Monthly Archive

Spring is finally here,  pushing the last of the winter away in slow quiet steps. The last of the snow sits on the boulevards though some parts of the state still have heavy snow warnings on the map. The sun has been out and the birds that don’t winter here are returning.  It’s been so long since we’ve had a winter this cold and long that any sign of spring is a welcome respite.

Last night I had many plans but was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I’ve had a great many stressful things happening here and I feel like I’ve been pushing my way through daily.  Even in the midst of all of this I feel as if I have come full circle, finding my way once more to the voice of the divine.  It seems I needed time away to rediscover myself, the doubts and questions being answered.  I was hoping last night to think on it all and perhaps listen for more, but the only journeying I did was straight into a much needed sleep.

My cardinals have returned, coming to me as always during these times.  Of course, maybe it’s just coincidence and the bird feeders just need to be filled, but this seems to be the spirit of my heart captured in a small beautiful bird.  It’s as if they carry my words away and bring the words of another back to me. Now that the weather has changed I will be doing more walking, hitting the trails, the path through the meadow and the hideaways that seem to be home to all things enchanted. Here is a little something on cardinal totems I just found when searching a picture. I don’t know if this is truly what the cardinal represents to me but it nevertheless it’s interesting.

Cardinal reminds us that no matter what time of the day or year it is, there is always the opportunity to recognize the important of our life purpose.  If a Cardinal appears, it is time to pay attention to your health and well-being.  It is also a time to listen to the feminine side, the aspects of creativity and intuition.  Cardinal people are in tune to the number 12.  Twelve months or a year’s time  is very important to a Cardinal totem person.  They remind us to add “color” to our life and to remember that everything you do is important.

Sometimes silence is golden, moments where we sit and listen to the whispers of the night air, no words just thoughts drifting by under the stars. Tonight is such a night as I sit and think about the passage of time.  I wonder about what has been and what will come. I wonder about the things I have struggled for and the gifts I have been given pondering the questions that come with them.  A young girl no longer looks back at me but a woman, older but rich as a tapestry woven with the threads of life.  Tonight I will let myself drift away into the hours of night my thoughts fading into dreams where I will journey until the morning light.

When the apple tree blooms,
the moon comes often like a blossom,
paler than any of them,
shining over the tree.

It is the ghost of the summer,
the white sister of the blossoms who returns
to drop in on us,
and radiate peace with her hands
so that you shouldn’t feel too bad when the hard times come.
For the Earth itself is a blossom, she says,
on the star tree,
pale with luminous
ocean leaves.

 Rolf Jacobsen 1907-1994

Here we are, the first day of spring, the full moon and  Ostara.  This is also Good Friday for Christians.  This day carries many thoughts, different for each of us. As I was reading blogs this morning I echoed the sentiments of another. Spring has arrived, marked by new growth, the awakening of the earth from it’s winter sleep.  

While it is spring officially, there will be no moon to see tonight as our first day of spring is marked by falling snow. It is the typical snow that hails the last part of March and the air is mild. There is a quiet with snow, something I can’t describe well. I’ve always known when it arrives in the night as a hush falls over the air much like the snow blankets the earth. But enough about snow. The first of the flowers will be popping up by mid April and the green grass will be showing soon. The trees are budding and the birds are returning, the first Robin showing himself yesterday. We are all part of this awakening, the restlessness of the long winter finally rewarded with the beauty of the seasons change.

Today I’ve been doing a little spring cleaning on the blog, removing posts that no longer reflect who I am right now and posts containing anything closely resembling whining. I’m sure there will be more victims of the delete button but for now I’m trying to exercise moderation. As I continue to post I’m trying to create something new and I’m finding it’s taking a bit of time. While I’m loaded with words and ideas, finding the time and focus to bring them all together is challenging. It seems like I have one or the other but never both together.

The time spent not writing has not been wasted but filled with reflection, some of which should help me move forward. Earlier this week I spent some time thinking about what a writer is and found it means something totally different to each of us. What troubled me was those who set strict boundaries on this definition forgetting that writing comes from deep within and so how can it not be unique.

The next topic, one I thought about till the sun came up this morning, was friends. I have never had a great circle of friends. I’m a very private person in many ways. I write about some of my thoughts and experiences on this blog, and this is the most sharing I’ve ever done. There is much more hidden away deep inside. I’m lazy in friendships and I’m the first to admit this. I love people but need to devote the time it takes to nurture and sustain those relationships I value. Still I find myself drifting off into my own world, something I’ve done since I was a child. I’m fiercely independent, to a fault. Also I’m quiet at times and have been called “too sweet.” Perhaps this is why I tend to be a magnet for those who would try to change or mold me into what they feel I should be. Once they realize this will not happen(the independent thing) and they’ve “done all they can” they move on. Those I truly love will have my loyalty forever but they are few and far between,  and I’m finally learning what that is. I’ve been quick to give my heart and hand and it’s cost me. Also I find it’s easy when you are open but don’t see clearly, to get caught up in the issues of others. After you step back you realize you’ve been championing their cause, or channeling their anger.

There are days I wish I could start over now that I’m finally starting to know myself, but I can only spring forward like the seasons. Hopefully I’m smarter, less tender around the edges and can hear the things I need to hear from inside to help me on the way.

Last night I had the pleasure of watching “The Jane Austen Book Club,” based on the book by Karen Joy Fowler.  I had not heard of the movie prior to renting it, but it sounded like something I might like. It was a simple movie, no twisting turning plots, based on a book written by Karen Joy Fowler.  It revolved around a group of women and one man who start a book club. Jane Austen is the focus of their club and each month they read and discuss one of her works.  As you move through the movie you see their lives parallel the characters in the books. Often you feel yourself pulled into their little group wishing you could join in. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and it made me want to start a book club. I was reminded of how many classics were ruined for me in my youth by well meaning teachers. The books were broken down point by point with the canned interpretation of “what the author meant.” I’ve always wondered how some people come into the “know” of what authors or artists meant. I think a work or art or a book is meant to be appreciated and interpreted individually.  As we read each of us takes in the words and process them from our own perspective. Isn’t this what makes all of it so special? If we all saw the same thing life would be pretty boring and what would we end up talking about. Art and literature is there to make us think, to fill us with inspiration and sometimes just reminds us to feel. What we take away from this can enrich our lives in so many ways.  I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this but I felt compelled to post it. If you get a chance to watch the movie, please do.  

Today I was doing a meme on my other blog. One of the entries was to post a link to my first post there. As I went to find it I realized how many things I had posted since that time and how much has changed. Once found, I read the post and remembered the experience like it happened yesterday. I could feel my breath catch as the emotions of that day sweep over me. It could not have been more timely as last night I felt somewhat disconnected, the time when doubt becomes an unwanted companion.

Sometimes when we sit and ask for things, like I did last night, they are delivered not in the way we would always expect, but in subtle reminders that what we have found on our journey is real indeed. It may take a backseat at times to the daily trials of life, but it is there, as surely as the sunrise and sunset. As the sunsets tonight, it’s last light shining through my bedroom window, I feel the warmth of that moment with me. No doubt I will look back on that post for many years to come and remember the day when a question was answered and I was given a moment to look through the window of a life gone by.

All is still quiet as I fuss with the pages of the blog, trying to capture what I feel inside and what captivates my thoughts and words. Outside under the stars, I realized maybe it’s impossible to capture the essence of what you feel in colors and pictures, at least for me. So I shall stop for a little while, but there are no promises made. My words are still churning, filling journal pages as I work to form them into something that I hope will end up saying what is deep within.

I’ve been blog browsing tonight, between the demands of the day to day world. I’ve found new blogs rising out of the old and blogs that have gone away to seek other things. I’ve traveled the links on blogs I love often to find new treasures out there to visit again. One can travel the world in small steps by reading the hearts of others.

There has been much thought given to the concept of writing as I read what others think it should be, conflicting with one another and some quick to judge what it should not be. It seems there is a strong will to defeat one another, something I have not seen since my oldest son took up figure skating. He was tender back then, talented but quickly defeated by those who would tell him otherwise. I see that as I explore what writing means to some, the need to defeat those around them, to remind them what are are not, rather than what they are. It’s a curious thing to me, this competition among some. It seems to me we benefit from the words of others. They inspire, make us strong, keep us going and make us think. Of course somethings those who would move to discourage us, only make us move forward, opening and creating things closed inside for so long.

The moon has walked with me for many days, her light and darkness filling me and pushing me gently along a path where I have only started to journey. She steadies me when I doubt and fills me with a certainty of purpose. She is part of me as she is part of all who move with her like the tides of the ocean.

Tonight is a cold March night, hopefully the last of what has been a very long winter.  The sun was out today thankfully and the whisper of spring is on the air.  Today I drove by the lake and realized just how much I miss sitting by it even  in  winter. Alas this winter has prevented most long walks. 

I’m sitting here finding my way back to the tranquility that has walked with me despite stressful times. Today I ventured out the the grocery store, something I rarely do and wont do again for a very long time.  I prefer to leave the house for enjoyable reasons and I’ve been so long with home delivery I felt like a rat in a maze.  I’m an online girl for many of the day to day things and it’s proven most enjoyable.  I’d rather spend my time taking in all the beauty of the world, watching the sunrise and sunsets from all the places I’ve never seen.  Of course it may never come to pass, this travel I so long for.  In that case,  I’ll watch the world from my deck savoring the colors and sounds of the day, the gentle hum of twilight and the soft whispers of the night.

I’ve been quiet here the past couple of days though I find myself filled with words, beginnings and endings, stories, heartfelt thoughts, almost anything. It’s as if I have so much that it’s blocking my attempts to write it down. Coupled with the day to day interruptions of life and I find that writing is almost impossible.  Still the stories and thoughts remain close and I know soon they will pour out onto the page.

I’m in this place of peace right now, as if I’m watching my life through a window.  Nothing that upset me in the past seems to matter now. It is as if I know all will be ok and just to let life be as it is. Sometimes it feels as if some change is coming but then I think perhaps it has already arrived. 

But now I’m rambling making little sense, the risk of writing ones thoughts after a night of work. There is more to come, more thoughts, perhaps after I sleep.