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Last night I was talking with a fellow blogger. I had not been to her blog for some days. She keeps a small flist as she prefers her independence. I respect that and she knows I will pop in and out to see what she has written. Some days I don’t quite get it, but other times when I read her it’s like an understanding that passes between us, despite the differences we may have. Yesterday was such a day. Her entry talked about people coming and going out of our lives, something I’ve experienced quite a bit lately. It talked about this being ok and that she could function without them, if they chose to go.
I started thinking about it and realized she was right. It is good to have people around for support, but some people are only on our paths for a short time. Maybe some of them will slow us on our path, at least for a while. As we talked I began to see, they are not holding us back, they are helping us see what we can do, by pushing through what they say we can’t. It’s the “opportunity to strengthen our convictions and to move forward.” These people are sent to us perhaps, to help us see.
These people walk in and out of our lives, on and off our path. I have been tested in the past few months, many times. My beliefs and convictions have shifted, forming into a much clearer vision of who it is I might be. There are other beliefs that have stood the test and it has made me see now more than ever, that what I have experienced in these last months is very real.
In all honesty, I don’t care to think of life as one big lesson and everyone in it as a teacher. When I look at it this way, life loses it’s beauty and I wonder why we would continue on. I think it is important to live life and let ourselves love. Only then can we move forward. I have been told in so many words that it was my lot to do without in this life, that I must let go of things that will only walk out of my life. Now that I look back, I wonder that someone would say that to another person, taking dreams and hopes and putting in their place resignation to a life unfulfilled. Where is it written that we must suffer in this life to learn.
There will no doubt be more people sent to me as I wander through this life. They will help me grow strong, shaping me, sometimes unknowingly into the person I am becoming. There will also be those who stay by my side as well, walking with me and filling my world with light.
I’ve spent the last week off work, the first time I’ve taken an actual vacation in a very long time. I wish it could have been a vacation away just myself but it is not in the cards at this moment. The week has rushed by though I still have more days coming.
After this week I am more determined to get away and travel. I know it will be a bit before this can happen, but I also have felt the effect freedom has had on my writing. As the week progressed I began to unfold, and I started writing, really writing for the first time. It was not fiction as I thought would be my direction, but more a story about me if you will. I’ve only just begun, the most recent part making it’s way out first, but I have the foundation now in my mind and I hope to start working away at more of it. Perhaps as it develops I will spin it into some sort of fiction but for now I’m not sure.
Another thing I noticed was how very tired I was. The negative energy that was filling my world away from home has apparently been taking it’s toll. Along with that has been the start of school, a schedule that screws up my sleep patterns beyond recognition. My body is up late and up early and really isn’t quite sure what it’s doing.
The new moon has been filled with emotion as yesterday it moved into Scorpio. I’ve felt those emotions in others, lots of anger and turmoil. Myself I’ve been filled more with love and tenderness, powerful positive emotions. Last night I put those emotions to play and used the power of the day to send those emotions out into the quiet of the night. They must have been much more powerful than I realized as today I feel the effects of my efforts.
The day calls me with the sun and crisp feel of autumn. I hope to walk the trail where I can always find those who walk with me in spirit. Perhaps a few wildflowers will still be there after the frost, a last trace of summer.
This morning is cool and breezy. It’s much more like early October than early September. I know there will be more warm days ahead as this is how fall goes. September has been unusually chilly but the cool air felt good at bedtime. For the first time, however, it feels like summer has passed me by too quickly. Perhaps it is the unsettled feeling that seems to come with the fall equinox.
Still the days are mine again, at least for the moment, and I hope to get back to working on things that have fallen by the wayside. One of those things is meditation. I plan to start this today. It is a skill that allows you to listen and hear things you might otherwise miss. I’ve been away from it for far too long.
My lake calls today as well, the place where I can go and speak the words deep in my heart, and my heart is full of words that need be spoken. It is my own quiet place, one that seems to hear the words as they pour from me. It is a place of peace for me, and one where I feel those who guide me walking by my side. As I sit today, speaking my heart to the wind and the water, perhaps that voice from my heart will speak to me as well.
Morning, before I sleep is the time of day when I often find myself filled with thoughts that fall easily onto the page. Perhaps it is the fatigue, setting a part of me free without care and I can just drift into the places that would otherwise escape me.
This morning was one of those times when the emotions and thoughts came together in words that poured from me onto the page. Often I look back and wonder where those words come from. It’s as if a stranger writes through me and I wake from sleep to find something they have left behind.
Sleep calls at those times but the words will not wait, for once they escape me they travel to a place never to be retrieved again. So there I sat this morning, eyes closing, writing the words as best I could, knowing I could shape them once awake. I wish I could learn to free myself and let myself fall away from the things around me more easily. It’s amazing what you can discover.
Last night I had hoped to work by the light of the moon. Unfortunately it was under the clouds. Still the energy that came with the full moon and the energy following the eclipse was still present.
Earlier in the day I had prepared those things I was to work with and I had hoped to do some gentle workings more in the area of affirmations than anything else. As I sat here last night firing off an email in response to a post elsewhere, I took notice of my one cat sitting in the utility room. She had been there the previous night as well. My first thought was “oh no, not another wee mouse that has made it’s way inside.” She is fast and accurate and I knew if there was a mouse it was doomed. Yes I am tenderhearted and was not in the mood to witness her work. As I watched her, her gaze followed the walls and ceiling and I knew at once it could not be a mouse. As I watched I nearly jumped out of my chair as a small light flew past the doorway of the room. Now, I feel things all the time. I’ve admitted to that. I sense when things are close. Seeing things, however, is something different to get used to. Other than the white mist, I have seen nothing and have been quite content to leave it that way.
The cat proceeded to run into the main room where I was sitting and follow the wall. I did my best to remain calm and proceeded with my workings lighting the room with candles. I saw the light two more times, in the left side of the room. Who or what was here, I don’t know. It remains here today. The cats are poised by one side of the room and have been there for four hours. There is nothing menacing about it and in fact it seems rather shy. I have not seen anything since last night.
Whether this is something new that is changing with me, I can’t be sure. It would seem that my ability to perceive things is shifting. Perhaps it was just the moon and the events that took place surrounding it. If it is a shift, I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I suppose I’ll cultivate it like all things and move forward.
Tonight I’ve been watching the moon as it shines golden on a warm August night. There is not a trace of a breeze and the sounds that fill the summer seem amplified by the stillness. It has been a quite day filled with long walks and many thoughts of things that were and things that have yet to come.
As I sat and thought about things today, I realized how different I am now. That woman I was a year ago is no more. This has impacted my life greatly in different ways. The life I held as the other person no longer has the same connections for me. I could never understand how people could go away from the things they had, taking a turn on the road of life that would lead them in new directions. I now have an understanding of it, for when you change like this, nothing is ever the same again.
This last year has been terribly trying for the people close to me who had no idea what was happening. I can honestly say I almost abandoned them and only a strong sense of “this is what is right” kept me doing the things that I did. Now I find that I’m looking at my children again, almost for the first time and seeing them as the individuals that they are. The mother that they knew, she is gone, but I am wrapping the person I am now, around the life that was here.
If it was just me, I don’t know where I would be now. There are things calling me, things that I can’t ignore. Where I am supposed to be in this life, I am not sure, but it seems there is a purpose for me, one that I am just discovering. Perhaps when I travel, no I have not given that up, I will discover what it is I am looking for.
It would be wonderful if we knew all the answers, at least I think it would. Perhaps we would be given a booklet, turn to page 5, and we would be told what comes next. Instead life for me, has been a series of pushes and shoves, messages to move forward. Perhaps one day I will be writing from some far away place, wherever that might be. For now I can only sit and listen, wondering why this has all come my way.
Have you ever noticed when you’re in one of “those moods” nothing funny seems to come on the television. The last couple of days I’ve been besieged with movies that did nothing to bring a laugh or dry a tear. Some of it, of course, is summer programming, enough to make the strongest man cry. Usually when I’m in this mood, I’m blessed with Tristan and Isolde, filled with beautiful music, beautiful scenery, beautiful poetry and well..acting.
Normally, I’m not a huge television watcher. I love movies but that is about it. Last night I turned on “The Break Up” out of desperation. I figured Vince Vaughn could force a laugh from me if all else failed. The first few minutes were funny, and then it was a showcase of how vile two people could be to one another. This culminated in a failed patch up at the end, no doubt caused by too much “water under the bridge.” It felt horrible. I know I watched something else as well, as I couldn’t sleep. It must have been memorable.
Tonight I rented a movie on pay per view, desperate thing that I am. I watched “The Painted Veil.” I’d rather not spoil another movie for those who haven’t seen it. It was moving and tender and I won’t say another word. It is worth a watch if you don’t mind something not action packed. It didn’t do much to dry my tears, but at least I was left with something of love.
My heart is a bit tender right now, not because I just suffered some horrible fate in love. It just has been feeling the stress of a long couple of weeks and it needs nurturing as do I. As we go through life, many of us nurture others but so often fail to find it for ourselves. Perhaps we forget about it as we stay busy with the tasks of day to day living. It has a way of catching up to us, reminding us that we must all make sure our heart and souls are nurtured. Without it we walk through life with a silent heartbeat.
This afternoon I found these words on a friends blog. These are good words to remember and much of what I found myself doing over the past year. There are still many things I need to get through, but then, don’t we all.
“What you bring forth out of yourself from the
inside will save you. What you do not bring forth
out of yourself from the inside will destroy you.”
– Gospel of Thomas
Today is a much better day. The administrators at the other blog site are watching my tormentor closely. He/she/whomever became more civil briefly with a benign post, only to ad more nasty verbiage to their profile this morning. It was put there to provoke me no doubt, but will not get the desired response. All comments are closed to their blog, in the true spirit of cowardice.
It’s all very amusing now if not a bit pathetic. My legs are back under me once again, and I am no longer shaken by these attempts to unnerve me. I will admit, yesterday, it left me reeling. I sat and explored this at length with myself last night and if nothing else this person helped me to realize that there are things still bothering me, things from my past I thought I had moved beyond. Why else would this have bothered me so. Even nasty people can help you along your path it seems.
My past contains a long history of emotional abuse especially at the hands of men. I do not hate men, so don’t expect a man hating rant. There are a great many delightful men in this world. I just chose badly. However, when this person, in the guise of a man, started in on me and invalidated all of my feelings it really hit me hard. I realized not only did I feel bad, but before the day was out, I had given him all the power and backed down into my little shell of hurt. Fortunately before the night was over I came back out stronger for my experience and thankful that I was able to look within and grow from what was an unpleasant experience.
Today is brighter and more beautiful. This person is fast shriveling in their little world of hate. Without an audience or a victim, where can they go but down.
Today I walked to the lake with my son and the dog. We’ve been making a habit of it lately, since his friend has been out of town. It’s good to have the time together and the dog is relishing the outings. It was very still and peaceful today, the water almost like glass except for the ripple from the gentle breeze. There were strong storms last night and they cut the power to the beach, so the usual visitors that crowd the lake on a warm summer’s day were absent.
As we walked the path to the lake I could see the first of the leaves falling and the occasional burst of red from the sumac, already starting to change. The end of summer approaches and fall is right around the corner. I love fall, it’s my favorite season, with the brilliant colors, warm days and cool nights. There is something about it that has always felt just right to me. Still the summer has gone so fast it seems. There are many more warm days to be had and I plan on enjoying each one. The time spent with my son, who at fourteen still likes to be seen with his mom, is something that will be a good memory.
It seems, especially when we are busy, that time passes by us almost in the blink of an eye. As I get older I know now what my parents meant. It seems I notice the change of season with a new awareness, each day marking a time in my life that will never return, but a time moving forward that is yet to be discovered.
It doesn’t make me sad, this passage of time, as I have been fortunate, at least in the past year, to find so many things I was missing. To me this life is turning into quite an adventure bringing a past together with the present, one that will perhaps follow me when I move on. Who knows what comes with each day, if we knew, that bad ones might make us give up. What then would we miss but the people and things waiting to find us on the journey through this thing called life.
![autumn_leaves[1]](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3104/2814725227_6e8a05f8c4_t.jpg "autumn_leaves[1]")
