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Since last night I’ve been busy posting this and that, pictures and music. It seems I can’t write at the moment, the energy of the moment taking over in other ways. Today blogging has been an excuse not to do the things that need doing and I’ve welcomed that excuse. In all fairness I’ve been airing the rooms, doing laundry and vacuuming, certainly something. Now my next task is fixing my candles as I hope to enjoy Beltane eve out on my deck. The way the wind is whipping through the windows makes me wonder if we might not end up in the house.
We now have a large spider in a tank along with the two tanks of frog spawn rapidly turning to tiny tadpoles. I could do without the spider as it is too large for my comfort zone. It does make me think back to the first time I sat with my candles and a large spider was let loose to run free outside, but that’s another story.
I’ve since left this post and returned and now the day is turning to evening and there are things I have to do before the night falls. My Cardinal was here greeting me today as well as the many crows who gather in my “woods.: They are waiting with me for the twilight and what may come on this eve of May.
I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And someone called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done,
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
Yeats
karan_casey_the_song_of_wandering_aengus
Whither doest thou wander Spirit…
Over hill, over dale, thorough bush,
thorough brier, over park, over pale, thorough flood, thorough fire, I do wander everywhere, swifter than the moon’s sphere; and I serve the fairy queen, to dew her orbs upon the green. The cowslips tall her pensioners be:in their gold coats spots you see; Those be rubies, fairy favours, in those freckles live their savours: I must go seek some dewdrops here and hang a pearl in every cowslip’s ear. Farewell, thou lob of spirits; I’ll be gone Our queen and all our elves come here anon.
William Shakespeare
Some of my best ideas come to me in the wee hours of the morning. It seems the lack of sleep from working nights is very liberating and often the words just start flowing. Unfortunately with that liberating fatigue comes the mistakes that often accompany the writing. One of these days I will learn to save and go back after a good sleep, proofing what I thought was well done at the time. As I sip my first cup of coffee and proof my last post I am pink with embarrassment.
The day is gray and cool but things are slowly improving from the weekend. Sun and warmth are due here by mid week though the rains comes shortly after to once again halt my plans to walk to work. I must invest in a good umbrella and a new coat
My deck is no longer graced with the first frogs of the season. They have been released by by son only to be replaced by frog spawn being incubated in his room. He is about to have hundreds of tadpoles and his plan so far is to raise the to frogs to release back into the wild. Life is never dull with a budding naturalist a path he has followed since he was very small. This year he has a better much larger tank and hopefully this will prevent the escape of multiple frogs. Last year I came home to find them hopping here and there in the house. I wait for the tanks of caterpillars and the butterflies that follow, always something special each summer.
Here’s to a happy “fruitful” summer.
‘But I must gather knots of flowers,
And buds and garlands gay,
For I’m to be Queen o’ the May, mother,
I’m to be Queen o’ the May.’
- Alfred Lord Tennyson
When I was a little girl we would make crowns from the clover flowers, picking them and braiding them together. My aunts taught me to do this and I wonder now how old traditions from Beltane celebrations carried through the years leaving us with the flower wreath of spring, without the celebrations that were once a part of it. My flower crown from last year hangs on a hook in the next room. It is a reminder of pleasant times of last Beltane as well as friendships that have gone their own way. In all honesty I’m not the flower wreath type but somehow Beltane evokes such images, the village maid with her wreath of flowers adorning her simple garb, or perhaps the Queen o’ the May, draped in beauty and crowned with the most beautiful of flowers. Should I have a new gown to wear on May Day, perhaps I will adorn my hair with flowers, real ones this time, though store purchased. The wild violets are not yet in bloom, nor the pink flowers that line the path of my “fairy land.”
No, I think a new gown is not in the cards for now and the flower wreath with my traditional garb just wont do. I will however be wandering down my secret path, where the trees form secret hideaways and the cattails form a wall around the gateway of the open meadow. There I wait to find those things that call me whenever I go past. Perhaps they wait for Beltane to step onto the path and greet me.
It has again been one of those days when I find myself playing with colors rather than writing the words that have been spinning in my head since last night. As May Day, or Beltane approaches it is the time of fairies as our world and the “other world” are said to intertwine.
Of course, all of us have a different concept of what fairies are and we picture them differently as well. Some will automatically picture a disney created creature, sparkling with light and fluttering wings. Some see them as human in appearance and some may visualize gnome or goblin like creatures. Some describe them as tall and radiant in appearance. In some places they are described as fallen angels the chose not to take sides when God banished Lucifer, trapped on earth until God decides to take them back. It makes me wonder why it would be necessary to create an “unholy image” around sometime that supposedly didn’t exist.
Myself, I’ve never seen one but know those who say they have. Perhaps it is all just fairy tales, a creation of a past time to explain events that were unexplainable. Or perhaps someday before I leave this life I will get a glimpse of a secret world, one that may or may not walk among us.
Today I was looking at a photo someone had taken of a blackbird. For some reason this song popped into my head. I suspect it was one of those “not coincidences.” I found this video on you tube. The lyrics really hit home. The video has some great pics of the Beatles though it may make you feel ancient.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
This was on another blog, a wonderful one you may want to visit. I had the opportunity to listen to it there some days ago and I just floated away. I waited for the blog owner to post it on her WP blog, but she never did, so I’m posting it. It’s too beautiful not to share. The words and more about it are posted on the original blog as she has found a path that, I think, feels like her home.
Tonight the sky is clear, filled with stars, but I cannot find the moon. I have looked in all directions and still she eludes me, but I hear her call. The plan was to sit out for a bit under the moon and stars, something I have longed to do after a cold winter of indoor gazing. Now when I have the perfect evening it is as if she says, “come and find me.” The night air is cool and the breeze so light, perhaps I will answer her challenge, and the dog and I will go down the path on a quest to find her light.
In Medieval times a quest was seen as “an adventurous expedition undertaken to secure or achieve something” and most were met with huge obstacles, rendering them almost impossible. Great rewards came to those who conquered those obstacles and reached the end of their journey. For me the reward is just the moon shining down from the night sky, with an energy that fills me each time I look on her face.
My quest awaits me now, if I choose to answer. If not, the night is young and no doubt she will come from her hiding place and find me. Then I will float away with her in dreams. “Goodnight moonbeams everywhere.”
Today is Earth Day for 2008 at least officially. Every day should be Earth Day, as we all should take care to use resources wisely. There are many things we have changed in our household but there need to be more. It appears all the plastic we have been so ready to use is coming back to haunt us in terms not only of waste, but toxicity. Another really disturbing thing is the link being made between all the drugs we have floating around in our water. It would be lovely if it was all filtered out but it isn’t. It seems our children are paying for this in terms of increased learning disorders or at least that is the new theory. Back when Earth Day was first considered, population was a big issue. It still is though it has been pushed a bit by the wayside. We need to consider how the earth will continue to support us if we suffocate her with more and more people. I realise this is a sensitive issue but we do need to be responsible. I’m going to go sit by my lake today and thank the earth for all the beauty I’ve been given. If you have time take a look around you at what we have and see if you can’t give something back. Our world needs peace, love and tolerance. We need to get to know one another and learn to appreciate our differences. But first, we need to have a home that we can live in, because without it, nothing else matters much.
Today is just beginning for me, as I recover from a weekend of work and the aftermath of several teenage boys who descended upon my home yesterday for a birthday get together. I had forgotten how loud they can be but they were very polite. It was fun to listen to their voices, boys on the path to becoming men. I remember the little blond boy who fit in the bend of my arm. He now towers over me, my arms barely reaching around his shoulders.
It is a glorious day, warm and sunny a welcome change from the clouds of the past few days. I finally saw the moon last night, pearly white, wrapped in a dress of hazy fog. I went from window to window at work, until I was able to get a look. Tonight the rain comes and I will no doubt miss the beauty again. No matter, I think, as the light of the moon seems to find me no matter how covered she is. She seems to be filling me with her illumination these days, as a new side of me awakens. I scarcely know myself at times. There is a fire burning in me and my responses to some things are growing impassioned, if that is the correct word. The assertiveness that has so long eluded me seems to be pushing out from someplace deep inside and I find myself looking at things I have said and listening to myself with surprise. I am still figuring out what to do with this person and eventually I will be able to temper my reactions as I blend her into the colors that make up who I am.
Still I think I have reached a crossroad and I will never tolerate things that have so easily slipped by me before. I found myself remembering people from past jobs and past years, people I allowed to speak to me in such a way that was totally unacceptable. I don’t know why this incident comes to mind but I was at work and a monitor we were using was malfunctioning. The nurse who was in charge at the time cornered me in the room and began insisting that I had done something to cause it. She went on and on in an accusatory tone, totally out of line. I can see her face vividly and wonder now, why I didn’t face her down and tell her to step off. It seems there are people who have to be “dealt with” before they will treat you respectfully, a concept I will never understand. I suppose there will be more people who pop up like this to be dealt with and then calmly dismissed. Perhaps it is time to break out my journal and write things down.
If the rain is delayed I will be out on my deck tonight, wrapped in a blanket under the moon and stars. It is time for me to walk with them again as I awaken to this new side of me.
I found this meme while exploring blogs this afternoon. It looked interesting and and started me thinking so I’m posting it here.
Astrological Sign?
Sagittarius
Chinese Astrological Sign?
Dragon
What are you currently setting your intention on or praying for?
Inner Peace
Who do you pray to?
I call upon the divine and the elements of the earth, though I don’t know that I call it praying.
Do you believe God created humans or humans evolved from primordial goo?
Don’t know
What is your mantra?
Can’t comment on this yet.
Do you believe in Sin?
The concept of sin is based in guilt and shame and I have issues with that. There is right and wrong and though this can be relative to culture and individual interpretation, there are basic concepts of this that cross all cultures. Now that I look back on this, I guess I really didn’t answer the question.
Do you believe in Evil?
Absolutely though not in the form of “The Devil“
What do you do when you see 11:11?
Ok, I see time.
Do you believe in Angels?
yes
Do you believe in God? If so, what does God look like to you?
I believe in the divine and the elements of the earth. I believe in a strong presence that surrounds us. I’ve seen some visuals during “journeys” I have taken.
Is there an aspect of your religion/belief that you haven’t made up your mind about?
I’m still carving out a path. While I don’t know that I would call it religious, it is my own.
Is there a religion that you don’t follow, but deeply respect or admire?
Hinduism is very fascinating and I have someone who sends me many links about the holidays and beliefs. I would like to take the time to learn more about it and other religions as well. Ah elusive time. I find religion in general very interesting but prefer to follow my own path.
Who has inspired you the most on your spiritual path?
There have been many who have journeyed with me on part of the path but I can’t really name one person who has inspired me above any other. Perhaps I’m not there yet.
In your opinion, what is the worst mistake we make, as a species?
Choosing lazy lifestyles that ruin the environment and letting power, greed and fear have the loudest voice. I guess that’s two mistakes.
What is something you would like to believe, but don’t?
I’m not sure about this one.
Do you believe in soul mates?
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
Reincarnation or heaven?
Reincarnation
Best “ah ha!” moment/epiphany?
Realising why I have kids who like to write and are immenstly better at it than I ever will be. This might not be the biggest moment but it’s the one that comes to mind.
Required spiritual reading?
Since I can’t name any required reading I suppose I need to read more.
If you could pick, in your final moments, what would your last words be?
Who can say about this? It depends on the moment, who you are with and so forth. What goes through your mind at a time like that could surprise you.
Advice for a lost soul?
Keep listening for the voice from within.
A song that encapsulates your beliefs?
I can’t think of one right now but I’ll work on it.
Over the past few days I’ve opened and deleted two more blogs. I had come very close to moving this site elsewhere for design capabilities but somehow it didn’t feel home even with my best efforts. The new site is coming along slowly, the words unfortunately not available on demand. I’ve redesigned it about seven times and for now decided to keep it private and just work at it slowly. My other thought is to make it a page on this site to simplify. Who knows what will happen. I’m clearly indecisive right now.
My son’s 15th birthday was yesterday. It was a quiet day unlike Sunday when a horde of kids and a Wi are expected at my house. I can still remember him wrapped up in my arm just a few hours old. How did he ever get to be 6′1″ with feet that are too big for his size 12 shoes? He is still a kid in a big boys body and likes being with his mom. I was teary when I left for work last night as I wanted to be home with him. Clearly he was managing it better than I, as when I called home to be sure dinner was put away, I clearly interrupted whatever he was doing.
For now my world is quiet and I don’t have anything flowing to write. Be patient with me if the design of this blog is different from minute to minute. Sometimes when I can’t write this is what I do.
Today has been spent browsing blogs. I’ve been looking for more new places finding ones, that make me feel home or as if I have a connection. I’m feeling the urge to connect strongly with myself and learn more about who it is I really am and who it is I am not. The divine is calling in a strong voice now and telling me I have been away too long.
My blogroll will always be filled with all sorts of places, travel, cooking and those blogs that speak to my inner goddess, so don’t be surprised when you click on something and find recipes, or places to travel. Sometimes I get very woven into myself and forget all the people out there. This has certainly been the case in the last few weeks. Now as I journey to find out more, I will take in words and thoughts from those who have walked the road before me, those who walk the road by my side and perhaps I can leave thoughts for those who will come after.
The journey to self is a solitary one in many ways, one where we must discover ourselves free of the influences of others. I am a solitary person, one who has had just a small number of friends during my life. It is a difficult task for me to let myself open to others and really listen as I tend to get lost in my “travels.” Still I know I am enhanced by what others give me and if I can learn to listen to their words I develop a richer more complete view of the things around me. As I go forward I must remember, as I walk down the path of discovery, I cannot always travel alone.
Today was warm and sunny, with the trees swaying in the strong winds. It was the “March wind” in April, drying up the last of winter. I spent the day working in the house, the patio doors open pushing out the stale air of the last few months. Tonight the moon and stars are out and as the wind dies down, I am tempted to sit out for the first time this spring and take it all in. A blanket would be in order I am sure, but it would certainly be worth it.
Of course when I get frustrated with trying to find words, I play with the blog. Yesterday I opened two new ones, trying to choose an appropriate format for new things. I cannot tell you how many I have opened and closed in fits of indecision. Finally, just in the last hour, I took a blog that has been empty and locked, changed the look and started writing. Where it will go I am not sure. As I add to it, I will post a link here on the blogroll. This is a difficult thing for me, dipping my toes into something new. I am not sure how hard I will have to fight against myself to keep it going, as it is my nature to run and hide when I am uncertain about things, but I am pleased with the beginning. The words came, finally.
Tonight I finally got outside for a walk under the stars. It is the first time I’ve been able to walk at night without layers of clothing and it was so nice. It never ceases to amaze me how the energy of the moon seems to find a way to me.
So many years went by before I started this Journey. I still cannot imagine how I went so long with so little awareness of who I was or what I wanted. There are so many things I have found and yet I still walk through a tangled woods, finding a light here and there along the way. I sometimes wonder what could have been, but then put it away, as this leads to no end or beginning. These past few days have unleashed many emotions and I have surprised myself with unexpected outbursts. This is a new part of me surfacing, and it is difficult as I have never been one to speak out.
Pictures of apple blossoms are gracing my computer now. There is something about them that calms me and surprisingly evokes many memories. The other day I found myself traveling through the years of my life remembering the springs filled with apple blossoms that herald the coming of summer; They are beautiful but fleeting as are many of the gifts we are given.
It seems I am rambling again, it is time for bed and dreams, perhaps of sleeping under trees filled with the pink blossoms of spring.
As is always the case, I am one day off. I didn’t realise until now that today is the 13th and the day I had planned to blog about Darfur. I am not well versed in political issues and for the most part I do try to avoid them on my blog. I am no activist, it is not my nature. I am however, painfully aware of the suffering in theDarfur holds a place in my heart, something I can’t explain here and so this time I decided to participate.
I will be the first to admit I don’t know a great deal politically about the situation. What captures me is the suffering of these people. They have been unseen for so long and for my part it seems they lack value to many in this world. Why this is I don’t know but our world has far to go before all people in it are viewed as equal. This part of the world is finally gaining some attention through the media and through the efforts of celebrities with true hearts of gold. “Sand and Sorrow” is a documentary well worth watching. It is narrated and I believe produced by George Clooney who not only speaks out for Darfur but helps raise millions to help these people.
Again I am not one to speak out on the politics of the issue without doing some much needed homework first. There are many many links out there to help you and I become educated and to voice our concerns. For starters please go here and here.
Last night while sitting in bed deciding what movie to watch with my son, the scent of mens cologne became distinct while one side of the room became chilly. It’s been some time since we have experienced any activity in the house. For those who don’t believe in such things you may wish to skip this post. There were not any strong emotions noted with the presence as sometimes there are, but it was unmistakable.
As I said the activity that was so strong in our home has been absent for a time and I was so accustomed to some of it, it felt like something/someone was missing. My son has noticed an increase while on the computer, the lowest level being the strongest point for “visitors,” and they have started playing with his hair, something I frequently experienced before it all stopped. Oddly it never bothered me, but it does bother him and I’ve noticed a decrease in his online activities.
Maybe the spring, though is certainly does not resemble spring today, has awakened not only my emotions, but my senses as well, and with it the awareness of all that was always here.
Today I’m in better spirits and I find myself looking at the post I published yesterday, holding my breath and wanting to apologize for writing it. Is it any wonder I have trouble expressing the things that upset me when after I do, I want to take it all back. I’m struggling now trying not to take the post down and move on with something quiet and gentle as is the main course of this site. I have to admit I found the post badly written when revisited this morning, a consequence of blogging when emotional. That part has been fixed and for a brief moment I made it private, but on second thought decided to leave it.
I’m strugging to remember when I was taught that expressing one’s negative emotions was a bad thing, but I do remember the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” These are fine words as long as talking about what we feel doesn’t fall into that group. Sometimes what we feel isn’t nice and if we never say anything it sits with us day after day, finally surfacing in all the wrong ways. I have been “nice” my whole life and have allowed others to make me feel wrong if I deviated from niceness in any way.
I’ve not changed much, not really, but I think the days of remaining silent in the face of things that affect me greatly are over. I really need a night under my moon and stars just now, the calm and beauty that it provides and to listen for what might be coming next on my journey through this life. I certainly wasn’t expecting the turn in the road I chose yesterday.
Earlier today I was trying to respond to a political post centering around oppression. It was an excellent post but as I read it I started to get angry. I wrote my response several times and eventually had to stop as I found the need to start screaming at someone, anyone. There was nothing wrong with the post or the person who wrote it. The cause is a true and good one. What bothered me was how easy it is for us to back a cause for those far away while ignoring those in need close by. While those here at home may not be oppressed in the same way, they are struggling day by day, just to have something to feed their children. The working poor are not trendy or spiritual in any sense, but their hearts are filled with desperation just as real as the ones so far away.
Perhaps the plight of the poor we so often choose to ignore isn’t quite as desperate as some, but it seemed to me that until this problem is fixed, we really don’t stand much change of saving the world. How can we expect others to embrace the cause of another when they are cold, hungry and tired.
Tonight I am angry, as is probably apparent and my son just asked me why I was crying. Please don’t misunderstand me and my love for others. I care very much what happens to the people of the world and it is not my intent to minimize the suffering of others. Something I will never understand, however, is why some people have more value than others. It is an age old question I’m sure, as this has been a bitter truth down through history.
This is not my usual post about the moon and stars, or some beautiful mystery of the earth. The world is filled with much beauty and the moon and stars are companions to all of us, looking down on all the fills our world both good and not good. They see the people of the earth who cry out for help and those who thankfully would champion them. They also see the quiet ones who walk in need, unseen and unheard their spirits fading day by day.
Last night I finally felt some words moving again. It’s been a long dry spell, fueled by stress and tension in my day to day life. At one point I wondered if it had just come to an end and I was out of words. There was even a day I almost closed my blog. As I sit with my coffee this morning I’m still wondering about it all just a bit but I know deep down that this is not the case. The words are merely changing a bit, shifting their style, and it has been more challenging to put them together.
Perhaps the long winter just took it’s toll and now that spring has arrived everything is waking up, including me. I feel a renewed connection with things and yet I find I’m searching for myself once again. Apparently not only the words are changing but I am changing as well, in what way again I’m not quite sure.
Today I think I will take a stroll to my lake. Perhaps sitting by the water will help me find some of what I am looking for.
Tonight is a long awaited night of peace, the house all in bed except for me. The words have been flowing today forming into many things and I have been anxious to have time to write. There is tranquility about me today, one that is unexplainable but one I certainly appreciate. It has not been an easy day, however, my son and I too much alike, waging our usual battles with one another. Bedtime was better and all has been settled between us.
The ocean calls me tonight, a place where I travel so often in my mind. I can hear the waves and feel the sand under my feet. It is here that I have drifted away to places rich with colors of the past and journeyed forward to new beginnings. Water has always brought me peace and for many years I longed to live by the ocean, though I would have settled for a lake. I do live close to a lake and go there often, though not often enough. Often my journeys to the ocean carry me to other places, the deep woods, the small house I find in a clearing, or sometimes paths I cannot explain.
It is late and I need to go to my ocean and sit on the rocks watching the water move about me. Where I go from there is a mystery.
This afternoon I can feel the dark moon as she makes her way to me, her voice rising above all that has troubled me in the last few days. Immediately the words started to come last night, a most welcome feeling. It was like the spring rain that graced us ever so briefly today, washing away the last of winter and following with a rainbow for added delight.
There is a contentment with me today even in the midst of the earlier chaos, There is a feeling about me today, one of being wrapped in the embrace of love and safety. It’s something I’ve never been able to adequately explain but I feel a certain ease when I lie back, as if I am not alone and the cares of the day are heard as they pour from me to my unseen companion.
Words come now as whispers from the woodlands, enchantments and journeys from within waiting to be woven into something new. Perhaps the dark moon and her mysterious bond she has with me will help guide the way.
Today is a lovely spring day despite the snow we had yesterday. As it rapidly melts away, I’ve been opening the patio doors and letting the scent of spring fill the house. Along with this I’m doing a much needed spring cleaning.
The words have been slow lately but are still there. Some of them seem to be changing. They are taking on a new direction and as a result I’m moving with caution, building them carefully into something yet uncertain. I have been flooding with new ideas, but with that comes the need for time to bring them together.
Driving home the other morning I noticed the color sky. It has been there every day of my life but for some reason for the first time I could see all the colors that make up the dawn. As I looked at the morning sky I was amazed at all the colors that work together to make something so beautiful. I suppose this is what the painter sees when they put the paint to the canvas, or what the writer feels when weaving a beautiful story. Why now after all this time I can see it who can say. Perhaps it was something I needed at the time, a gift given like many I’ve received, to remind me of the moments that make the struggles all worth it.
Now I find myself rambling, unable to say what it is that is beneath the surface. Give me time and I will get there.
