Monthly Archive

As I was sitting here remembering that tomorrow is my mothers birthday, I was also suddenly reminded that it is Candlemas. I admit this past year has been a journey for me, one that has molded me into a pagan of my own making. I don’t fit any molds nor could I ever walk the path with those who would tell me what I should feel and when. Even back in my young years I never was one to accept the trappings of organized religion. While it offers strength and comfort to some, it felt suffocating to me. As I took my first steps into the pagan world I discovered those who offered nothing different, just relabeled.

I’m like many who have ventured out on their own, to better hear the voice from within and the messages of those who guide us. There has been a strong stirring in me the past few days. I realize now this day has been calling me reminding me to stop and listen, to take stock of where I am and where it is I want to be. So tonight I will fill the room with candlelight and remember this as the beginning of spring to come, the beginnings of life and a time to gaze into the water and see what may be.

The other day was nice and I spent some time taking lights down off the deck, the lights I had struggled so much with before the holidays. Rain was coming followed by ice and I didn’t want them ruined. As I took each strand off I felt a tug in my heart as the lights lend such a magic to anything, perhaps why I choose to work with candles. The lights are all piled on the table now, waiting to be sorted and put away. Though I struggled with them before the holidays and wanted to toss them all in the garbage can, now deep down I want to put back the white sheet lights, as they look like tiny stars hanging from the deck. I’ve always loved the stars and the lights help me feel surrounded by them.

It’s late now, and perhaps as I sit here wide awake, I just need a little magic. Its too cold to sit under the stars, though I must admit they are magnificent. I guess tonight I’ll have to find a way to journey with them walking a path of stars through the night. It’s amazing what can happen when you just close your eyes.

The gentle spring has hidden herself away, reminding us that winter is still here and just how harsh she can be. This morning it was almost 40 below and I feel for all the creatures of the earth who make their homes out in nature. Thankfully I am in my warm house looking outside at a deceptively sunny day. The wind is no longer howling as it was for the past two days while the temperatures went from 40 above to 20 below. The dog is stir crazy and slowly driving me there as well. There will be no walks in this weather as it is just too cold and I’ve spent the last few days fighting a cold of my own. It’s amazing how much a person can cough but things are finally getting better.

Last night as I sat here my son was falling asleep early and I was excited, thinking I would get some much needed alone time, that is except for the dog, and be able to write about all the things that were spinning in my head. Alas he did not stay asleep, thanks to the dog, and was up late chattering at me. We shared some good laughter so it was time well spent. I did chat with a friend very late last night and I got to thinking after we talked, is this why women take so long to discover themselves? Is it a big conspiracy this life thing, filled with all the obligations of caring for others that keeps us from having the time to think? Is this why so many of us stumble along for half our lives before we stop and say “who am I?”

Certainly for me this has been the case, my life filled with children and less than palatable partners, topped by a career as a caregiver. One day someone asked me,”what do you like,” and I was shocked when I realized I didn’t know. Now it’s just a journey of discovery, one where I have been shown some things, but still have much to find out on my own. If only I could find the time. Such is life.

The sun is out and the icicles on roof are melting away, a welcome respite from the dark long days of winter. The doubts that plagued me just days ago are gone, leaving as quickly as they arrived. The things of every day life go on and today I’m thankful to just sit in a dry house with running water, nursing my cold. I’m spending the day pouring over the many seed catalogs arriving daily in the mail, dreaming of warmer days and vast gardens filled with flowers.

Yesterday was not such a tranquil day, one that pulls us out of any mystical place and smacks us right back into reality. As I sat pondering a much needed nap, I heard the sound of running water. Thinking it was the bath I sat a bit longer wondering why it was so noisy. Needless to say it was not the bath and I found we had burst a pipe outside, water pouring down the side of our home. Maintenance guys poured in and out of the house all afternoon, searching for a valve to restore water to the inside while keeping it off on the outside. They did finally find it and to their credit it was hidden under the ceiling put in by the builders. They shop vac’d the water that had seeped inside and promise to come clean my carpet left a bit muddy by their coming and going. I have to tell you, it’s nice to have an association and not have to take care of this myself anymore, other than the initial phone call. Of course this means there will be no vast gardens as I have no vast yard where I can plant them, but I have plenty of deck and patio space for pots and I have my “woods” and meadows filled with trees and wildflowers.

Today, before I leave for work. I’m going to sit with my cup of tea, enjoying the sunshine and remembering that soon I’ll be sitting by the water against my favorite tree, enjoying the gentle days of spring.

This is one of those days where I am surrounded by doubts about the things closest to my heart. I’m not sure where it came from or why I would feel this way but I am working at blocking those doubtful voices in my head, knowing this will pass as sure as it arrived. I suspect it is a combination of the bleak winter days and the strong need for time alone.

Day like this are such a struggle as you work to put it all out of your mind, your heart weighing you down like a thousand pounds, making your every move tired and slow, your every thought without direction. This is when I need time alone so badly to hear what is really being said rather than the voices that come from my own insecurity and choose to haunt me.

Alas tonight is work so time alone will not be had, nor would it be at home. Still this may be the diversion that clears my head long enough for the true words to reach me and wrap me in their embrace, the doubts vanishing as a warmth moves through me letting me know it was only a moment and all is well.

Earlier today I sat down today ready to write about my experiences last night. The moon was beautiful, with intense energy, at least for me. As I struggle to capture the essence of the night and put it to words I can only look back and relish the journey I was given. My cup of coffee grows cold as I sit and stare at the screen. I’ve played with blog design, fantasizing about the day when I too, will have a website and be able to customize this blog to where I want it to be. I’ve listened to music something I often do when I write and I’ve attempted to tell someone about my night, but that too was lost.

Perhaps this experience is not meant for the blog page but for the quiet pages of a journal, a journey so personal it is meant for me alone. These do not come often, these journeys and you cannot plan for their arrival. Last night was powerful, a room filled with mystery deep in the trees.

Tonight I will dig out the journal and place the events of last night on the page of a journal so long neglected, the keeper of my thoughts and my walks in the moonlight.

Today I can’t seem to get anything going. I feel stuffed full of thoughts and emotions but can’t bring them to the page. I’m restless but don’t know what to do. Perhaps it is the energy of the full moon or perhaps I am just stir crazy from being inside in the bitter cold when I need to be by the water, frozen or not. Compounding the frustration is the fact that I just wrote this post, added a picture and the entire post was obliterated. I’ve had this happen once before, that time on probably one of the best things I’ve ever written.

As I sat here browsing blogs I realized I’ve been on WP now for a year. I’m not certain of the exact date as I did some post moving from one blog to another, but I know it was January. Looking back on the posts I realise how much I’ve changed over a years time. The focus of my writing has drifted a bit as has my path. That part of me is still uncertain but I have learned some things.

I’ve learned to be true to myself and what I believe. I’ve learned to trust what is in my heart as it has stood the test of time and the doubts I’ve have allowed others to pour over me. I’m learning to let the behaviors of others be just that and not to give them more power. I’m learning to accept constructive criticism. I’m learning to accept constructive criticism. I’m learning to accept constructive criticism. I’m learning to accept constructive criticism. This has been a tough one as I come from a background of destructive criticism. I’ve learned to think before I speak. My ex had a nickname for me “Frank.” It kind of says it all. It’s that blunt Sagittarian tongue. I don’t mean to hurt feelings but sometimes I do. I’m learning to let the doors open to the things deepest inside me in a hope that my ability to light up the page will improve as time goes by. This is another hard one as I learned long ago to protect myself against those who would use that to hurt me.

I’m still on an uncertain path, some of the things having been with me since the beginning of this journey, some things gone and some still eluding me. Those that have been with me are those that will remain always. Tonight I hope to sit with the moon, something I have not done for some time. Perhaps she will light the path for me as she has done so often in the past.

Today I found this forwarded to me by my friend Hawk. Thank you so much. I am putting on both blogs as he visits both and I’m not sure which one this was intended for. It’s always uplifting to be recognized by your fellow bloggers. There are so many with so much to say out in the blogsphere. Some are just works of art and I go there not only to read the words but to stop and gaze at the beauty. So I forward this on to Celtic Woman, Abdul Ramans Corner, Becoming, Polar, Goddess in a Teapot, Mermaid, Pen of Passion, The Peasant the farmer who should be a writer, Grace, Sorrow, Tylluan Penry, Foxchild and Kulmiye.

An Award for you ALL.

Please take this award with my gratitude, feel free to pass it on to other Global Bloggers. Please do NOT change any links, add to the list if you like but if you copy this list please leave it unchanged.

All I ask is that you link back to here as the original point of reference

Lots of names on this list, are you among them?

It was a bright and cheerful afternoon,
Towards the end of the sunny month of June,
When the north wind congregates in crowds
The floating mountains of the silver clouds
From the horizon–and the stainless sky
Opens beyond them like eternity.
All things rejoiced beneath the sun; the weeds,
The river, and the cornfields, and the reeds;
The willow leaves that glanced in the light breeze,
And the firm foliage of the larger trees.

It was a winter such as when birds die
In the deep forests; and the fishes lie
Stiffened in the translucent ice, which makes
Even the mud and slime of the warm lakes
A wrinkled clod as hard as brick; and when,
Among their children, comfortable men
Gather about great fires, and yet feel cold:
Alas, then, for the homeless beggar old!

By Percy Bysshe Shelley

Today is one of those bitter cold January days. The wind chill warnings are all over the map and it takes your breath away even to go outside for a moment. The sun was out earlier, giving the illusion of warmth to an otherwise classic Minnesota winter day. It’s been a few years since we’ve had a winter like this. I can remember a January not ten years ago where I was running around with a sweatshirt. This is the winter of my childhood years, all white and silver.

My heart still longs for the summer, the lake with it’s water still and blue like glass, the flowers and butterflies dotting the landscape. I long for the summer nights, the warmth, the skies filled with stars and the sounds of all the summer songs filling the night air. I never knew my heart would turn toward summer with such a strength, being an autumn girl all my life, but it has. It almost seems that this is the time when I connect most with the things around me. We have a few months yet to go and I know this is a source of the emptiness I have been feeling. Time passes quickly, however, and spring will be on the doorstep soon, announcing the coming of summer. Until that time, I need to remind myself of it’s beauty so I will be posting some pictures to do just that.

Once again I am amazed how things seem to appear on your path just when you least expect them. Sometimes it takes me longer to see them there, as I react first to the situation, something I’m working on, and then when settled I regain focus and take it all in.

For one who barely has the tips of her toes wet in the world of writing, I still think about it and wonder if this is where I am headed. Perhaps not, perhaps I am to stay where I am just blogging my interactions with life. Still it seems, people come to you only to lead you to other discoveries, things that will perhaps guide you to what it is you seek.

I suppose there are voices that have been trying to reach me for years with many messages, but being buried  under layers of protection, my tender soul just couldn’t hear them. Slowly they seem to be making their way through. Thankfully those voices are patient.

This afternoon I spent some time visiting blogs, rather than doing the things that need to be done around the house.  There are such remarkable people on my blogroll it is always a pleasure to catch up on what they have written.  Often, as I have said before, I go from their blogs to new blogs, often finding jewels along the way.

Sometimes I find trends that disturb me, one such trend in the past was obligation, sometime I have previously commented on. Today trend was comments, meant for those who visit as lurkers but never comment. It is a good thing to comment on others work, to let them know you’ve been by to visit and what you’ve found.  The whole thing started me thinking, however, and I wondered who it is I am and why I started blogging in the first place. Am I a blogger, looking for community and friendships?  Yes I have made some great friends along the way and I do love speaking with them. I appreciate their input on the things I write and with them by my side I have grown.  My other blog site is total community and I’ve found it does affect the things I post. There I am a blogger, but here, am I a blogger or dare I call myself  a writer?  There are those who would scoff at the second part and no doubt I am my biggest critic.   Perhaps I am both. This is my home where I test my wings and try my hand.  I let my words flow freely from me, at least as free as I can so far, and wait to see what comes next.  It seems as they grow I find myself pulled into a world all my own where I walk the story that I weave.  I hope to have the courage to weave those words on paper soon, rather than just in the mind. I hope to get through 24 hours without hitting the delete button, my personal curse. 

What does all this have to do with comments? Looking back I have no idea. Perhaps it’s the idea that I am being told what I have to do, that I must write because I am obligated to those who read my blog, or I must comment because I’m supposed to.  Understanding the value comments have had for me, I will try harder to reciprocate.  I still have no idea what one has to do with the other.  I guess I have more work to do in the world of writing.

It’s a cold January day, the type that makes you want to stay under the covers all toasty and warm. The sun is out, giving it the illusion of warmth but the body knows better. I’ve tried to lie back and journey with my “tranquil” cd’s but the mind is jumping in every direction, and I recognize the familiar feeling of emptiness that comes when I cant connect, combined with almost a desperation to make it happen.

This feeling is nothing new, having happened many times in the past. I’m trying to clear my mind of it and just listen for what I know is there and what will return as it always does. With my impatient nature this is a harrowing task. My heart is weary and yet filled with so many emotions. Connection is what I need, with the things around me, those things that hold me up and catch me when I fall. Patience and it will come.

It’s late evening and I’m waiting for the stillness of the night to sweep over my home.  There is a voice calling me to the quiet hours and the side of me long neglected.  I had almost forgotten who she was this person inside me.  Listening to everyone else and facing down the issues of everyday life leaves one little time for listening for the things that come  quietly.  Often those things come in a passing moment, or  in reflection on a day gone by, sometimes in dreams or in a quiet night sitting in the soft light of candles.  Those times are spent speaking the words deepest in my soul, hidden from the day but whispered into the night.  Tonight is such a night, the candles set, the space cleared but the spirit and soul pouring over with all that needs to be spoken.  The hours of night are my own time, mystical and free, my time to be heard and to be answered, dark yet filled with light, quiet yet filled with words. 

The world of words is a fascinating one, one I have only begun to experience in the last year. Sometimes I find it difficult to explain this place I go when I retreat into my words. I am cautious of it’s description lest I be labeled as something less than complimentary.  When words start to fill me and wrap themselves around my head, they form another world, one that I see and feel.  They call to a place where they become almost real and only then can I start to weave them into something that might make it to the page.  These are the most difficult to write as they take time to  craft and they may linger with me for some time before I can put them together.

Other times the words come in an instant, on the way to bed, out on a walk, or just sitting at a desk.  They flow through me with a passion and I am compelled to put them down. Then they are gone, whispers that float away.  It is those words that make me sit and wonder when I look back on them as if they were put there by a stranger. 

There are times when the words leave and though I may try to make them come, they will only come when they will and not at my bidding.  I’ve seen my forced efforts, the ones where I felt obligated to write and the result is scattered and lifeless.  

Last night I was very tired and while I started to drift off, those words returned, the ones that linger. I felt them coming together, forming the picture I had seen but could not craft for weeks.  I have not written them yet, but hope to do so tonight. They paint a memory, purely fiction, but one that feels so real I can feel the mist of the sea on my face as I write.

Many nights I wonder why the world of words found me now after years spent pursuing other things, a question that no doubt will never be answered.  

Nature is a painting for us

day after day

a picture of infinite beauty

if only we have eyes to see it.

John Ruskin 1819-1900

The last few days have been spent between working and just taking it easy. The energy I found earlier in the week remains at my very core, and though I find myself surrounded by the usual day to day worries and stresses of life, there is this feeling like all will be ok. 

January has come in cold, the still air of night icy but almost beautiful, if you are inside. There is still that longing for spring and summer but I have been able to find the beauty in the unavoidable winter of my part of the country.  Today things are windy, a sleet like snow blowing about, but the bitterness is gone from the air and really it’s quite pleasant outside.

Last night I sat awake in the wee hours, unable to sleep most of the night. This is nothing surprising given my work schedule of nights. Still as I watched movies, a favorite past-time  being revisited, I thought about the things that have happened in my life. I remembered the wonderful moments in the past and feel as if I can carry them forward with me as I discover where it is I need to be.  I sat and wondered once again, “who am I?” a question I will no doubt return to many times.  

I’m still hoping to right a reflection on 2007 but I find myself launched into 2008 and it seems there is no turning back. I can certainly say 2007 was a self centered time, deeply reflective but filled with uncertainty of the spirit and soul. Perhaps now I am finding some clarity, at least a bit, and while I am still reflecting, I feel the direction to my path is growing more visible. The moon and stars seem to call my name in a voice different from before, one that has made it’s way through at last.

This last year has made me stronger, filling my path with experiences and people to help test me and help me find the way.  Those little things that upset me in the past, no longer find there way in.  The doubts that have filled my heart have been replaced by a strong sense of what comes to me and what I feel.  

For now I find myself surrounded by this peaceful place, and I intend to savor it, knowing there are more things that will come my way, more uncertainties to face and more questions to answer.  It’s all a part of things I guess, as I wander down the road of life.

Sometimes magic comes to you when you least expect it, for me the quiet moments when I can kick back think about the day or let my mind wander. So it was on a quiet new years eve, when nothing special was planned except a walk out in the snow under the stars.

The night was filled with an energy I can’t explain as if a voice was calling me outside, perhaps to find something waiting. It was a strong voice, one hard to ignore and finally as evening came, I donned my winter gear and headed out, hoping to walk my “secret path” and enjoy the stillness. As we all know, the best laid plans often change. I started my walk to be greeted by the bite of January air. I had not been feeling the best and though bundled, it cut through me like a knife. I continued on a bit, thinking the energy of the walk would warm me.  As I walked I noticed the street was sheer ice under the snow and I had no desire for a repeat performance of last year and thought twice about being sprawled out injured in the dark of night. I turned for home, the voice still calling me, watching the party-goers arriving at some of the homes around me. 

My son was asleep in the chair upon my arrival home and I scooted him to bed. The strong urge to write had been with me all day and so I wandered back down to the computer and hammered out a few tangled words.  Once up in bed I settled down with a  movie and then after, donned my headphones with a thunder and rain cd, one of my favorites. As I sat there, in the quiet of the soon to be new year, I felt myself surrounded by all the energy that had earlier called me outside. It was an incredible feeling, something can’t explain to anyone who has not experienced it and  I knew at once that I was not alone. 

Those things spoken only in my heart had been heard and as I drifted away to the sound of the cd, I traveled again to those places that have escaped me for so many long days. It is still with me today and I am filled with intense beautiful emotions. There really is no way to put to a page experiences like last night, but my wish is for each of you to have such a moment, one filled with magic, love and light.