Monthly Archive

Halloween is well underway, the doorbell ringing at a record pace. My dog should be exhausted by the end of the evening, her sleep affording me more quiet for the time I wait to spend on this day.

Halloween has always been a big deal in my house, but my youngest son is the king of this day.  It’s difficult now that traditions are mixing, as I am trying to find a way to weave those things that are  important to me, into the fun that has always been a part of our family. My little brooms are up with the pumpkins, all mixed with the scary display my son has set out.  I have just viewed a picture of a carved turnip, traditional to friends who live in the UK.  I cannot imagine the work that must go into carving these and I was amazed at how nice it looked.

The most difficult thing is finding the time and energy for those things I find important.  Still, if it’s anything like last year, energy or not, those who wish to speak with me will certainly find me.

As the evening settles and the light of the moon and stars is all the lights up the night, I will hopefully find that quiet time to reflect and listen for the messages that might wait for me. For now the voice of this night is a room filled with boys and a dog, happily counting candy and admiring the decorations of the night.

I found this today and for some reason it spoke to me.

The Ghost of A Flower

You’re what?” asked the common or garden spook
Of a stranger at midnight’s hour.
And the shade replied with a graceful glide,
“Why, I’m the ghost of a flower.”

“The ghost of a flower?” said the old-time spook;
“That’s a brand-new one on me;
I never supposed a flower had a ghost,
Though I’ve seen the shade of a tree.”

Anonymous

Today I find myself turning inward.  It is a place of longing, a place I only want to share with one person. The need for closeness is strong, the need for intimacy, a place in me that has gone untended for so long. 

It’s a place I can’t wrap the words around and so I wont try. Perhaps another day I will tackle the topic of intimacy, a much misunderstood word. I’m lost in my thoughts of another today and wish I could open the door and find him waiting. 

During the night I opened my blog and found myself the recipient of  this honor.

As I read the words on Sorrow’s page it was  as if I was looking behind me wondering “who is she talking about?” I am always surprised when I find out my blogging has had an impact on someone.   Her words were  beautiful and I found myself in tears as I read them.  Now I’m on my first cuppa for the day and trying to wake from more strange dreams so I can adequately thank her.  Also, I’ve been remiss in passing forward these wonderful awards  and I’m thinking of all the wonderful blogs I’ve discovered out there.

One of the things I do periodically is browse blogrolls of those on my blogroll, and so on. You can find some real treasures this way and so I have. There are blogs that are home to incredible writers,  and some that are home to those who can lead you on a visual journey of art and beauty. There are those who are courageous, speaking out against the injustices of the world or perhaps writing of their past and how they have moved beyond.  There are those who inspire me and those whose talent make me wrestle with my own doubts.   Then there are those blogs that make you laugh out loud, a breath of air needed in this serious life. 

I’ve pondered my blog these past few days, knowing I need to expand my writing into something, but what I’m not sure.  One can only write about the moon in so many ways. I’m on my second cuppa now and when I join the conscious world I will pick some blogs for this honor.  Until then, thank you so much.

The coming of Halloween on Wednesday is already at work. This morning as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt myself move into a different space,  one those of you who meditate are probably familiar with. I had vivid impressions of my mother and I am certain she was here. I talked to her for a short time, though I was very tired and then things faded away and I was back in my usual time to sleep state. I had turbulent dreams all day and I’m still tired even though I slept until mid afternoon. It’s my last night of work for the week, and I’m looking forward to my days off.

We have another beautiful day here with blue skies and its sweater weather at worst. The crows have been calling again from the trees by the house. They seem to gather here when the energy around me is high or when I am in need. It was something I first noticed last year when they followed me as I walked the trail to the lake. I know how “Hitchcock” that must sound but it wasn’t. They sat in the trees above me as I sat by my lake struggling with doubts that day. They don’t always come around but when they do they are a noisy bunch. Right now it’s as if they sense the energy that is in the air.

My energy has not been so high and I’ve had a terrible time getting back to my walks and workouts. I don’t know why this has become such a task and it frustrates me. I know I’ve been too long away from nature and I need to find a way to get back to it for the sake of both my body and soul. I’ve been blessed with beautiful days to start these efforts. Perhaps the crows are calling me like winged guardians, telling me to come out and play once again. Now I just need to answer.

Yesterday I removed my pretty deep blue design. As I sat here talking to my friend I realized my real name was sitting there big as you please on all my posts. I went into my profile to see if I had changed anything, but no, I was still listed as Goldenferi, a handle I created when I first opened this blog. At the time I was just looking for a different name, as I was escaping the clutches of those I had first found in the on-line pagan world. As a newbie I was struggling with feelings and experiences that were all new to me. During that time of tender transformation, I found myself smack in the middle of what is known as “witch wars.” This was not a good place to be and I needed to strike off on my own in an effort to find out what I believed.

Now as I sit and think on it, perhaps the time is coming where I no longer wish to write behind a created identity. There are those who have come here enough who know my real name anyway. I’m going to sit and think for a little while longer about that pretty blue template and about who I am. Perhaps it’s time for a change, to uncover the woman who has been quiet for so long.

 Besides the autumn poets sing,
A few prosaic days
A little this side of the snow
And that side of the haze.
Emily Dickinson

It is almost gone the autumn of this year, winter walking close behind. It’s my favorite season and when I look at this it draws me into the beauty, reminding me to just stop and look once more.

It’s been a chaotic non productive day, one of those days that makes going to work almost pleasurable just to escape the conflict going back and forth in the house.  This time of year coupled with the moon has thrown everyone here into a state. We are not alone in this. As I talk to friends they find themselves swimming in a place where they are transforming and where things are being thrust in the the strong illumination of this moon.

The poetic tones of my writing are lost on a day such as today.  I’ve just sent my son out the door to a Halloween dance at school.  From his arrival home from school to his departure just minutes ago, he’s worked at antagonizing me, a behavior he cultivated as a small child but one that is rarely seen now.  This week has not been a good one between us. The chaos in the air has put us at each others throats. Each peaceful moment we have found has been followed by many more that are not peaceful.  My daughter and I have also been at odds, a storm that has been brewing,  fueled by my needing her to take charge of her life, and a need to move on with mine.  

These are the days that make me want to run as fast as I can, leaving everything that surrounds me behind. I’m sure this is not something unique to me and I know in some ways it will settle by morning.  Still, the woman who once walked inside me is gone, her needs and wants no longer a part of me.  It is almost as if I woke one day to find myself in a strangers life one that I no longer remember.  It’s not quite that dramatic and I will stay to nurture those who need me, at least for a while longer. One day however, I know I will leave on a journey, not just one of the soul, but one that will lead me to all the things that call the woman I am becoming.

Last night I sat up with the moon. It’s brilliance in the night sky was dazzling and, in fact, it still shines in the early morning sky as my son leaves for school. It is almost white like a luminous orb.  Last night it was a light on the path as I went for a late walk with the dog. As I walked along enjoying the October evening, I almost ventured on to the secret path through the meadow, wondering what I might find there dancing under the moonbeams. There is a certain mystery to that place at night, one that often calls to me as if I might be a part of what waits there.

After the house was quiet, I sat with the energy of the moon, talking from my heart about this and about that, thanking those forces that walk with me for all the things I have found this year. I sent blessings by the light of the moon to those that walk in spirit by my side. As I sat within my space, I wondered at all the moons that have passed by me in my life unnoticed. I wondered about the seasons and why since I was a young girl they have filled me with such wonder. That wonder was lost for a while, as was I, and only now have I come to notice each season again, and the beauty that it brings. With this has come a new awareness of the changes in myself that come with each of those seasons. As the wheel turns with the earth, so it turns within me as well.

There is a part of me that waits to be found in a place across the ocean, a place where I hope to travel soon. It would have been over the full moon had I gone this time and I wonder what illuminations that moon would have brought my way. Still as I sat here last night I remembered, we all sit under the same moon and stars and perhaps those things I seek will find me wherever I may be.

Today is a beautiful fall day, slightly cool with a few trees of golden and red still remaining, set against the backdrop of the blue sky. Still there is a sense of unrest that hangs in the air, one that has walked by my side for several days now. Perhaps it is the energy of the full moon coupled with the arrival of Samhain. Perhaps it is the departure of my good neighbor, watching the van load up the last of their possessions. It seems as if this is a time of separation, one of moving things out of our lives. That is appropriate I suppose with the arrival of the full moon. The new moon moves with me, we are in sync and I feel a mystical energy during that time. The full moon illuminates all that is around me, bringing its energy to me in an almost jolting force at times.

This is a time of separation it seems.  Things around me are leaving and departure from the familiar always rocks my world at least for a while. My friend who has been blogging with me since May is closing her blogs to pursue her writing. She is a good writer and I support her in all her efforts. I’m just hoping I don’t lose touch with her as she has become part of that familiar landscape for me.

Today I have spent some time catching up with blogs here.  There are great blogs out there many I’m sure that I have yet to find. My focus here is to write and I am guilty of not always visiting others as often as I should. Once there I find treasures that amaze me. As I move forward and embrace new ideas, I may not meet the needs of some who have been readers in the past.  When you take chances you risk losing some along the way. It appears I have done this already, again more separation. Still life is about risk and chance. Without it we never move forward and we may miss some of life’s most glorious experiences. 

 Even with the unrest and slight sadness that fills me this day, you will find me out under the moon. She calls to me and I am drawn to her beauty and light.  As I sit under the moon and stars on this quiet October night, I will wonder how something so strong can be so beautiful.  

Today I found myself the recipient of the Courageous Bloggers Award. Thanks Danielle.

I have to admit, I don’t really think of myself as courageous. There are bloggers out there who write about the world, politics and topics that at times bring their blogs under scrutiny. I write about my journey and my experiences as I think it’s important to share this part of myself. In doing so I’ve found those who would fill that path with doubt but also those who have given me strength and encouragement to carry with me along the way.

Also, I enjoy sharing the unusual experiences that I have, not only because I just need to share them with someone, but also because this is not something I alone experience. Perhaps in sharing these things, someone else can realize they too are not alone.

At any rate, I just wanted to post a big thank you for this and for all those who come here and read my musings of the night.

It appears I’ve been tagged. It’s not something I generally do here but I will see if I can’t be creative with it. As with all tags, it will probably stop here as I don’t like tagging others, though you can never tell what I might do today.

The instructions say that each player starts with some random facts/habits about himself/herself. As you are tagged you need to post the rules and your responses on your own blog. At the end of your post, you need to choose some people to tag, list their names and, of course, leave them a comment, telling they have been tagged and they need to read your blog for more information.

A. Artichokes…Marinated ones..I love them.

B. Basset Hounds, I have one named Daisy.

C. Cats, I have three of them, one black, one orange and white Persian, and one Siamese.

D. Dark of the Moon, the time when my energy is the best.

E. Energy, a concept I could never explain

F. Fairies, not always sparkling with wings.

G. Guinevere, a woman torn by love and misguided notions

H. Halloween sometimes known as Samhain the New Year for many pagans.

I. Ice Cream, an evil invention.

J. The first initial of my given name

K. The Kite Runner, something I’m about to start reading.

L. Love, I write about it alot. Listen to your own heart, never anyone else. They often do not have your best interests at heart.

M. Music, I listen to it when I write.

N. New Age, I suppose that’s what some people think I am, but really I’m not.

O. Objectivity, an important skill to have.

P. Pumpkins. I made them the header on my blog because they are so representative of fall to me.

Q. “Queen of the Night,” one of the first books I read since all this started.

R. Roses, I wish I had some right now. I love them, all colors. Pink is my favorite and I love english roses especially.

S. Samhain, the pagan New Year, known to most of us as Halloween. For an interesting read, go here.

T. Temper You wont see mine on the surface much but you will know if I am irritated.

U. Underneath There is a great deal under the surface that I have not let out yet.

V Violence Something that seems to be growing more acceptable and we need to do something.

W. Witch A word I have a great deal using to describe myself but is bascially what I am.

X. Xenophobia Something that I don’t like.

Y. Yellow My mothers favorite color, one that I hated for years but now I really like it.

Z. Zig Zag. Somedays I feel like I’m moving in this pattern

One of the biggest struggles for me over the past year, has been finding a place where I fit. Since discovering this side of myself, be it pagan or whatever, I’ve gone on to search for others who feel as I do, who experience those things I experience.  I’ve found things and abandoned them and continue to work on defining just who it is I am.  I suppose you could say I believe in all things and I believe in nothing. I see the world through many eyes, and I refuse to follow just one path.

When I first started down this road last fall,  I joined many groups and forums in an effort to discover like minded souls. What I ended up finding, for the greater part,  were many who made me doubt myself and who perceived the pagan world from their point of view only, one that did not tolerate any variance. The pagan world speaks much about intolerance but does not see that some of the worst intolerance lies within their own circles.  There were nice people out there, ones searching, as I was, for a guide to help them as they were going through a discovery and transformation.  There were few guides there, but those whose arrogance drove many like myself to solitary discoveries or in the case of some, away from the path entirely. During that time, I was given misinformation and made to feel that without years and years of mentoring and experience I would never be able to embrace the divine.   Occasionally there were those who would lend a hand to me, in my confusion,  and I will always hold them in my heart.

Since I’ve separated myself from these groups, I’ve found more people like myself, people out there who walk a path that has no name but one that embraces the world and the divine within.  No one can find that for you nor can they take it from you. They cannot hold it captive because you do not believe as they do, and they cannot award it because you have done those things they feel you should to earn it. The divine is there walking with us from the time we are created.  You may look to find it, or perhaps one day, as it was with me, it will find you, calling in a voice that is unmistakable.

It’s been a struggle to write the past few days. There have been many things on my mind but I’ve been unable to put them to words.  Between work and the usual things on the home-front I’ve found myself pretty consumed.

Periodically I hit these snags on the road where I feel like I’m out there dangling with no idea who I am or where I’m going. That’s where I am again. Now that I’ve struggled with this feeling several times it seems it’s a bit easier to tolerate,  and also it seems to signal another turn or step forward in my quest to figure out who this person is that walks inside me.

Currently I’m a bit preoccupied with thoughts of a blogging venture that may or may not get off the ground. The other day I wrote a post presenting the idea of taking a moment top write our fellow man.  There are so many people in this world, many who are not as fortunate as us. Some seem to gain public attention while others do not.  We do not all have the same value on this earth and this is something that bothers me a great deal. In fact as I look around at a culture based increasingly on the “bottom line” it seems the value of people is becoming less and less important.  I suppose this is why, if I could have my ideal job, I would wander the world writing about its people, especially those who need to be seen.

If we can write about our environment surely we can take a moment to write about those who walk this world with us with the same hopes and dreams, but without the voice to help realize them.  I know there are many who already do this on an individual basis on political and social blogs.  My purpose when I began blogging was not to venture into the greater world.  There are those better equipped to write about such things.  This blog was to be my place and my journey. Perhaps this is just another turn on that road.  I’ll keep you posted.

It’s one of those days where I have too many emotions on board and so can’t sort them out. Days like these I either walk away or sit and play with blog design as you can see. I welcome input on this from anyone, as I like hear what others think. I just recently found out the type on my other blog was difficult for a regular reader. She was worried I might take offense when she told me. I felt terrible, and quickly made a change. This particular design is very nice but I’m not too sure about the type. It seems the light type on the dark background becomes very hard to look at. So please, don’t be afraid to say something. I don’t want people to stop visiting because the blog gives them a migraine.

I’m also working on designs for four other blogs on my community blog site. There is a great deal of design freedom there and it’s really great fun. I’ve been made co-author for blogs that will highlight the UK trip that I was hoping to be on. It’s a bit bittersweet to work on these. As it grows closer I am reminded daily of what isn’t happening for me. I continue to feel there must be a reason obstacles were placed in my path and that my time will come soon. Our focus for this trip was different so the content I will be working with will also be different. These will take on a more social nature. Still its fun and when I get my opportunity I will write about people, places and experiences. That for me would be an ideal career, wandering about the world writing about its people.

There are a great many people out there who need us to write about them just as we wrote about the environment. When we wrote about our environment, each of us chose something to focus on and the big picture was covered. When we write about people it seems only certain groups get our attention. It would be nice if we cared equally for our fellow man but it seems down through history that only certain groups are valued. It would be nice some day to see a Blog Action Day for people, where we could take a day focusing our writing on those who need us, whether they are far away in another country, or living next door, and the hidden poor. We are after all fellow travelers in this world.

Its funny how things come up letting you know you haven’t quite worked through things as well as you thought. Yesterday as I read through blogs on my community site, there was yet another post from a member highlighting personal and sensitive information about her son’s girlfriend. I told myself to walk away, as I knew the post would upset me as the previous ones had. As it turns out I didn’t walk away but responded as calmly as I could.

We can’t change others, nor can we control what they post. I kept telling myself that yesterday as I read her continued saga. It seems her son and his girlfriend of four months found out they were pregnant. Both are very young, twenty and twenty two, and the girlfriend has chosen not to continue the pregnancy. The son fueled by his mother, who wants to be a grandmother, decided he wanted this baby. That’s a lovely thought but this is a boy too immature to stand by the girlfriend in her time of need. He told his mother he didn’t know if he could love her anymore, and he took this private, sensitive information spreading it to every family member he could think of. His mother stood behind him in all of this, and in fact, pushed him to guilt this girl and makes a bad situation even more difficult for her. While I knew there was nothing I could do, I found myself unable to sit quietly by and watch her splatter the blog with something that should not have been her business in the first place. She was not happy with my comments though they were not even close to what I wanted to say. She felt I was personalizing it and she was right.

Fifteen years ago I walked the road this girl is on and it was a terrible journey, one that almost swallowed me. This is something I have never shared with another soul on this earth save two. One was the girl who drove me to the clinic and the other was the father. I still remember the clinic, the room, the people in that room and every detail of the experience. I had no support of any kind and when I came home, the father, who was a grown man, called me to see if it was done. When I told him it was done his response was “great!” He then chose to ignore me for the remainder of the weekend, leaving me alone to deal with the emotions of the situation.

As I read the details of this girl and know what she faces, it brought it all back to me. While I should probably step away from that blog, I feel I have to be there for her, at least in a far off way. This part of my past has faded to a little place deep inside of me. It’s something that will never be completely gone from my heart, but for the first time I’m able to talk about it outside the pages of a private journal and that’s another step forward on my journey.

As I sat looking over my entry from yesterday, I wondered to myself if I should post things like that at all. Perhaps such experiences should be kept on the pages of a private journal, never shared. It did tend to look like some made up tale from a sleep over filled with giggly young girls. It’s difficult to discuss happenings from the mystical side of life even though there may be a deep desire to share, as I felt yesterday.

There is a side to me that craves answers for all things. In this mystical side of the world, there are no answers but the ones that come to you from deep within. I have had to learn to hear them, balancing those messages with a past that has filled me with uncertainty. It is easy for me to doubt, to dismiss the very things I see before me. Sometimes those messages come to me with strength to push their way through those doubts and uncertainties, helping me learn to trust in myself and in others. So it was with the message yesterday. The working was filled with intense energy and this energy continued working long after I left the site where I worked my craft. When I returned home this morning there were more things that defied explanation.

There can be no doubt in the message, not this time. The love that was sent was returned and the beauty of it still fills this very room where I sit. Tell me how not to share that with others.

It’s been a night of very strong energy this new moon. I slept very little last night, the energy surrounding me, making words fall from me with ease at a time when I wanted only to sleep. Still the energy was beautiful and I could do nothing but lie awake in it’s presence, feeling the love speak with me and through me. I suppose that all sounds very dramatic indeed.

This energy has followed me today and I finally put it to use in a working, something I had intended to do during the wee hours. I wrote a letter and sent it a bit unconventionally, trying something new. I plan to post one as well as I’m a fairly practical person. As I worked with the energy sending the emotions and words of the letter, I felt a tremendous strength fill me. Tired but peaceful after my efforts I extinguished my candles and went off to make my dinner. Upon returning to my place of crafting, I found the candle used for the subject burning. When I had left it was completely burned down and had gone out on it’s own. I lit the candle representing me, because I felt like I should and I then set about to light the others. I relented leaving things with just the two candles, and set about doing other things. When I returned the red candle representing the love I had poured into the working, was now burning, and it burned until there was nothing left at the bottom of the candle holder. The subject candle still bears a flame, a mystery to me as it should have gone out ages ago.

Perhaps this sounds like a made up tale of magic. Trust me when I say I don’t make up such things. I have no time for made up nonsense and as my son would tell you, I’m a skeptic who questions all things. As I sit now watching the flames of our two candles, I know that sometimes things just line up in this universe and there is nothing that can diminish the magic of such moments.

Some days I spend time just browsing through the sites on my blogroll, and while visiting their sites, I look at their blogrolls as well. Often that’s the way I discover some of the wonderful sites out there. As I read the entries of some of these amazing writers, I become painfully aware of how new this is to me, this writing thing, and how much I need to grow.

I’ve spent the afternoon looking at courses in writing, not because of the other blogs, but because I just got the urge. We have several colleges in our area and a large university. I can’t believe I’m looking at anything to do with school, but was reminded of the prediction made many years ago, by a teacher, that I would go back to school. I’ve been working so hard trying to write, stumbling along by myself. It’s so like me, trying to do it all by myself. Now I think I need more and it’s time to move forward. I need to play around and discover what road my words need to follow. I’m not sure fiction is the way and there are many other roads. At one time I felt nursing school had cured me of any wish to ever revisit the world of academics, so I guess the urge to return is pretty strong.

No one can give us that need to write that comes from within, nor can they fill us with the words that grow there. They can however, help us unlock the doors so those needs can be met, and our words can find a place to be remembered.

This morning I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to decide what to write. I don’t know why this is such an issue as there are many thoughts spinning around in my head. There are so many things I want to write about, maybe that is the problem, not being able to sort them out.

Here we are the new moon again, time moving past quickly. The energy of this time is joining with the energy of the season.  As Halloween or Samhain approaches, those things that sometimes wander into my world are likely to become ever more present. Last year at this time, all of this was very new to me. I had no idea what was happening to me, nor did I expect any “visitors.” Channeling started with someone far away, someone I knew only in a way I can’t explain, and with whom I felt an immediate bond as if we’d known one another before. That bond has grown stronger and that channeling more intense. Energy became a concept outside of a book, one I could not grasp until it grasped me, and one I have had to work hard to control.  Early on I learned what negative energy felt like, long before I had the resources to deal with it.  I started to feel the presence of others with me on occasion, most times the one mentioned earlier. Sometimes it was an unidentified presence, last Halloween the presence of a departed relative. That was a moving visit, one where I again did not see, but felt a strong sorrow fill the room.  It was not my sorrow but his, and to this day I wonder why he chose me and what he was trying to say. Most importantly, what I looked for in books and the answers I sought from others, I found deep within.  I’m still looking for some of them.  Now when I ask for guidance I ask for the divine from within to grow stronger.

One year has come and gone and I find myself no surer of where my path will lead than I was then.  What I am sure of is what is real and what has come to me. I feel there must be a reason for all this, destiny if you will.  It’s not something I can bring up over a coffee to be sure and so I guard it carefully in my personal life.  This is not always an easy path as I discover who I am, perhaps who I’ve always been.  It’s a bit like chipping away at a large rock trying to get to what is waiting inside.  I’m getting closer as I see first of that jewel sparkling in the moonlight. 

The other morning I was on my way home from work. It was dark as it is these mornings, and I was ready for my bed. Sometimes it seems, when I get that tired, my mind seems to clear of all things and messages, or revelations come to me.

This particular revelation was about part of my past, and that morning those last memories would fade away like an old picture left too long in the sun. As I drove along, I thought of how I am now, and how strong the love is that fills me, the capacity for intimacy almost endless. Then it struck me, how new this all is to me. I’ve never been in this place before. I was capable of love but only with my children and I had no capacity whatsoever for intimacy with anyone. It was hard for me to sit and think about it, as I came from relationships filled with a good deal of coldness and cruelty. At the same time, however, I realized how lonely my partners must have been as I shut them out of every part of myself. I don’t blame myself, nor do I blame them for the things that have passed by me during those times. There is a feeling of great peace, as if none of it matters any longer.

Another small part of my journey is complete, something falling away, opening the door for me to move forward. Perhaps this is why I have found my “twin flame” in this life, so I might heal the woman that once was, and realize the woman that was meant to be.

Today I came in the door from work and found this waiting for me. What do I say to such a lovely thought? My thoughts and musings seen as blogging elegance was such a surprise.

It’s been almost a year now since I sat down and wrote my very first thing. I had just journaled my private thoughts up to that point, but had not actually put anything together. I remember the words. They were about love, not that this should come as a surprise to anyone. The other thing was about trying to understand each other in this world. They were not very good as they were my first attempts at writing anything, but it was a beginning. I remember at that time I had no blog. I was on several forums and posted some of it there to get some feedback. One of the forum owners, deleted it and left me a nasty email telling me perhaps I should start a blog, and so I ventured to Blogger. People cross our paths for various reasons, even the ones who would behave badly, or so it seems. After a time on blogger I found I was getting very little feedback. So one winters day I made the move here.

There are so many wonderful blogs out there and so many amazing writers. Some days it makes me feel way out of my league. Still I have this need deep down in me to keep writing and so I do. I’ve come so close to starting a new direction with it and I know one of these days I’ll make that turn. When it happens it will require more commitment and time, and I know my blogging activities will have to be restricted. This has been a wonderful thing for me, and as long as anyone comes here I will continue to write about my experiences. Writing those thoughts of my heart and soul gives me great satisfaction. To be rewarded for it with this and other awards I have received is something very special indeed.

Last night I was dreaming again, not that this is any great thing. We all dream don’t we? I always have had vivid dreams since I was a child, so much so that at times it was like going to the movies. It seems there are few that I remember after I’m awake. Those would be the repetitive dreams, the very vivid dreams, and the ones that are extremely upsetting.

It’s been a few months now since I’ve had one that was really vivid. Those were only a few and they all centered around one person. These dreams were so vivid that a sense of “real” filled them. It’s been disappointing not to have more, but then as I look over the past months, I realize the connection with this person has grown stronger in other ways. Perhaps the dreams aren’t necessary any longer. Last night, however, he was there, and as I thought about it, I knew he had been there in many of the dreams I’ve had lately. It’s not been direct but as if he was looking in at my dreams, watching what I’m watching, almost standing by my side. There have also been flashes of him that come to me suddenly and are very strong, along with a few things I’ve seen on those rare occasions when I really let go with meditation. Explaining a connection with another person is difficult and there are days I can’t explain it, even to myself. But, it’s there without a doubt, his energy coming to me, surrounding me. Sometimes I wonder if he feels it too, or if it’s just me, my discovery alone for this life. It makes me sad to think this, that I will walk through life, feeling this bond for him, and it might not be his time to see. Still I’m glad to know he’s here in life. I’d rather have the connection with him, knowing such a thing can exist, than not have it at all.

Deep down I want so badly to tell him, but I know how strange it could sound and it might only serve to upset him, the last thing I’d ever want to do. So I sit back and watch his life go by me, hoping I will find him again some day and hoping he waits to leave this life until I am gone. Strange as it may seem, I need him here if only for the knowledge of what once must have been.

Last night I was talking with a fellow blogger. I had not been to her blog for some days. She keeps a small flist as she prefers her independence. I respect that and she knows I will pop in and out to see what she has written. Some days I don’t quite get it, but other times when I read her it’s like an understanding that passes between us, despite the differences we may have. Yesterday was such a day. Her entry talked about people coming and going out of our lives, something I’ve experienced quite a bit lately. It talked about this being ok and that she could function without them, if they chose to go.

I started thinking about it and realized she was right. It is good to have people around for support, but some people are only on our paths for a short time. Maybe some of them will slow us on our path, at least for a while. As we talked I began to see, they are not holding us back, they are helping us see what we can do, by pushing through what they say we can’t. It’s the “opportunity to strengthen our convictions and to move forward.” These people are sent to us perhaps, to help us see. 

These people walk in and out of our lives, on and off our path. I have been tested in the past few months, many times. My beliefs and convictions have shifted, forming into a much clearer vision of who it is I might be. There are other beliefs that have stood the test and it has made me see now more than ever, that what I have experienced in these last months is very real.

In all honesty, I don’t care to think of life as one big lesson and everyone in it as a teacher. When I look at it this way, life loses it’s beauty and I wonder why we would continue on. I think it is important to live life and let ourselves love. Only then can we move forward. I have been told in so many words that it was my lot to do without in this life, that I must let go of things that will only walk out of my life. Now that I look back, I wonder that someone would say that to another person, taking dreams and hopes and putting in their place resignation to a life unfulfilled. Where is it written that we must suffer in this life to learn.

There will no doubt be more people sent to me as I wander through this life. They will help me grow strong, shaping me, sometimes unknowingly into the person I am becoming. There will also be those who stay by my side as well, walking with me and filling my world with light.

I‘m up in the night again. It’s been a while since I’ve had this time to myself.  I love the night, so quiet and peaceful. It opens the way for all the messages we lose during the busy times.  As I lay in my bed tonight, I heard the wind blowing through the trees as if it was calling my name.  I was tired and very comfortable and the wind was soothing, but I kept opening my eyes.  It seemed as if I should get up, that the time was right for me to be awake with the night and listen. So I sat with my candles, listened and talked, pouring the words from my heart.  The time was right and now I am drifting in this peaceful place.  I think I will take this peaceful place and drift with it into dreams.

It must have been one of those days yesterday, one of melancholy thoughts and one of memories. Last night was up late and I started thinking about my aunt again. I’ve a great many aunts as my parents both came from large families. This one is my mother’s older sister. She was always my favorite aunt and I can hear her voice as plain as day when I think of her.

We spent many summer vacations at her home located in a small town in Iowa, just big enough that there was a hospital and schools and such but small enough that you could walk most places. She had a big white house; I can still see it like it was yesterday. If I close my eyes I can smell the scents that were in that house. It had a sun porch, a big old fashioned kitchen and an upstairs where I would stay in my cousin’s room. There was a porch upstairs as well and my cousin Greg would stand there and lob water balloons at his sisters boyfriends. You could hear the trains at night in the summer and whenever I hear the train whistles blow, it takes me back to that house and my summers there.

My cousins were close to us when we were growing up. The daughter had long brown hair and brown eyes like my grandmother and I thought her quite beautiful. I wanted so to look like her, instead of having the blond curls that were a curse when I was a teenager. She had a horrible temper however, and she and her brother were bitter enemies most of their childhood. I suspect they still are. He still lives in that town with his family, but she moved across country first chance she got. When I was a child my grandmother lived with my aunt’s family though I never got to know her well. She always had a smile on her face but was very quiet. She lost a child before my mother was born and from what mom told me, never quite recovered from it.

I’ve been thinking of that house and of my aunt these past days. I don’t know what has triggered all of this, but I miss her terribly. I’m worried that something may have happened. We didn’t find out about my uncle until after his funeral. I don’t know how we all drifted away from one another, but I think it’s time I wrote a letter sharing my memories of those days.