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Today I was looking for some music from a movie I watched. It was a haunting movie, about someone who dreamt of another life. As I looked over the track titles there was the one called, “The Girl With Two Souls.”

As I sat starting at the title, I felt powerful emotions washing over me, a knowing once sitting deep inside, now captured some words on a page. The girl with two souls, living between two lives, the one she has at her side and the one she feels from the shadows. Neither life is less, both are part of her, yet one calls so strongly, like a call of wild things in the night. It weaves an enchantment around her heart and fills her spirit and soul with something she can find in nothing else.

The journey of her life is a shadow dance, moving in and out of the shadows of her realities, unable to explain what she finds there, but knowing beyond any doubt that it is real. Tonight I will walk in the shadows, calling to me the things that nourish me. Tomorrow as the sun rises I will watch the shadows move on the wall fading as the light fills the room, knowing they will always be there, waiting for me, my shadow dance.

I’ve had a quiet few days and have not been able to blog very much. Our household has been flattened by the latest bug and I’m still struggling. Sometimes it takes all the creativity out of a person when you feel like this.

Thanksgiving was quiet and uneventful, something that I appreciated given my run down state. The food was wonderful and all went well. As is usual with us over the holidays, we had some activity in our home on Thanksgiving day. I was upstairs and the dog started barking as if someone had come to visit. When I went downstairs she was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking straight ahead, her tail wagging. She stood there for some time, clearly “seeing” someone she knew. Pets are very perceptive and often they pick up things before we do.

This afternoon I was reading a post by a friend who spoke of writing and ranting. She has reached a level with her writing, one I envy. I still struggle with letting go when I write, stopping to soften edges, often deleting posts after I look back at them. We are conditioned through our lives, at least I was, starting when we are small, not to speak our minds. My conditioning carried on for years and now it’s a tough thing to unlearn. Until we learn to speak, the total creativity inside us is held back behind this invisible wall. So I will continue to work on it, but I wonder if I will ever change or if this is who I am and who I will remain after all these years.

The moon has been glorious the past couple of days and this full moon has been very peaceful but filling me with illuminations. Connections with others have been affirmed in the most surprising of ways and things seem to be coming together, at least for the moment. It’s a welcome moment of light.

Thanksgiving has come and gone though the feeling it brings is still with me.  It was peaceful if not a bit understated but really it all worked out fine. It turned out to be just the four of us and it was probably for the best.  I managed to turn out a nice meal but I was knocked out by the return of a cold and not worth much else.  

In the spirit of the day my youngest and I took the dog for a late walk.  Last year it was so nice we walked in cotton attire, an unusual twist for November. This year it was cold and still, the night sky brilliant with the full moon. It was surrounded by a halo of light and it illuminated the trails and walkways.  Shining through the tall bare trees. coupled with the dusting of snow on the ground it made a picture worthy of a card. 

Sometimes it’s hard to find beauty on a gray November day, but once again it was there in the snowflakes that feel softly and in the moon lighting my path as I walked through the trees toward home. 

This evening I was rushing around doing my many preparations for Thanksgiving. I was cranky as I moved through each task, conquering things one by one. My daughter has been quite ill with the latest bug and so was no help, and my youngest was determined to aggravate me as much as possible, complete with locking me out of the house in bare feet.

The sweet potatoes were done, the pie baked, the living room rugs steamed and the laundry pretty much caught up. As I stood in the kitchen chopping things for the stuffing, my personal favorite, I looked out on the deck. There were snowflakes falling quietly in the early darkness of winter. With it came a peace that spread over the house, a feeling that everything would be ok. Things started to fall into place after that and I looked out like a child in wonder at the first snow of the season. I realized what precious time I had as I cooked, talking to my son about this and that, sharing some time together in the warmth of the kitchen.

It’s amazing just when I needed it so badly, that the quiet whispers of the snow found me and with each beautiful snowflake carried all that I needed to hear. I think tonight, when the house is quiet, I might pull a chair out onto the deck and wrapped in warm blankets, sit quietly if just for a moment, under this beautiful sky.

Today while sitting with my son going over the days events, there was a knock at the door. It was a neighbor boy, one I don’t know well but have seen across the street. My son went outside and they chatted for a minute and then the boy left.

He was looking for his sister who sits at my son’s table at lunch. She was due home with a friend and never showed up. The mother had no idea where she was and she and her small son were starting to panic.  She had called the police per the son and had not heard a thing. The son came back to our home to get some phone numbers of friends, and through the diligent efforts of this young child, I could sense the state of the mother. It was as if I could feel her fear growing deep within me and the helplessness she was feeling at that very moment.  

Kids forget, we did I know. They don’t think about the angst they cause parents. We did it to our parents I’m sure. Still our world is different now and the dangers that await much more prevalent. I have not heard if she is home again and I can only hope she strayed to a friends house and forgot to call home.  I feel badly as I’m leaving for work soon. It’s dark now and if the girl is not home the mother’s fears will only grow more intense.

It amazed me how quickly my gut started to hurt after that child knocked at my door. It was as if there was a universal energy among us as mothers that made me want to charge out and find this child. When I was a child a village truly did raise a child, it wasn’t just a cool idea.  Everyone looked out for us and everyone watched what we did. If we stepped out of line we answered often to more than just the parent, but we were safe.  We have forgotten how to watch out for one another in this busy world.  It’s time to start remembering.

Last night for the first time in some days sat up into the wee hours. I couldn’t sleep and ended up writing a bit. As I sat writing I started thinking about angels. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was the music I was listening to, perhaps the mood who knows.

I’ve been fascinated with angels since I was a little girl. They seem to walk on many paths regardless of where you may find your spirituality. Some see them as light, some as forms of energy. I’m sure are many things. For me it works to visualize them in a more classic form. It just works for me. I’m not a religious person, my spirituality coming from the earth around me, but they are a part of things for me. I would have been a terrible student of any divine path as mine is scattered with so many things. I dance to my own drummer and always have. The angels are often guardians for me called to watch over my most important mystical times. They have never failed to be there for me spreading warmth around me.

I think the angels, be they elements, spirits, or part of the energy called in a working, are all around us. Some may see them in visions, some may hear them speak in dreams, or just as a rustle on the wind. Some of them may look just like you and me walking with us through this life in subtle disguise.

I’m not sure why my mind drifted to the angels last night. Perhaps as I sat in the quiet hours of the night they were here with me.

Last night my son and I sat talking about his day.  Yesterday he arrived home with his friend who lives down the hill, who had hopped his bus home. On the bus ride one of the kids pulled out a bebe gun, painted to look like a real gun, pointed it in my son’s face and said “I’m going to shoot you.”  My son stood up, now twice as big as this kid, and told him if he did, he would break the gun over his head. The kid backed down and then went after Peter’s friend who is not big and who is afraid of bullies. He shot him several times with babes, thankfully, and is now suspended from school. The friend is now afraid that the bully’s friends will retaliate.  My son will be the one on that bus today, not the kid who was shot and I can’t help wondering what my son will have to tell me when he arrives home.

Bullies will always be an ongoing problem. They’ve been with us since the beginning of time I suspect. The problem is becoming very serious in a culture that has become increasingly violent.  Not one day goes by in school for my son without an encounter of some sort with these kids.  I have taught my kids early on how you treat other people and how you don’t treat them. I have taught them what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. I have taught them to be compassionate and treat all people equally.  We as parents need to take a good look at the schools and at our children.  We need to take a good look at the entertainment industry and how violent it has become. I thought I’d never hear myself say these words but look at the games these kids play.  What are we teaching them?

Listen to your kids. Talk to them all the time. You might find out some very interesting things.  My son is in the 8th grade. The big word they all use is rape.  That’s something to think about.

Today I’m sitting here trying to get the energy to conquer the house. There is so much I need to do before Thanksgiving next week. I feel like I’ve never caught this place up since I injured my knee last March. Once you get behind it’s like an uphill battle. Summer vacation took on a whole new meaning of mess as well with friends of my son tramping in and out all day long.

The holidays are once again looming in the horizon. I’d like to say I’m happy about that but it becomes a series of dinners I provide along with endless cleaning coupled with waiting on people. I love the music, the lights and the connections that come to me over these times, but the rest I could live without.

This Thanksgiving looks like one person will be joining us, so I’m going through the motions and knocking myself out for he and my son. I suppose I’d do it all glady for my son as he so loves all of this. I did too when I was younger. Now comes the task of squeezing gifts out of a budget that is barely stretching to make ends meet, another stress.

I’ve been staring at the house since 9 am this morning and so far have done nothing. I took a nap and had dreams about voting? go figure. Once long ago I used to love to entertain. Perhaps if I had more people coming it would help, someone to help and party with. It will be my son and brother parked in front of video games or standing watching me wondering when everything will be ready. My other son is not speaking to me once again. He sent me a nastygram in email some months back that was the start of round two. Unfortunately for my son I’ve reached the point in my life where I can’t endure any more abuse, no matter who is dishing it out. It’s tough enough being a single mom as the world vilifies you for everything that goes wrong with kids, but when your own kids tell you what a rotten parent you were it really hurts. I miss him and his partner who I adore. My daughter will be here with me, conveniently laid up with a migraine until the work is done. I wonder what they’d all do if I ran away over the holidays?

Listen to me whine like a little kid. I’m sure it will pass and I will find the bright spot in all of it. Right now I just want to scream. I realize this post is not my usual style and I’m sorry about that. I’m sure I’ll have something nice to post later. Maybe I’ll go for a walk to the lake amd get inspired.

The river of dreams carries me now, the river of my dreams, soothing, beautiful, sensual, filled with both day and night. It carries me along as I sleep, unaware of those who stand watching as I pass by. Do not wake me at least for a while, but let me drift away. The river opens to the sea and there I will dwell in peace and love. It is a dream, but it is my dream and all that I need is waiting as I close my eyes.

Picture courtesy of http://artyfact.blog.co.uk/

I’m on my way out the door to work in just a few minutes.  I wish I wasn’t as the new moon is coming tonight after 1am.  Oh the moon will still be there, no matter where I might find myself, but tonight I felt the need to just sit and commune with her a bit. The moon clearly is such a part of me, something I have affirmed the last few days. The calm and clarity that comes to me during this time is pretty amazing.  I never noticed it in years gone by. I think it pays to really pay attention to the earth and all that is in it and also ourselves and what affects us from day to day.  

My son was sharing a story about a classmate at school. It was a rather sad story though the whole picture is something we cannot know looking in from the outside. Still, I want to stay home and just keep my child close to me tonight, letting him know I would never abandon him. Surely there are days I’ve felt like it, haven’t we all, but I never would. 

There are a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now, but that’s ok. I know eventually it will all work itself out. That’s what this moon does for me. It gives me clarity to know I can keep going and that I’m not alone.  Tonight I was watching the tail end of a movie while munching my snack. As I saw the character standing on the edge of a rocky ledge wondering what to do, the scene looked down over a beautiful forest of trees and I thought “who could leave that?” 

There are tough times in this life, something we all experience.  Then something happens and you take a deep breath and realize the world has so much there.  It calls us to be a part of it.  It’s an unmistakable voice and so I’ve heard it once again.

Today is a typical November day. The north winds blow, moving the trees in rhythm and pulling at the last of the leaves that hang on to the branches.  We had our first snowflakes today. I’ve lived with snow my whole life and while my fascination with it has dwindled over the years,, there is still something magical about those first sparkles of snow. I remember as a child the excitement at seeing the snowfall and rushing to get outside.  Now I’d rather stay wrapped up and cozy with a cup of tea.  

I’m looking out over my lower deck knowing I need to fill the feeders and put corn out for my many visitors.  They need our care in the coming months and they reward us with their beauty and in some cases just their silly antics.  We are fortunate where we live to have all the wondrous wildlife.  It’s like living country even though we are just outside of the city.  

Today it’s the serenade of the leaf blowers so I’ve had marginal sleep. Still I’m thankful it’s them doing it on this windy day and not me.  As they pile the leaves it’s as if the last of the color disappears from the landscape, leaving behind the grey backdrop of  winter, so quiet yet so magical. It almost whispers of something soon to come. 

Today I find myself turning inward.  It is a place of longing, a place I only want to share with one person. The need for closeness is strong, the need for intimacy, a place in me that has gone untended for so long. 

It’s a place I can’t wrap the words around and so I wont try. Perhaps another day I will tackle the topic of intimacy, a much misunderstood word. I’m lost in my thoughts of another today and wish I could open the door and find him waiting. 

The coming of Halloween on Wednesday is already at work. This morning as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt myself move into a different space,  one those of you who meditate are probably familiar with. I had vivid impressions of my mother and I am certain she was here. I talked to her for a short time, though I was very tired and then things faded away and I was back in my usual time to sleep state. I had turbulent dreams all day and I’m still tired even though I slept until mid afternoon. It’s my last night of work for the week, and I’m looking forward to my days off.

We have another beautiful day here with blue skies and its sweater weather at worst. The crows have been calling again from the trees by the house. They seem to gather here when the energy around me is high or when I am in need. It was something I first noticed last year when they followed me as I walked the trail to the lake. I know how “Hitchcock” that must sound but it wasn’t. They sat in the trees above me as I sat by my lake struggling with doubts that day. They don’t always come around but when they do they are a noisy bunch. Right now it’s as if they sense the energy that is in the air.

My energy has not been so high and I’ve had a terrible time getting back to my walks and workouts. I don’t know why this has become such a task and it frustrates me. I know I’ve been too long away from nature and I need to find a way to get back to it for the sake of both my body and soul. I’ve been blessed with beautiful days to start these efforts. Perhaps the crows are calling me like winged guardians, telling me to come out and play once again. Now I just need to answer.

It’s been a chaotic non productive day, one of those days that makes going to work almost pleasurable just to escape the conflict going back and forth in the house.  This time of year coupled with the moon has thrown everyone here into a state. We are not alone in this. As I talk to friends they find themselves swimming in a place where they are transforming and where things are being thrust in the the strong illumination of this moon.

The poetic tones of my writing are lost on a day such as today.  I’ve just sent my son out the door to a Halloween dance at school.  From his arrival home from school to his departure just minutes ago, he’s worked at antagonizing me, a behavior he cultivated as a small child but one that is rarely seen now.  This week has not been a good one between us. The chaos in the air has put us at each others throats. Each peaceful moment we have found has been followed by many more that are not peaceful.  My daughter and I have also been at odds, a storm that has been brewing,  fueled by my needing her to take charge of her life, and a need to move on with mine.  

These are the days that make me want to run as fast as I can, leaving everything that surrounds me behind. I’m sure this is not something unique to me and I know in some ways it will settle by morning.  Still, the woman who once walked inside me is gone, her needs and wants no longer a part of me.  It is almost as if I woke one day to find myself in a strangers life one that I no longer remember.  It’s not quite that dramatic and I will stay to nurture those who need me, at least for a while longer. One day however, I know I will leave on a journey, not just one of the soul, but one that will lead me to all the things that call the woman I am becoming.

Last night I sat up with the moon. It’s brilliance in the night sky was dazzling and, in fact, it still shines in the early morning sky as my son leaves for school. It is almost white like a luminous orb.  Last night it was a light on the path as I went for a late walk with the dog. As I walked along enjoying the October evening, I almost ventured on to the secret path through the meadow, wondering what I might find there dancing under the moonbeams. There is a certain mystery to that place at night, one that often calls to me as if I might be a part of what waits there.

After the house was quiet, I sat with the energy of the moon, talking from my heart about this and about that, thanking those forces that walk with me for all the things I have found this year. I sent blessings by the light of the moon to those that walk in spirit by my side. As I sat within my space, I wondered at all the moons that have passed by me in my life unnoticed. I wondered about the seasons and why since I was a young girl they have filled me with such wonder. That wonder was lost for a while, as was I, and only now have I come to notice each season again, and the beauty that it brings. With this has come a new awareness of the changes in myself that come with each of those seasons. As the wheel turns with the earth, so it turns within me as well.

There is a part of me that waits to be found in a place across the ocean, a place where I hope to travel soon. It would have been over the full moon had I gone this time and I wonder what illuminations that moon would have brought my way. Still as I sat here last night I remembered, we all sit under the same moon and stars and perhaps those things I seek will find me wherever I may be.

Today is a beautiful fall day, slightly cool with a few trees of golden and red still remaining, set against the backdrop of the blue sky. Still there is a sense of unrest that hangs in the air, one that has walked by my side for several days now. Perhaps it is the energy of the full moon coupled with the arrival of Samhain. Perhaps it is the departure of my good neighbor, watching the van load up the last of their possessions. It seems as if this is a time of separation, one of moving things out of our lives. That is appropriate I suppose with the arrival of the full moon. The new moon moves with me, we are in sync and I feel a mystical energy during that time. The full moon illuminates all that is around me, bringing its energy to me in an almost jolting force at times.

This is a time of separation it seems.  Things around me are leaving and departure from the familiar always rocks my world at least for a while. My friend who has been blogging with me since May is closing her blogs to pursue her writing. She is a good writer and I support her in all her efforts. I’m just hoping I don’t lose touch with her as she has become part of that familiar landscape for me.

Today I have spent some time catching up with blogs here.  There are great blogs out there many I’m sure that I have yet to find. My focus here is to write and I am guilty of not always visiting others as often as I should. Once there I find treasures that amaze me. As I move forward and embrace new ideas, I may not meet the needs of some who have been readers in the past.  When you take chances you risk losing some along the way. It appears I have done this already, again more separation. Still life is about risk and chance. Without it we never move forward and we may miss some of life’s most glorious experiences. 

 Even with the unrest and slight sadness that fills me this day, you will find me out under the moon. She calls to me and I am drawn to her beauty and light.  As I sit under the moon and stars on this quiet October night, I will wonder how something so strong can be so beautiful.  

It’s been a struggle to write the past few days. There have been many things on my mind but I’ve been unable to put them to words.  Between work and the usual things on the home-front I’ve found myself pretty consumed.

Periodically I hit these snags on the road where I feel like I’m out there dangling with no idea who I am or where I’m going. That’s where I am again. Now that I’ve struggled with this feeling several times it seems it’s a bit easier to tolerate,  and also it seems to signal another turn or step forward in my quest to figure out who this person is that walks inside me.

Currently I’m a bit preoccupied with thoughts of a blogging venture that may or may not get off the ground. The other day I wrote a post presenting the idea of taking a moment top write our fellow man.  There are so many people in this world, many who are not as fortunate as us. Some seem to gain public attention while others do not.  We do not all have the same value on this earth and this is something that bothers me a great deal. In fact as I look around at a culture based increasingly on the “bottom line” it seems the value of people is becoming less and less important.  I suppose this is why, if I could have my ideal job, I would wander the world writing about its people, especially those who need to be seen.

If we can write about our environment surely we can take a moment to write about those who walk this world with us with the same hopes and dreams, but without the voice to help realize them.  I know there are many who already do this on an individual basis on political and social blogs.  My purpose when I began blogging was not to venture into the greater world.  There are those better equipped to write about such things.  This blog was to be my place and my journey. Perhaps this is just another turn on that road.  I’ll keep you posted.

Its funny how things come up letting you know you haven’t quite worked through things as well as you thought. Yesterday as I read through blogs on my community site, there was yet another post from a member highlighting personal and sensitive information about her son’s girlfriend. I told myself to walk away, as I knew the post would upset me as the previous ones had. As it turns out I didn’t walk away but responded as calmly as I could.

We can’t change others, nor can we control what they post. I kept telling myself that yesterday as I read her continued saga. It seems her son and his girlfriend of four months found out they were pregnant. Both are very young, twenty and twenty two, and the girlfriend has chosen not to continue the pregnancy. The son fueled by his mother, who wants to be a grandmother, decided he wanted this baby. That’s a lovely thought but this is a boy too immature to stand by the girlfriend in her time of need. He told his mother he didn’t know if he could love her anymore, and he took this private, sensitive information spreading it to every family member he could think of. His mother stood behind him in all of this, and in fact, pushed him to guilt this girl and makes a bad situation even more difficult for her. While I knew there was nothing I could do, I found myself unable to sit quietly by and watch her splatter the blog with something that should not have been her business in the first place. She was not happy with my comments though they were not even close to what I wanted to say. She felt I was personalizing it and she was right.

Fifteen years ago I walked the road this girl is on and it was a terrible journey, one that almost swallowed me. This is something I have never shared with another soul on this earth save two. One was the girl who drove me to the clinic and the other was the father. I still remember the clinic, the room, the people in that room and every detail of the experience. I had no support of any kind and when I came home, the father, who was a grown man, called me to see if it was done. When I told him it was done his response was “great!” He then chose to ignore me for the remainder of the weekend, leaving me alone to deal with the emotions of the situation.

As I read the details of this girl and know what she faces, it brought it all back to me. While I should probably step away from that blog, I feel I have to be there for her, at least in a far off way. This part of my past has faded to a little place deep inside of me. It’s something that will never be completely gone from my heart, but for the first time I’m able to talk about it outside the pages of a private journal and that’s another step forward on my journey.

Some days I spend time just browsing through the sites on my blogroll, and while visiting their sites, I look at their blogrolls as well. Often that’s the way I discover some of the wonderful sites out there. As I read the entries of some of these amazing writers, I become painfully aware of how new this is to me, this writing thing, and how much I need to grow.

I’ve spent the afternoon looking at courses in writing, not because of the other blogs, but because I just got the urge. We have several colleges in our area and a large university. I can’t believe I’m looking at anything to do with school, but was reminded of the prediction made many years ago, by a teacher, that I would go back to school. I’ve been working so hard trying to write, stumbling along by myself. It’s so like me, trying to do it all by myself. Now I think I need more and it’s time to move forward. I need to play around and discover what road my words need to follow. I’m not sure fiction is the way and there are many other roads. At one time I felt nursing school had cured me of any wish to ever revisit the world of academics, so I guess the urge to return is pretty strong.

No one can give us that need to write that comes from within, nor can they fill us with the words that grow there. They can however, help us unlock the doors so those needs can be met, and our words can find a place to be remembered.

This morning I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to decide what to write. I don’t know why this is such an issue as there are many thoughts spinning around in my head. There are so many things I want to write about, maybe that is the problem, not being able to sort them out.

Here we are the new moon again, time moving past quickly. The energy of this time is joining with the energy of the season.  As Halloween or Samhain approaches, those things that sometimes wander into my world are likely to become ever more present. Last year at this time, all of this was very new to me. I had no idea what was happening to me, nor did I expect any “visitors.” Channeling started with someone far away, someone I knew only in a way I can’t explain, and with whom I felt an immediate bond as if we’d known one another before. That bond has grown stronger and that channeling more intense. Energy became a concept outside of a book, one I could not grasp until it grasped me, and one I have had to work hard to control.  Early on I learned what negative energy felt like, long before I had the resources to deal with it.  I started to feel the presence of others with me on occasion, most times the one mentioned earlier. Sometimes it was an unidentified presence, last Halloween the presence of a departed relative. That was a moving visit, one where I again did not see, but felt a strong sorrow fill the room.  It was not my sorrow but his, and to this day I wonder why he chose me and what he was trying to say. Most importantly, what I looked for in books and the answers I sought from others, I found deep within.  I’m still looking for some of them.  Now when I ask for guidance I ask for the divine from within to grow stronger.

One year has come and gone and I find myself no surer of where my path will lead than I was then.  What I am sure of is what is real and what has come to me. I feel there must be a reason for all this, destiny if you will.  It’s not something I can bring up over a coffee to be sure and so I guard it carefully in my personal life.  This is not always an easy path as I discover who I am, perhaps who I’ve always been.  It’s a bit like chipping away at a large rock trying to get to what is waiting inside.  I’m getting closer as I see first of that jewel sparkling in the moonlight. 

The other morning I was on my way home from work. It was dark as it is these mornings, and I was ready for my bed. Sometimes it seems, when I get that tired, my mind seems to clear of all things and messages, or revelations come to me.

This particular revelation was about part of my past, and that morning those last memories would fade away like an old picture left too long in the sun. As I drove along, I thought of how I am now, and how strong the love is that fills me, the capacity for intimacy almost endless. Then it struck me, how new this all is to me. I’ve never been in this place before. I was capable of love but only with my children and I had no capacity whatsoever for intimacy with anyone. It was hard for me to sit and think about it, as I came from relationships filled with a good deal of coldness and cruelty. At the same time, however, I realized how lonely my partners must have been as I shut them out of every part of myself. I don’t blame myself, nor do I blame them for the things that have passed by me during those times. There is a feeling of great peace, as if none of it matters any longer.

Another small part of my journey is complete, something falling away, opening the door for me to move forward. Perhaps this is why I have found my “twin flame” in this life, so I might heal the woman that once was, and realize the woman that was meant to be.