Pondering

Tonight I’ve been watching the moon as it shines golden on a warm August night. There is not a trace of a breeze and the sounds that fill the summer seem amplified by the stillness. It has been a quite day filled with long walks and many thoughts of things that were and things that have yet to come.

As I sat and thought about things today, I realized how different I am now. That woman I was a year ago is no more. This has impacted my life greatly in different ways. The life I held as the other person no longer has the same connections for me. I could never understand how people could go away from the things they had, taking a turn on the road of life that would lead them in new directions. I now have an understanding of it, for when you change like this, nothing is ever the same again.

This last year has been terribly trying for the people close to me who had no idea what was happening. I can honestly say I almost abandoned them and only a strong sense of “this is what is right” kept me doing the things that I did. Now I find that I’m looking at my children again, almost for the first time and seeing them as the individuals that they are. The mother that they knew, she is gone, but I am wrapping the person I am now, around the life that was here.

If it was just me, I don’t know where I would be now. There are things calling me, things that I can’t ignore. Where I am supposed to be in this life, I am not sure, but it seems there is a purpose for me,  one that I am just discovering. Perhaps when I travel, no I have not given that up, I will discover what it is I am looking for.

It would be wonderful if we knew all the answers, at least I think it would. Perhaps we would be given a booklet, turn to page 5, and we would be told what comes next. Instead life for me, has been a series of pushes and shoves, messages to move forward. Perhaps one day I will be writing from some far away place, wherever that might be. For now I can only sit and listen, wondering why this has all come my way.

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One thought on “Pondering

  1. A few years ago there was commercial with Jessica Tandy and her husband that reminds me of your post. He said, ” When I met her, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff and there was no end to the drop. She told me to jump…and I was afraid. We moved closer to the edge and she said jump…I was even more afraid…then she pushed me and what do you know? I could fly.” Best wishes on your journey. 🙂

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