals for the first time. It was as if I had to lose myself to start discovering who I was. It was not a pleasant journey but one that was necessary after years of burying emotions. As I wrote the first entry on the blog I realized how much has changed since the day I set the pen to that first journal. It’s almost as if I’m on the outside looking in at someone else’s life.It’s amazing to look back at your life and see who you were long ago before the influences around you may have taken the person you were and carved her into someone else. It’s like a rediscovery for me, “oh yes, I remember her.” I’m hoping more of this girl I was once so long ago can start to surface as I write about my life. There are bits of her that rear up from time to time and it always surprises people who see me as I am now.

Perhaps this person  I am now, this woman who moves with the moon, has been inside since the beginning, only to be lost for a time and now starting the process of rebirth.

It’s a beautiful evening. I just returned home from a walk with my son and the dog. The moon is absolutely breathtaking, all white, lighting up the sky with occasional wisps of clouds floating like lace over the surface.

We were actually going to try for the lake as it was so pleasant. The dog, however, had other ideas. She normally loves our late evening walks and almost runs ahead of us to get down the road. Tonight however, she was slow, stopping and sniffing almost everything. She seemed reluctant to go further toward the meadow and simply sat down in the road dead weight. She is a basset hound so dead weight with her means you go nowhere. We finally threw up our hands and turned around, heading for home. She was still edgy and wanted to go up the hill that shortcuts through our little “woods.” The rain that came earlier had turned that trail into mud so that was out of the question. We finally coaxed her home with the offer of toasted marshmallows, her favorite. I don’t know what she picked up on tonight, as it seemed a lovely evening to be enjoyed. Whatever the case, there is no arguing with a hound that large.

The walks with my son are always good, as we talk and talk. It’s amazing how much you learn when find moments of quiet with your kids. I know now I need to buy some kind of cabinet for my candles and such. I do stack them in a corner when I’m not using them and I have an old piano bench, that opens for storage. Still his one friend has very very wrong ideas about what it is I do, fueled no doubt by the movie industry and junior high school “urban legends.” He is given to a bit of exaggeration as it is and tells tales that are one day going to land him in hot water and possibly a visit from social services to his door. Now he voiced concern, after seeing my ceremonial knives, yes they should have been put away, that I might be doing sacrifices. Trust me, you couldn’t sacrifice a stick of butter with those knives, they are purely for show. I don’t own any weapons, not one.

It was nice to think I had my own little place where I could do my thing, but I see now that I don’t. A locked cabinet will be my next purchase, something that I need for storage regardless. As far as what people think about me, well, all I can do is watch as Halloween approaches and the TV movie industry takes another stab at defining who I am to the world.

I nicked this off of a friends blog this afternoon as I felt it was worth sharing. She is also now on my blogroll.

No more brooding,

No more despondency.

Your life shall become

The beauty of a rose,

The song of the dawn,

The dance of twilight.
______________________________________

If I can always have

A childlike confidence,

Then my Lord Supreme

Will without fail, become

My sleeplessly self - sacrificing Friend.

_______________________________________

You have given freedom to your mind.

Therefore, your mind causes worries for you

About the future.

Why do you not give freedom to your heart?

Your heart will definitely prepare you

For the future.

________________________________________

If we feel secure

In the depths of our heart,

We shall not challenge anybody,

For inner confidence

Is nothing short of

Complete satisfaction.

– Sri Chinmoy

 

Once again the full moon is approaching, tomorrow to be exact.  It almost got past me but the energy I feel is unmistakable.  I am truly a child of the moon, enchanted by an  energy that sways me like to the rhythm of it’s quiet music.

There is something so beautiful about the night sky with the light of the full moon shining down.  This time, for the Harvest Moon, I would really like to embrace that beauty by the water, sitting on the dock. The light of the moon, reflected on the water, surrounded by the quiet sounds of the night, what could be better?  Still I am enough of a realist to know sitting alone out by a lake in the dark might not be the wisest of choices.  Sometimes I long for a simpler time when a person could do this without worry of those who might not honor the reasons that would guide me to the waters edge.

Perhaps those things that come from within will still guide me there and I can sit under the moon with the spirits of the earth by my side. If not, I know they are not far and if I call them to me, they will answer.

Historically, I’ve never been much of a letter writer. When I was a girl I suppose I wrote a few as it was the main way to communicate with anyone not local. My mother, of course, wrote letters all the time. Being from a large family scattered all over the states, it was her way of keeping in touch. Over the past couple of years I’ve been terrible, not even getting cards out for the holidays. I feel badly as there are relatives out there that are not getting any younger, and I have not kept in touch. I’m hoping to change that this year. There are too many to write individual notes, so I’m faced with composing the dreaded “form letter.” Still I need to make the effort and they will appreciate the update I’m sure.

The last letters I wrote were put away for later. I had an episode in June, still unexplained, where I truly thought I wasn’t going to live to see another day. It came one evening before I was to leave for work and before it was over I found myself on the living room floor sweating, lightheaded and filled that sense of “impending doom” they always talk about. As I lay there I thought of things, pulling deep within, away from the room and people around me. It’s amazing what you think about at a time like that. I didn’t find myself calling everyone close around me and whispering one last loving thing. No, I found myself moving into my own space, much like when I was in labor.  It became totally about me and what I needed at that moment.

After I was feeling better I thought about what had gone through my mind during those minutes. There were those things I needed to say, not only to my immediate family, but to someone who might not understand. So I proceeded to carefully craft a letter, one that sits safely hidden away, trying to explain something that is almost unexplainable. I wanted him to know what it is I know, what it is I’ve found. This person, unknowing I suspect, has become a part of me in a way I still don’t understand. I have a bond with him that defies explanation. I wanted him to know this, but then I thought, perhaps it’s not his time to know. Perhaps it’s just one of those things, where I found someone that has been there before, but he has not seen it. It happens sometimes when time does not line things up the way we would have it. This all sounds a bit crazy I’m sure. Had I not experienced these things it would have sound crazy to me.

So now I sit, trying to compose a letter, a bit more generic in nature. It’s an effort, trying to get the words right, words that will speak quietly but echo the unspoken things that lie deep within my heart and soul.  I struggle with those words along with the voice in my head that tries to decide whether to write it at all. It’s been months since I’ve sent a letter. Perhaps today I’ll work on breaking the silence.

Once again I find myself in a quiet phase, unable to write the words that are spinning inside of me. I’ve been thinking about many things all night, the central topic being “who am I?” It’s not quite as global as the question sounds. Who am I is centered more around my beliefs when it comes my pagan self.

I’m not sure what triggered these thoughts. Perhaps it was the debate that got started elsewhere, again, over pagan history, specifically pagan celebrations, and whether they were tied to old practices or the neo pagans of recent years. This is a no win debate, one that seems to be growing in intensity.  Some will choose to continue the debate and this is good. We always need those who pursue history in search of truth. Myself, I love history but my energy is not for debates.  At this time I just choose to be.

After some thought, it seems for me the divine comes from within, it is part of us, something we find for whatever reason. Perhaps we choose to look deep within ourselves, or that which is hidden deep within, chooses to find us. We can embrace whatever external things we might find along the way, whatever speaks to us, but without the force from within, it will ring hollow.  It is not religion that I embrace, for I have never claimed to be a religious person. That’s another debate for yet another day. What I have is a spiritual connection, one that feels the earth around me and the elements that are a part of it.  There is also a strong tie to the moon within me and here I walk with the Goddess, “The Queen of the Night.”

Today is the Autumn Equinox, and so I acknowledge this day, because it is part of the earth, the changing tide of the seasons. The energy inside us shifts and we move with those changing tides though we might not see it.

All of us on this earth, no matter what path we choose to follow, are tied to the earth’s energies. They walk with us whether we have an awareness of them or not.   If we open ourselves and feel the divine that waits within, we can embrace this earth, and realize that we are not so different, not really, from those who walk here with us.

Queen of the Night: Rediscovering the Celtic Moon Goddess (Paperback)
by Sharynne MacLeod NicMhacha

Today I went to the lake with my son and the dog. It was a perfect day the water clear and still. The trees were just starting to turn and yet there were still purple and white wild flowers abounding, covered with bumblebees.

We could have stayed half the day there but time did now allow, as I had dinner on the stove and work tonight. On the way back we saw the most amazing thing. My son pointed to a tree in front of us certain he had seen a bluebird. I scoffed as I have seen one, yes that’s right, one, in my entire life, a mountain bluebird out in Colorado. After I finally located it, there it was, plumper than normal, nothing unusual for our birds, but a bluebird I’m certain. There was not only one, but several in that tree. I have never seen anything like it in my life. There was also another tiny bird I had never seen as well. My parents were very much into bird watching so I’m familiar with many birds.

After we got back home, I went to the Audubon site, still not trusting what I had seen. It was indeed the eastern bluebird. It just shows how such a small part of  nature can be so wonderful.

Today is glorious following a day of rain. The sun is shining and it is gentle warmth not too warm not too cold. Last night was one of intense emotion and energy and I’m recouping a bit as I always do when there is high energy involved. Sometimes I feel all alone with the things I experience, and I’m thankful I can at least put those things here. These are not ordinary things that you can talk to just anyone about and you risk losing those around you who would not understand.

Sometimes you lose those who do understand but whose own lives are filled with things that make it difficult for them to hear you. So it was last night as I sat alone with my emotions pouring out of me. I needed to sit with a friend but who would I choose that could understand what I would tell them. I quieted those emotions after some time and was filled with a sudden peace. The urge to write came over me and write I did, starting with an outline on paper, one I hope to start filling in with the words.

Some days I get tired of feeling, as the emotions with it can be so exhausting. As I sat last night, shouting to the quiet of the night, I wondered why, why so many things had come alive it me after all this time. Why did I have to feel, it was so much easier to move through the days without it. But deep down I knew it was not easier, as those days went by all gray and lifeless. Now I see the colors of the leaves and the blue of the sky. I hear the wind as it blows through the trees and the rain as it falls quietly in the night. With that comes a path that has been chosen for me, I know that now. This path is still unclear but  I know it will continue to show me the way.

This path may not include all those things I want though a love walks by my side every day, one that is great and strong. It is a love from the shadows and it is one that may give me no more in this life. Still there are days I would give up everything for just a moment where that love could drift from the shadows and come to me. But now I’m talking nonsense to many so I will stop.

Back to the day and out into the light I go. Perhaps tonight I will write under the night sky, savoring the beauty of the moon and stars. It’s been a while.

My time off has gone so fast, I wish I had another month to just rest, think and write. There has been a freedom with this time, something that has allowed me to get back in touch with many things. This reconnection has helped me view the path I have been on and see what might be ahead. There is a much stronger sense of something out there now, something calling me.

I’ve made some new friends and had some new inspirations, inspirations that let me know I am on the right path with at least some things, and to keep pursuing this writing thing. I was perusing Myspace, and found my writing posted, this time referenced. It’s quite a feeling, when you find your words posted and you realize the name underneath those words is yours. Yesterday I was asked to review a piece of work that had been written by a new friend,  some time past. It had been published in a magazine at that time and he wanted to post it as “a soul cleansing exercise.” When he posted it he said he had closed it to all but the six people he valued most. I sat there stunned, wondering what I had done to earn such a place. It was an emotional piece, moving and well written to be sure, about the loss of a child and what his family experienced after this loss. I was honored that he would share something so precious and personal with me.

There are things pulling at me to go, and a tranquility that lets me stay. There are creative things opening in me that I never knew were there. With that has come a willingness to open myself to be able to use them. There have been affirmations of the heart, things I can’t describe here and have them make any sense, but something that fills me with a love so strong there can be no question of it.

Where life will continue to lead me I don’t know. I have to think there is more waiting and I am just at the beginnings of my path. There will be bad days and good, as it is with life, but I know now that those things that walk with me will be there pushing me forward, while keeping me in their embrace.

Last night I had a strong presence about me. It came not unwelcome but much needed. I knew at once that it was the person I had been thinking of as I have always known since the first time his energy came to me. It was powerful and filled me with love and tenderness. It seems the last few days I am opening myself more to the things that are trying to reach me. Perhaps it is that freedom of self that has come from being absent from the workplace and the stress that has come with it, I don’t know. It was the most vivid and strong visit I have had from this person in quite some time, and I could talk to him as if he were sitting next to me. I guess he was in a sort of way.

Soon I hope I will journey to other places, those that I had hoped to find this fall. Those places call to me, as they have since I was a young girl. They hold the key, I think, to a part of me I wait to find.

I’ve spent the last week off work, the first time I’ve taken an actual vacation in a very long time.  I wish it could have been a vacation away just myself but it is not in the cards at this moment.  The week has rushed by though I still have more days coming.  

After this week I am more determined to get away and travel. I know it will be a bit before this can happen,  but I also have felt the effect freedom has had on my writing. As the week progressed I began to unfold, and I started writing, really writing for the first time. It was not fiction as I thought would be my direction, but more  a story about me if you will.  I’ve only just begun, the most recent part making it’s way out first, but I have the foundation now in my mind and I hope to start working away at more of it. Perhaps as it develops I will spin it into some sort of fiction but for now I’m not sure. 

Another thing I noticed was how very tired I was. The negative energy that was filling my world away from home has apparently been taking it’s toll. Along with that has been the start of school, a schedule that screws up my sleep patterns beyond recognition. My body is up late and up early and really isn’t quite sure what it’s doing.

The new moon has been filled with emotion as yesterday it moved into Scorpio. I’ve felt those emotions in others, lots of anger and turmoil. Myself I’ve been filled more with love and tenderness, powerful positive emotions. Last night I put those emotions to play and used the power of the day to send those emotions out into the quiet of the night. They must have been much more powerful than I realized as today I feel the effects of my efforts.  

The day calls me with the sun and crisp feel of autumn. I hope to walk the trail where I can always find those who walk with me in spirit. Perhaps a few wildflowers will still be there after the frost, a last trace of summer.  

Today is another fine day, crisp and cool, with blue skies. It seems I never made it to my lake yesterday but my heart spoke without it.  As I sit and listen to a song called The Enchantment, I feel as if I have been enchanted and have drifted away into some place that has been waiting for me.  It is a place of great peace and tranquility, one filled with a great love as well.

Perhaps it is that I am returning to things that have been forgotten,  and with that, I am finally hearing the things that may have been with me all along.  Whatever the reason, I am content to drift in this beautiful place, a place almost between the worlds.  I am listening, I am hearing, I am feeling. It is all here. 

This morning is cool and breezy. It’s much more like early October than early September. I know there will be more warm days ahead as this is how fall goes. September has been unusually chilly but the cool air felt good at bedtime.  For the first time, however, it feels like summer has passed me by too quickly. Perhaps it is the unsettled feeling that seems to come with the fall equinox. 

Still the days are mine again, at least for the moment, and I hope to get back to working on things that have fallen by the wayside. One of those things is meditation. I plan to start this today. It is a skill that allows you to listen and hear things you might otherwise miss. I’ve been away from it for far too long.

My lake calls today as well, the place where I can go and speak the words deep in my heart, and my heart is full of words that need be spoken. It is my own quiet place, one that seems to hear the words as they pour from me.  It is a place of peace for me, and one where I feel those who guide me walking by my side.  As I sit today, speaking my heart to the wind and the water,  perhaps that voice from my heart will speak to me as well.

Morning, before I sleep is the time of day when I often find myself filled with thoughts that fall easily onto the page. Perhaps it is the fatigue, setting a part of me free without care and I can just drift into the places that would otherwise escape me.

This morning was one of those times when the emotions and thoughts came together in words that poured from me onto the page. Often I look back and wonder where those words come from. It’s as if a stranger writes through me and I wake from sleep to find something they have left behind.

Sleep calls at those times but the words will not wait, for once they escape me they travel to a place never to be retrieved again. So there I sat this morning, eyes closing, writing the words as best I could, knowing I could shape them once awake. I wish I could learn to free myself and let myself fall away from the things around me more easily. It’s amazing what you can discover.

Today I made it out in the sunshine for a walk. I had forgotten how much it fills me to be with nature, walking with the trees by my side, and looking at all the flowers that have not yet been visited by the first frost. As the sun beat down on me I felt a renewed peace, something that has been absent for many days. The doubts that have churned inside me melted away and things felt like maybe, at least for a moment, they made sense.

This is my favorite time of the year, warm days and cool nights, the landscape painted with the first colors of fall. Yes it heralds the passing of time, time that goes too quickly for me these days, but the beauty of the day is a gift.

My travels have been delayed and its been a knife to my heart that has been walking with me for days. It seems simple, yes I will go later, but there was a journey waiting, one that I needed to make so badly. Something told me this was the time, but perhaps there is a reason it needs to wait. I want to think there is a reason life threw another obstacle in my path. So now there will be many more walks, listening for those words whispered through the trees and on the water. I know they will come, I have to believe they will come. All things come in their time, these were my own words, and I must abide them, at least for now.

This morning, once again, I had the opportunity to prove the power of ugly pajamas. My son, 3rd day in school, decided that today would be a good one to stay home. He is exhausted, of his own doing, and he tried desperately to reason and then argue with me in the doorway.

As we were running short of time before the bus arrived, I was pushed to desperate measures. I walked to the end of the driveway, in my sleepwear, and made my case loud enough that the entire neighborhood might join in our discussion.

How fast can a kid move? It was something like the speed of light. These were not the most hideous pajamas  I own, but I’m saving those for next time.

Tonight someone sent me this card. It made me cry, in a good way and I wanted to share it here.  Thank you friend for thinking of me.

It’s been a full year since I started this journey down an unknown path. It’s hard to believe when I look back at where I’ve been. My path is strewn with certainties and doubt as I have stumbled along trying to discover who I am and where it is I am headed.

Last night I was up late sitting in the quiet, wondering why I was so riddled with doubt again about everything. It made me feel almost undeserving of the things that have come my way. Then this morning as I was reading on anothers blog, I realized what she said was true. “Doubt should come with any religious territory. It’s part of spiritual growth.” Doubt actually should come with all things we learn and with all growing. How else can we question and find out more, if we never doubt ourselves.

We must learn to trust while others doubt us, more good words I found today. There are always those who are ready to feed our doubts and play on our insecurities. Those things we see and experience are often difficult to share and there are those who would make us take the words and push them back inside. I’ve had difficulty with this, opening doors, and difficulty with those around me who would make me doubt myself even more.

It’s been a struggle for me to open up and let the words and emotions come alive and fall from me again. Day by day it’s an ongoing struggle as I wrestle with doubts and wonder if I should just stop talking again. At the same time there are so many words and emotions pushing to get out. The other day I shared a part of myself with a friend. It was part of my experiences that were a bit out of the ordinary. I struggled with sharing them but felt a trust with her. Afterwards, I didn’t hear from her for a few days and I panicked wondering if I had opened a side of myself to her only to push her away. She came back of course and I was relieved, but at the same time I felt a caution grow in me and I know it will be some time, if ever, before I share anything like this with her again. She has always listened to me, no matter what but I will tighten that circle of sharing for certain things.

Today I’m going to write and wrestle with this doubt thing. We all do it, so I know I’m not alone. The sureness and strength that wandered away will return to me as sure as the sun rises and sets.

Isn’t it funny when you are filled with thoughts and yet nothing seems to make it’s way to the page. It’s been like that for me for a bit. Perhaps it’s because the same thoughts keep surrounding me and I feel I can only write so much about them. 

One thing that I do have up on my blog right now is the Blog Action Day widget. If you want to learn about it you can click on the widget.  My activist days are somewhat over though I do have things that hit very deeply with me.  The environment is certainly very important and I will be writing a piece on October 15th, to particpate in this action.

My focus is, however, more with people, as the injustices done to people in this world cut me deeply. For me the older I get, the more human suffering becomes painfully intolerable.  This is why, if I was alone, I would be wandering the world putting whatever skills I could offer out there. It sounds naive and noble I realize that, but there has come this time in my life where I am no longer fearful of what will happen to me.  Perhaps it has something to do with this path I currently stumble down, I don’t know. Certainly I want some things for myself there is no  doubt about it.  I’m not that noble. I want to travel,  I want to find my way to the person who walks in my heart.  I want many things. 

 I’m rambling again, making little sense I’m sure. One of the things I want to say is, we need to start working together in this world, not against each other. If we don’t learn to do this, it wont matter what happens to the environment.  We are all the same but we are all different.  We are all people with hopes, dreams and hearts. When the sun goes down at the end of the day, deep down I think most of us want the same things.