Changes

This is one of those nights where I wish I could just be wrapped up someplace warm and secure. I need to pour my heart out to someone and just get the mind and heart less full. I’m a very private person in many ways and have always had difficulty sharing the very deepest parts of myself with anyone. Those close to me find out little bits and pieces along the way but it takes something really safe for me to dig deeper, to really let go.

Tonight I wish I had a friend over and we could just sit and talk into the night. Actually I know who I’d like to have here, as he makes me feel safe, something no one in my life has ever been able to do. My mind is so full of thoughts that need to be shared.

Today I spoke with my brother. He lives close by and we have always lived in the same city. He was talking about moving to a new place and then it came up. He was thinking about moving to Las Vegas. I almost dropped the phone. So many times I’ve wanted to relocate, but something always held me. First it was a marriage, then parents, who told me it “would kill them” if I moved. I have vowed never to do that to my children. I stayed and raised kids, always wondering about the places I wanted to be, but they had good years with my parents and I don’t regret that at all. After my parents were gone, I thought, “well, we are the only family my brother has, we can’t leave him all alone.” He has no children and has never been married.

So here I am, wondering if my only sibling leaves, what that will be like. My youngest will be a bit crushed as he cares for him a great deal. My brother is older and I wonder, if he moves across the country, how many times I will see him again. I’m struggling with that tonight, feeling a bit teary. Still, on the other hand I’m wondering if this is all part of the plan. Is he supposed to leave, the last thing holding me back.

My spirit and soul have wanted to be elsewhere for a very long time. I don’t know what will become of it, except for a journey that starts in a few short months. Perhaps this is just one of those things and I am just being emotional and very dramatic tonight, but perhaps it is another part of the story, one that is still being written.

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