Monthly Archive

There is much I want to write about my 2007, but today is not the day for that. I am swimming in powerful wonderful energy today. and I’m just going to savor it along with my spurt of domesticity.  To everyone, Happy New Year.

Another snowy day has come, the snow falling as the light of the day fades away. The post holiday stress has caught up with me and I feel as if I could sleep for days. Curling under the warm covers of my bed, I find myself drifting away into thoughts and places, finding the things that were lost to me for the past days. The solitude I seek is found during these times where I can retreat into my mind and let it travel to the places and people that find me as well.

It seems sometimes we sit longing for the places we wish to be and for those who are not here at our side. In that longing we forget that those who are connected with us for whatever reason, are but a whisper away. Today I close my eyes and speak the soft words from deep in my soul, falling into sleep wrapped in the warm embrace of those that answer.

It’s been a busy few days with work and then the holidays.  There was little time to write and though my heart and soul seemed to be filled with things I wanted to say, bringing them to the page during the holiday frenzy was not something I could accomplish.

After all the work and whining(on my part), the holiday turned out to be very quiet as usual and I sat wondering why I make it into such a task every year. Truly I know that tradition in my house must change in order to breath some life and spirit back into it for me and avoid the appearance of the Christmas Shrew for everyone else.  Last night as I enjoyed an early quiet evening, before midnight in my house, I found the favorite part of things for me is looking at the dark room illuminated by the shimmer of lights from the trees. The deck covered with a foot of sparkling snow was also accented by the lights that lined the rails.

Now that the frenzy of the two days is over,  the urge to hike through the snow to the lake is strong and I think that is where my evening will take me. What could be more lovely than a snow covered landscape, the moon lighting my way. My inner person is waiting to write as my heart has been full of many thoughts these past few days.   It seems once we begin a journey, discovering and making turns on the road we are forever changed and those things we find are now part of us for life. There is no turning back for me, those things I have found cannot be pushed away while life goes on as before.  When I deny the person inside, living life as it was once,  it is a lonely road, a lesson taught well over the past few days, one I will truly never forget.

Tonight if you look for me, you will find me walking through the snow, under the moon and stars,  back where I belong, my inner voice speaking with the things that are forever part of me, and listening for the messages that might come my way.

This morning on the way home from work the moon was as bright and beautiful as I have ever seen it. I felt the energy as it’s light shined down over the dark snowy morning and all seemed well.  My work is not finished and yet another string of lights went out on the deck this morning. All I could do was laugh.  Perhaps I’ll just let the moon and the stars be my outside decorations  this year.

The past 24 hours have been filled with messages, brought in the most interesting of ways.  Sometimes we need only look beyond what is happening in the moment to find them.  Take a moment this day to breath and to look at the moon and stars in all of their beauty.

May you all find peace and happiness this holiday season.

Isn’t it funny how just when you need it, something comes along to make you stop, take a breath and realize what it’s all about.  Yesterday I was so tired from all of the holiday stress. The tears came freely and it seemed arguments rather than good will filled my home.  Finally at the end of the day, things calmed and I listened to music while making some of my seasonal candies. The music of the day reminded me of those who are no longer here and more tears came, followed by warm memories of holidays gone by.  Still my sleep was scattered, the energy of Yule I think, filling me but also making me come back to my senses and realize what will be will be and it’s enough.

As I lay in bed listening to the sound of melting snow dripping from the rooftops I took stock of all that has come my way in the past year. There have been many gifts, the gift of words, the gift of an awakening to self, and the gift of those who now walk in my world. These gifts are without measure and I am a different person because of them. 

This morning I awakened to a winter wonderland of sorts, a soft now coming in the night icing the tree branches all in white.  It was what  I needed when I came downstairs for my coffee, tired from fitful sleep.  The tears as still close today, falling at the slightest word or thought, but, I realized, perhaps they are tears that need to fall, ones that have been held back for so long.  The trees with their beautiful ornaments and lights will go up today, the only thing I really ever wanted and more music will fill the house. Memories will come with each of the decorations we put on those trees, as we remember the love, forgotten for just a moment in our holiday frenzy.  Ah, here come the tears. 

Last night I finally found a bit of quiet time for myself, time to find the space where I could speak the words I needed to speak and listen for what would come my way.  Those times never feel long when I am in that space, hours passing in minutes.  The answers usually come if I take the time to listen and see, and so they did, rather boldly this time, quieting my doubts and uncertainties.  It was time much needed and when my head hit the pillow in the wee hours of the night I felt a closeness that had not been there in days.

Tonight is beautiful, the bitter cold giving way to milder weather.  The moon is bright in the sky and I am about to return to my perch on the step stool as I hang the lights that line the front walk. As I hang each string it becomes more magical looking, giving me the motivation I need to continue.

I’ve often found the late evening and night a great time to do projects, as those who would normally be underfoot, or offer helpful but unwelcome suggestions are in bed. Personally I’d rather no one had to endure my grumbling as I find myself entangled in endless strings of lights.  I would certainly win no awards for charm. The beauty of the night sky also accents the lights making the end result immediately rewarding.

I’m hoping my neighbors don’t wonder as I work along their side of the walkway hanging the sheet lights that line the entrance of our homes with a jewel like quality.  As I work it brings back memories of when my children were small and I would be outside working on clearing the snow. They would watch from the doorway begging to come outside. After many long minutes bundling them they would join me and then not ten minutes later ask to go back inside.  I would go in and out of the house while clearing mountains of snow with my little shovel, making sure they were not into mischief.  Once I came in to find the kitchen table top adorned with crayon.

Now they are big and the dog has taken their place, standing with her big brown eyes watching me from the long windows that line the front door.  Once outside she quickly shows her true colors, trotting away to check out what treasures she might find as my neighbors have spoiled her badly.  Pursuit is a game she adores as she waits until I am upon her and then bolts quickly away. Once she is cold she goes quickly inside only to return to her long window and the whole thing starts from the beginning. 

While I hang the lights for my own enjoyment and for others who I know would miss them were they not put up, I get the bonus of a quiet night out under the moon and stars. There are many thoughts going through me right now, beautiful words from the heart that I have not been able to bring to the page.  Perhaps my time in the night air will clear my head and allow those words to come together.

Last night was a quiet night at work, the holidays no doubt consuming most people. It was one of those nights where I wanted to be off somewhere on my own as I was in a powerful writing mood. The thoughts that drifted through me were ones difficult to put to paper, especially in the presence of others.

As this holiday approaches, I find myself becoming increasingly inward and the need to embrace what I am feeling is very strong. This is clashing of course with the normal holiday “let’s get everything nice for everyone else ” feeling, and oddly the solitary need is winning. This year I find myself the least prepared, few decorations up, nothing purchased and nothing baked and put away. Surprisingly I don’t care. I will get the bare minimum that I need to buy so that my son gets the things he wants. I will make some Christmas treats this week and no doubt the trees will go up.

This is the first Christmas I can remember feeling this way but it is the second Christmas since I awakened to another side of me. The shift that has taken place is large even though it was done in small subtle ways. The person who I am becoming is quickly replacing the last remnants of the person I have been. It’s a real “me” time right now and I feel a bit guilty about it. I realized I had forgotten a pass it forward write on a blog, I had forgotten a secret Santa event on another blog and when I read another blog about “blogging with obligation” I found myself strongly at odds with the words. There are so many obligations in this life I refuse to let my blog become one of them. Writing for me is something that feeds my soul and when it becomes an obligation, unless of course it pays money, I will stop.

Truly I know I need to get away by myself, wander a bit and let this person who is pounding her way out find a way. It will not happen now, as I have an “obligation” to those who surround me. The holidays are not lost on me, I enjoy them. What I need is a nice fire, the wonderful scent of a pine bough, music, a glass of wine and the shimmer of the few lights I have managed to wrap on the deck.

I struggled with those feelings last night and continue to do so today, needing to pour them out on a page. As I look over my words here I realize they are scattered at best and I wonder if anyone will understand what it is I am trying to say. During the night hours I pulled up some wallpaper on my pc. As I sat looking at the solitary candle amidst the pine, it seemed to look back at me, echoing the words that failed to find their way to the page.

This is one of those quiet mornings where the stars and moon still fill the sky and the house sleeps. I’m sitting here with my breakfast in hand, pondering the day marking another year of my life. When did I get to be this woman and how did the time pass by me so fast?  Truly time seems to race past me these days and a voice of urgency presses me forward, the voice that says “time waits for no one.” 

As I sit here so tired from the nights work, part of me wants to walk by the lake under the stars on this dark cold morning. Part of me wants to wander the world sharing my experiences as I go.  Some of me want to close my eyes and journey today, letting go to seek more, something I suppose I will never stop doing. It is my nature to want to know more and more.  Sitting here I realize that some things I might think to be big discoveries turn out to be nothing more than a beautiful view of the moon and stars.  It’s the little things that are often the biggest discoveries, the ones that one day make you stop and think.  It’s then you see further down the road of your journey and those things that made you doubt wait there for you.

Today I want to run and shout, the girl in me still very much alive.  The woman just wants to drift into sleep and dreams, hoping all that she wishes for this day will be waiting there for her. 

This week has been one for the moon and stars in my life, their influence making me stop to gaze at the night sky and leaving me filled with thoughtful hours after.  Certainly they have influenced me as I have found myself writing about things that normally would not be put to a page, private things from the deepest part of my soul. Perhaps it was the time to share such things as I feel myself being moved forward to new places.

The moon and stars have called me out under the night sky this week, first the stars and now the moon.  Last night as I wandered about outside with the dog, I noticed yet another neighbor moving in or out. As I watched, my gaze was drawn upwards to the sky. There was the moon, the outline a perfect silhouette on the night sky accented with a lovely small crescent to the side. It was quite beautiful and once again I found myself wishing I had camera in hand.  I turned away moving with the dog as she explored her many snowbanks, and when I turned back, it was gone without a trace.  I wondered and then resigned myself to clouds going back inside. I spent the next part of my evening on the deck untangling and weaving a display of Christmas lights, the picture of the moon never leaving me. It was not until later, outside with the dog once again, that I realized the moon does not rise in front of my home, but rather in back, the deck side.  The stars at that time were brilliant in the sky but again there was no trace of the moon I had seen earlier. I went back inside and out onto the deck to have a look as this is where the moon should have been. Again there was no moon. Perhaps we had more clouds that I realized in the night sky or perhaps it was the distraction of the lights that kept me busy.  

I thought about that moon for the rest of the evening along with the star that I had seen earlier in the week, wondering about where my thoughts have been this week and the clarity I have experienced. Maybe it’s just one giant coincidence and I’ve been fortunate to have seen some lovely things. Still it feels as if something is speaking to me, calling me back and at the same time moving me forward. “Coming home” a definition I ran across this morning describes much of this week.  My heart and soul have found their way again and I have found a quiet peace this week as the answers that have left me searching for so long, at least some of them,  have found their way to me under a star filled sky. 

Twin flames, now there is a topic that might get some eye rolls.  A while back I had a reading done and the person doing it knew basically nothing about me. She brought up a twin flame in my life and at the time I found the reading to be very on, enjoyed it and put it aside.

This weekend I remembered that reading and decided to do a bit of research on the topic.  Let me warn you there are many bad sites about twin flames, some who want your money and some that deny they are dating sites while wanting to match you with yours. I pressed on and did find a couple of good sites.  The concept of the twin flame is not a new one but has been made to seem so with new agey twists.  As I read on I found myself almost breathless as I the words and emotions I have not been able to describe to others were sitting on a page before me.  A feeling of peace came over me as I moved through the pages, an understanding, at least more of an understanding of what I have found.  It was an answer  for the emotions that fill me, ones that cant be dismissed even if I would wish it so.  Someone asked me how I could feel so much love for another person.  I could never answer her, I just knew what I felt was real.

I’m not sure why I am writing about this here, as there are those who will never understand and think me quite silly.   I needed to share this moment of clarity that I have been given. I’m certain there was a reason for it, perhaps it was just my time to know. 

Stars have always fascinated me, ever since I was a little girl.  I loved sparkly stars, glittery stars, glow in the dark stars and of course the stars in the sky.  It’s probably a miracle that once on my own I didn’t decorate my room in stars, something that would have horrified all the traditional home types that surrounded me.

Now I find myself more focused on the stars in the sky something that I notice so much more these days. The new moon is upon us giving the stars a dark canvas on which to paint their pictures.  This morning after returning home from work I found myself standing out in the darkness  and cold surveying the jeweled sky with renewed wonder. As I made my way home I noticed a star, very bright pushing its way through the scattered clouds that surrounded it, creating a halo of light that was hard to miss. I thought at first it might be a plane, as it was so large and bright, but it did not move following my journey home.  My eyes were tired from the night I called my son, who was awake, to join me. I thought perhaps it was an illusion caused by blurry vision. He told me he had seen this star on a previous night early in the evening from the deck.  I have no idea what I was looking at, but it was beautiful and unlike the other stars that graced the darkness.

Tonight I will once again look for this star this one that called to me, creating a moment of tranquility and appreciation for the beauty of a cold winter’s morning.

Today is a better day  and I’ve found myself in a lighter spirit, plotting the design of my outside lights.  The bad mood of yesterday is gone, and in the last half hour I’ve started shivering and feeling like I want to fall over. I should have known, as almost every flu bug is heralded by a mood swing such as the yesterdays. Still, I find myself in a peaceful spot and the while bundling and drinking  tea, the good mood continues.

This morning as I was surveying my blogs I had an interesting experience.  I came upon a piece where a ping back had been added. As I read the piece, one I had written two days ago, I found myself swept away.  I moved through the words,  the emotions filling me as if it was written by a stranger and I’d just stumbled upon it.  It was an overwhelming feeling and I sat looking at the words wondering “who wrote this anyway?”

Every once in a while this person I’m not sure of yet, the one who is still finding her way in me, reaches out and writes through me.  Then she is gone again, leaving the pieces that speak softly or the pieces that pull me into their embrace, like the one from this morning. I hope one day she will stay, this visitor of my soul.  Then perhaps those days I sit and struggle, pen in hand, will be filled with words that help me weave a tapestry of my world.

I’ve been trying to come up with a clever write about my kitchen, having been tagged a few days ago, and oddly it’s not been easy. Kitchens have been my favorite room of the house for so long and now it seems with everyone scattered here and there, my time spent in the kitchen is certainly ever present but less organized.

My first kitchen was in a small house, my first house when I was married. It was very sunny I remember that, with white cabinets we painted. I had violets growing in the windows. I had that kitchen during the first two years of my daughters life and the middle years of my marriage. In that kitchen I learned much about cooking and communication, the second lesson carried forth only to be used much much later in life.

My second kitchen was much larger and sunny, though the sun didn’t stream in the windows like in the first one. It looked out over the front yard and I spent many years there. It had oak cabinets and was covered with school pics and artwork most of it’s years. The appliances were old, copper don’t you know with horrid avocado green carpet finishing things off. Still many happy hours were spent there baking, cooking and doing homework.

When I lived at my fathers, caring for him, I had yet another kitchen, small but with memories of my childhood. The kitchen was soon to be filled with memories of another kind. The sun once again streamed through the windows watching the days go by as my fathers illness changed what he could do and who he was. One of the funny memories I have of that time was Thanksgiving. I had scrubbed the kitchen from top to bottom before the day. During the night my father, hungry for more whipped sweet potatoes, ventured out into the kitchen to help himself. He was getting quite weak at this point, this to be his last Thanksgiving. To make a long story short, he dropped the bowl of sweet potatoes, causing a volcano to erupt from one end of the kitchen to the other. When I came out the next morning there were potatoes stuck everywhere including the ceiling. After my father passed I stayed in that house for a bit, but the memories were no longer pleasant and the renovations required an astronomical budget.

Now this brings us to our current kitchen. It does not have the sun streaming in as it is in the center of the middle floor. It is the biggest and best organized kitchen I have ever had and seems to have a never ending stream of visitors from morning until night. We are still working on making memories in this kitchen and I will need to get started with my son, as now that my daughter has found her true love, I suspect she will need to start her own memories in her own kitchen one day soon.

Last but not least, my dream kitchen. I don’t need anything fancy, never have, but I sure would love to look out the door at this.

Tonight is one of those rare quiet nights. It’s early yet and my son is off to bed, another rare thing. I’ve been sitting here trying to write about my kitchen as I have been tagged to do so. I promise it is forthcoming. Tonight however, I look out over the trees, now silhouettes in the night sky, the leaves of autumn fallen and the first snow of winter sparkling on the ground. There are lights from some of the homes shining through our little woods, things we cannot see in the summer when the leaves are thick and green.

As I gaze out over the beauty of this night, I find myself filled with longing for summer. I can’t explain this longing as summer, while I enjoy it, has never been my favorite season. Autumn with it’s bright burst of color, cool nights and lovely days, has always been my time. So where does this come from, this need for the warm days and nights, the days filled with plants and flowers, the nights with the sounds of summer. Perhaps it is the passing of time reflected in the seasons that makes me want to dig in my heels and slow things down.

Time is like the face of an old clock with pictures reflecting the days of my life gone by, the beat of the minutes pushing me forward to do those things that call to me, to embrace those things I have found. Winter is here again, with it’s cold shimmering nights. While I walk through the days and nights of winter with the warm fires, lights and whispering snow, I will sleep bundled under my covers, the soft fragrance of summer days gone by drifting into my dreams.