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Today I was looking for some music from a movie I watched. It was a haunting movie, about someone who dreamt of another life. As I looked over the track titles there was the one called, “The Girl With Two Souls.”
As I sat starting at the title, I felt powerful emotions washing over me, a knowing once sitting deep inside, now captured some words on a page. The girl with two souls, living between two lives, the one she has at her side and the one she feels from the shadows. Neither life is less, both are part of her, yet one calls so strongly, like a call of wild things in the night. It weaves an enchantment around her heart and fills her spirit and soul with something she can find in nothing else.
The journey of her life is a shadow dance, moving in and out of the shadows of her realities, unable to explain what she finds there, but knowing beyond any doubt that it is real. Tonight I will walk in the shadows, calling to me the things that nourish me. Tomorrow as the sun rises I will watch the shadows move on the wall fading as the light fills the room, knowing they will always be there, waiting for me, my shadow dance.
I’ve had a quiet few days and have not been able to blog very much. Our household has been flattened by the latest bug and I’m still struggling. Sometimes it takes all the creativity out of a person when you feel like this.
Thanksgiving was quiet and uneventful, something that I appreciated given my run down state. The food was wonderful and all went well. As is usual with us over the holidays, we had some activity in our home on Thanksgiving day. I was upstairs and the dog started barking as if someone had come to visit. When I went downstairs she was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking straight ahead, her tail wagging. She stood there for some time, clearly “seeing” someone she knew. Pets are very perceptive and often they pick up things before we do.
This afternoon I was reading a post by a friend who spoke of writing and ranting. She has reached a level with her writing, one I envy. I still struggle with letting go when I write, stopping to soften edges, often deleting posts after I look back at them. We are conditioned through our lives, at least I was, starting when we are small, not to speak our minds. My conditioning carried on for years and now it’s a tough thing to unlearn. Until we learn to speak, the total creativity inside us is held back behind this invisible wall. So I will continue to work on it, but I wonder if I will ever change or if this is who I am and who I will remain after all these years.
The moon has been glorious the past couple of days and this full moon has been very peaceful but filling me with illuminations. Connections with others have been affirmed in the most surprising of ways and things seem to be coming together, at least for the moment. It’s a welcome moment of light.
Thanksgiving has come and gone though the feeling it brings is still with me. It was peaceful if not a bit understated but really it all worked out fine. It turned out to be just the four of us and it was probably for the best. I managed to turn out a nice meal but I was knocked out by the return of a cold and not worth much else.
In the spirit of the day my youngest and I took the dog for a late walk. Last year it was so nice we walked in cotton attire, an unusual twist for November. This year it was cold and still, the night sky brilliant with the full moon. It was surrounded by a halo of light and it illuminated the trails and walkways. Shining through the tall bare trees. coupled with the dusting of snow on the ground it made a picture worthy of a card.
Sometimes it’s hard to find beauty on a gray November day, but once again it was there in the snowflakes that feel softly and in the moon lighting my path as I walked through the trees toward home.
This evening I was rushing around doing my many preparations for Thanksgiving. I was cranky as I moved through each task, conquering things one by one. My daughter has been quite ill with the latest bug and so was no help, and my youngest was determined to aggravate me as much as possible, complete with locking me out of the house in bare feet.
The sweet potatoes were done, the pie baked, the living room rugs steamed and the laundry pretty much caught up. As I stood in the kitchen chopping things for the stuffing, my personal favorite, I looked out on the deck. There were snowflakes falling quietly in the early darkness of winter. With it came a peace that spread over the house, a feeling that everything would be ok. Things started to fall into place after that and I looked out like a child in wonder at the first snow of the season. I realized what precious time I had as I cooked, talking to my son about this and that, sharing some time together in the warmth of the kitchen.
It’s amazing just when I needed it so badly, that the quiet whispers of the snow found me and with each beautiful snowflake carried all that I needed to hear. I think tonight, when the house is quiet, I might pull a chair out onto the deck and wrapped in warm blankets, sit quietly if just for a moment, under this beautiful sky.
Today while sitting with my son going over the days events, there was a knock at the door. It was a neighbor boy, one I don’t know well but have seen across the street. My son went outside and they chatted for a minute and then the boy left.
He was looking for his sister who sits at my son’s table at lunch. She was due home with a friend and never showed up. The mother had no idea where she was and she and her small son were starting to panic. She had called the police per the son and had not heard a thing. The son came back to our home to get some phone numbers of friends, and through the diligent efforts of this young child, I could sense the state of the mother. It was as if I could feel her fear growing deep within me and the helplessness she was feeling at that very moment.
Kids forget, we did I know. They don’t think about the angst they cause parents. We did it to our parents I’m sure. Still our world is different now and the dangers that await much more prevalent. I have not heard if she is home again and I can only hope she strayed to a friends house and forgot to call home. I feel badly as I’m leaving for work soon. It’s dark now and if the girl is not home the mother’s fears will only grow more intense.
It amazed me how quickly my gut started to hurt after that child knocked at my door. It was as if there was a universal energy among us as mothers that made me want to charge out and find this child. When I was a child a village truly did raise a child, it wasn’t just a cool idea. Everyone looked out for us and everyone watched what we did. If we stepped out of line we answered often to more than just the parent, but we were safe. We have forgotten how to watch out for one another in this busy world. It’s time to start remembering.
Last night for the first time in some days sat up into the wee hours. I couldn’t sleep and ended up writing a bit. As I sat writing I started thinking about angels. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was the music I was listening to, perhaps the mood who knows.
I’ve been fascinated with angels since I was a little girl. They seem to walk on many paths regardless of where you may find your spirituality. Some see them as light, some as forms of energy. I’m sure are many things. For me it works to visualize them in a more classic form. It just works for me. I’m not a religious person, my spirituality coming from the earth around me, but they are a part of things for me. I would have been a terrible student of any divine path as mine is scattered with so many things. I dance to my own drummer and always have. The angels are often guardians for me called to watch over my most important mystical times. They have never failed to be there for me spreading warmth around me.
I think the angels, be they elements, spirits, or part of the energy called in a working, are all around us. Some may see them in visions, some may hear them speak in dreams, or just as a rustle on the wind. Some of them may look just like you and me walking with us through this life in subtle disguise.
I’m not sure why my mind drifted to the angels last night. Perhaps as I sat in the quiet hours of the night they were here with me.
Last night my son and I sat talking about his day. Yesterday he arrived home with his friend who lives down the hill, who had hopped his bus home. On the bus ride one of the kids pulled out a bebe gun, painted to look like a real gun, pointed it in my son’s face and said “I’m going to shoot you.” My son stood up, now twice as big as this kid, and told him if he did, he would break the gun over his head. The kid backed down and then went after Peter’s friend who is not big and who is afraid of bullies. He shot him several times with babes, thankfully, and is now suspended from school. The friend is now afraid that the bully’s friends will retaliate. My son will be the one on that bus today, not the kid who was shot and I can’t help wondering what my son will have to tell me when he arrives home.
I thought about it all this morning over my coffee. What if that had been a real gun, not just a bebe gun? My son might be gone. The bullies that we experienced when we were in school are nothing like the bullies now. These kids are vicious, both girls and boys, and have no heart or compassion. My son is intelligent and very perceptive and I have taught him how to handle them by confronting their behavior and embarrassing them. It is working so far. Fortunately my son is also very big for his age but he is not a fighter. I doubt very much if he would have followed through with this threat about breaking the gun over the kids head, but most likely he would have taken it from him.
Bullies will always be an ongoing problem. They’ve been with us since the beginning of time I suspect. The problem is becoming very serious in a culture that has become increasingly violent. Not one day goes by in school for my son without an encounter of some sort with these kids. I have taught my kids early on how you treat other people and how you don’t treat them. I have taught them what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. I have taught them to be compassionate and treat all people equally. We as parents need to take a good look at the schools and at our children. We need to take a good look at the entertainment industry and how violent it has become. I thought I’d never hear myself say these words but look at the games these kids play. What are we teaching them?
Listen to your kids. Talk to them all the time. You might find out some very interesting things. My son is in the 8th grade. The big word they all use is rape. That’s something to think about.
Today I’m sitting here trying to get the energy to conquer the house. There is so much I need to do before Thanksgiving next week. I feel like I’ve never caught this place up since I injured my knee last March. Once you get behind it’s like an uphill battle. Summer vacation took on a whole new meaning of mess as well with friends of my son tramping in and out all day long.
The holidays are once again looming in the horizon. I’d like to say I’m happy about that but it becomes a series of dinners I provide along with endless cleaning coupled with waiting on people. I love the music, the lights and the connections that come to me over these times, but the rest I could live without.
This Thanksgiving looks like one person will be joining us, so I’m going through the motions and knocking myself out for he and my son. I suppose I’d do it all glady for my son as he so loves all of this. I did too when I was younger. Now comes the task of squeezing gifts out of a budget that is barely stretching to make ends meet, another stress.
I’ve been staring at the house since 9 am this morning and so far have done nothing. I took a nap and had dreams about voting? go figure. Once long ago I used to love to entertain. Perhaps if I had more people coming it would help, someone to help and party with. It will be my son and brother parked in front of video games or standing watching me wondering when everything will be ready. My other son is not speaking to me once again. He sent me a nastygram in email some months back that was the start of round two. Unfortunately for my son I’ve reached the point in my life where I can’t endure any more abuse, no matter who is dishing it out. It’s tough enough being a single mom as the world vilifies you for everything that goes wrong with kids, but when your own kids tell you what a rotten parent you were it really hurts. I miss him and his partner who I adore. My daughter will be here with me, conveniently laid up with a migraine until the work is done. I wonder what they’d all do if I ran away over the holidays?
Listen to me whine like a little kid. I’m sure it will pass and I will find the bright spot in all of it. Right now I just want to scream. I realize this post is not my usual style and I’m sorry about that. I’m sure I’ll have something nice to post later. Maybe I’ll go for a walk to the lake amd get inspired.
The river of dreams carries me now, the river of my dreams, soothing, beautiful, sensual, filled with both day and night. It carries me along as I sleep, unaware of those who stand watching as I pass by. Do not wake me at least for a while, but let me drift away. The river opens to the sea and there I will dwell in peace and love. It is a dream, but it is my dream and all that I need is waiting as I close my eyes.
Picture courtesy of http://artyfact.blog.co.uk/
I’m on my way out the door to work in just a few minutes. I wish I wasn’t as the new moon is coming tonight after 1am. Oh the moon will still be there, no matter where I might find myself, but tonight I felt the need to just sit and commune with her a bit. The moon clearly is such a part of me, something I have affirmed the last few days. The calm and clarity that comes to me during this time is pretty amazing. I never noticed it in years gone by. I think it pays to really pay attention to the earth and all that is in it and also ourselves and what affects us from day to day.
My son was sharing a story about a classmate at school. It was a rather sad story though the whole picture is something we cannot know looking in from the outside. Still, I want to stay home and just keep my child close to me tonight, letting him know I would never abandon him. Surely there are days I’ve felt like it, haven’t we all, but I never would.
There are a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now, but that’s ok. I know eventually it will all work itself out. That’s what this moon does for me. It gives me clarity to know I can keep going and that I’m not alone. Tonight I was watching the tail end of a movie while munching my snack. As I saw the character standing on the edge of a rocky ledge wondering what to do, the scene looked down over a beautiful forest of trees and I thought “who could leave that?”
There are tough times in this life, something we all experience. Then something happens and you take a deep breath and realize the world has so much there. It calls us to be a part of it. It’s an unmistakable voice and so I’ve heard it once again.
![autumn_leaves[1]](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3104/2814725227_6e8a05f8c4_t.jpg "autumn_leaves[1]")
