Reflections on Halloween Night October 31, 2007

Halloween is well underway, the doorbell ringing at a record pace. My dog should be exhausted by the end of the evening, her sleep affording me more quiet for the time I wait to spend on this day.

Halloween has always been a big deal in my house, but my youngest son is the king of this day.  It’s difficult now that traditions are mixing, as I am trying to find a way to weave those things that are  important to me, into the fun that has always been a part of our family. My little brooms are up with the pumpkins, all mixed with the scary display my son has set out.  I have just viewed a picture of a carved turnip, traditional to friends who live in the UK.  I cannot imagine the work that must go into carving these and I was amazed at how nice it looked.

The most difficult thing is finding the time and energy for those things I find important.  Still, if it’s anything like last year, energy or not, those who wish to speak with me will certainly find me.

As the evening settles and the light of the moon and stars is all the lights up the night, I will hopefully find that quiet time to reflect and listen for the messages that might wait for me. For now the voice of this night is a room filled with boys and a dog, happily counting candy and admiring the decorations of the night.

 

 

The Ghost of A Flower October 30, 2007

I found this today and for some reason it spoke to me.

The Ghost of A Flower

You’re what?” asked the common or garden spook
Of a stranger at midnight’s hour.
And the shade replied with a graceful glide,
“Why, I’m the ghost of a flower.”

“The ghost of a flower?” said the old-time spook;
“That’s a brand-new one on me;
I never supposed a flower had a ghost,
Though I’ve seen the shade of a tree.”

Anonymous

 

Moving Inward October 30, 2007

Today I find myself turning inward.  It is a place of longing, a place I only want to share with one person. The need for closeness is strong, the need for intimacy, a place in me that has gone untended for so long. 

It’s a place I can’t wrap the words around and so I wont try. Perhaps another day I will tackle the topic of intimacy, a much misunderstood word. I’m lost in my thoughts of another today and wish I could open the door and find him waiting. 

 

Honoring Those Most Worthy October 29, 2007

During the night I opened my blog and found myself the recipient of  this honor.

As I read the words on Sorrow’s page it was  as if I was looking behind me wondering “who is she talking about?” I am always surprised when I find out my blogging has had an impact on someone.   Her words were  beautiful and I found myself in tears as I read them.  Now I’m on my first cuppa for the day and trying to wake from more strange dreams so I can adequately thank her.  Also, I’ve been remiss in passing forward these wonderful awards  and I’m thinking of all the wonderful blogs I’ve discovered out there.

One of the things I do periodically is browse blogrolls of those on my blogroll, and so on. You can find some real treasures this way and so I have. There are blogs that are home to incredible writers,  and some that are home to those who can lead you on a visual journey of art and beauty. There are those who are courageous, speaking out against the injustices of the world or perhaps writing of their past and how they have moved beyond.  There are those who inspire me and those whose talent make me wrestle with my own doubts.   Then there are those blogs that make you laugh out loud, a breath of air needed in this serious life. 

I’ve pondered my blog these past few days, knowing I need to expand my writing into something, but what I’m not sure.  One can only write about the moon in so many ways. I’m on my second cuppa now and when I join the conscious world I will pick some blogs for this honor.  Until then, thank you so much.

Winged Guardians October 28, 2007

 

The coming of Halloween on Wednesday is already at work. This morning as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt myself move into a different space,  one those of you who meditate are probably familiar with. I had vivid impressions of my mother and I am certain she was here. I talked to her for a short time, though I was very tired and then things faded away and I was back in my usual time to sleep state. I had turbulent dreams all day and I’m still tired even though I slept until mid afternoon. It’s my last night of work for the week, and I’m looking forward to my days off.

We have another beautiful day here with blue skies and its sweater weather at worst. The crows have been calling again from the trees by the house. They seem to gather here when the energy around me is high or when I am in need. It was something I first noticed last year when they followed me as I walked the trail to the lake. I know how “Hitchcock” that must sound but it wasn’t. They sat in the trees above me as I sat by my lake struggling with doubts that day. They don’t always come around but when they do they are a noisy bunch. Right now it’s as if they sense the energy that is in the air.

My energy has not been so high and I’ve had a terrible time getting back to my walks and workouts. I don’t know why this has become such a task and it frustrates me. I know I’ve been too long away from nature and I need to find a way to get back to it for the sake of both my body and soul. I’ve been blessed with beautiful days to start these efforts. Perhaps the crows are calling me like winged guardians, telling me to come out and play once again. Now I just need to answer.

Uncovering October 27, 2007

Yesterday I removed my pretty deep blue design. As I sat here talking to my friend I realized my real name was sitting there big as you please on all my posts. I went into my profile to see if I had changed anything, but no, I was still listed as Goldenferi, a handle I created when I first opened this blog. At the time I was just looking for a different name, as I was escaping the clutches of those I had first found in the on-line pagan world. As a newbie I was struggling with feelings and experiences that were all new to me. During that time of tender transformation, I found myself smack in the middle of what is known as “witch wars.” This was not a good place to be and I needed to strike off on my own in an effort to find out what I believed.

Now as I sit and think on it, perhaps the time is coming where I no longer wish to write behind a created identity. There are those who have come here enough who know my real name anyway. I’m going to sit and think for a little while longer about that pretty blue template and about who I am. Perhaps it’s time for a change, to uncover the woman who has been quiet for so long.

Autumn October 27, 2007

 Besides the autumn poets sing,
A few prosaic days
A little this side of the snow
And that side of the haze.
Emily Dickinson

It is almost gone the autumn of this year, winter walking close behind. It’s my favorite season and when I look at this it draws me into the beauty, reminding me to just stop and look once more.

Many Journeys October 26, 2007

It’s been a chaotic non productive day, one of those days that makes going to work almost pleasurable just to escape the conflict going back and forth in the house.  This time of year coupled with the moon has thrown everyone here into a state. We are not alone in this. As I talk to friends they find themselves swimming in a place where they are transforming and where things are being thrust in the the strong illumination of this moon.

The poetic tones of my writing are lost on a day such as today.  I’ve just sent my son out the door to a Halloween dance at school.  From his arrival home from school to his departure just minutes ago, he’s worked at antagonizing me, a behavior he cultivated as a small child but one that is rarely seen now.  This week has not been a good one between us. The chaos in the air has put us at each others throats. Each peaceful moment we have found has been followed by many more that are not peaceful.  My daughter and I have also been at odds, a storm that has been brewing,  fueled by my needing her to take charge of her life, and a need to move on with mine.  

These are the days that make me want to run as fast as I can, leaving everything that surrounds me behind. I’m sure this is not something unique to me and I know in some ways it will settle by morning.  Still, the woman who once walked inside me is gone, her needs and wants no longer a part of me.  It is almost as if I woke one day to find myself in a strangers life one that I no longer remember.  It’s not quite that dramatic and I will stay to nurture those who need me, at least for a while longer. One day however, I know I will leave on a journey, not just one of the soul, but one that will lead me to all the things that call the woman I am becoming.

Wherever I May Be October 26, 2007

Last night I sat up with the moon. It’s brilliance in the night sky was dazzling and, in fact, it still shines in the early morning sky as my son leaves for school. It is almost white like a luminous orb.  Last night it was a light on the path as I went for a late walk with the dog. As I walked along enjoying the October evening, I almost ventured on to the secret path through the meadow, wondering what I might find there dancing under the moonbeams. There is a certain mystery to that place at night, one that often calls to me as if I might be a part of what waits there.

After the house was quiet, I sat with the energy of the moon, talking from my heart about this and about that, thanking those forces that walk with me for all the things I have found this year. I sent blessings by the light of the moon to those that walk in spirit by my side. As I sat within my space, I wondered at all the moons that have passed by me in my life unnoticed. I wondered about the seasons and why since I was a young girl they have filled me with such wonder. That wonder was lost for a while, as was I, and only now have I come to notice each season again, and the beauty that it brings. With this has come a new awareness of the changes in myself that come with each of those seasons. As the wheel turns with the earth, so it turns within me as well.

There is a part of me that waits to be found in a place across the ocean, a place where I hope to travel soon. It would have been over the full moon had I gone this time and I wonder what illuminations that moon would have brought my way. Still as I sat here last night I remembered, we all sit under the same moon and stars and perhaps those things I seek will find me wherever I may be.

The Unsettled Moon October 24, 2007

Today is a beautiful fall day, slightly cool with a few trees of golden and red still remaining, set against the backdrop of the blue sky. Still there is a sense of unrest that hangs in the air, one that has walked by my side for several days now. Perhaps it is the energy of the full moon coupled with the arrival of Samhain. Perhaps it is the departure of my good neighbor, watching the van load up the last of their possessions. It seems as if this is a time of separation, one of moving things out of our lives. That is appropriate I suppose with the arrival of the full moon. The new moon moves with me, we are in sync and I feel a mystical energy during that time. The full moon illuminates all that is around me, bringing its energy to me in an almost jolting force at times.

This is a time of separation it seems.  Things around me are leaving and departure from the familiar always rocks my world at least for a while. My friend who has been blogging with me since May is closing her blogs to pursue her writing. She is a good writer and I support her in all her efforts. I’m just hoping I don’t lose touch with her as she has become part of that familiar landscape for me.

Today I have spent some time catching up with blogs here.  There are great blogs out there many I’m sure that I have yet to find. My focus here is to write and I am guilty of not always visiting others as often as I should. Once there I find treasures that amaze me. As I move forward and embrace new ideas, I may not meet the needs of some who have been readers in the past.  When you take chances you risk losing some along the way. It appears I have done this already, again more separation. Still life is about risk and chance. Without it we never move forward and we may miss some of life’s most glorious experiences. 

 Even with the unrest and slight sadness that fills me this day, you will find me out under the moon. She calls to me and I am drawn to her beauty and light.  As I sit under the moon and stars on this quiet October night, I will wonder how something so strong can be so beautiful.