It’s been a full year since I started this journey down an unknown path. It’s hard to believe when I look back at where I’ve been. My path is strewn with certainties and doubt as I have stumbled along trying to discover who I am and where it is I am headed.
Last night I was up late sitting in the quiet, wondering why I was so riddled with doubt again about everything. It made me feel almost undeserving of the things that have come my way. Then this morning as I was reading on anothers blog, I realized what she said was true. “Doubt should come with any religious territory. It’s part of spiritual growth.” Doubt actually should come with all things we learn and with all growing. How else can we question and find out more, if we never doubt ourselves.
We must learn to trust while others doubt us, more good words I found today. There are always those who are ready to feed our doubts and play on our insecurities. Those things we see and experience are often difficult to share and there are those who would make us take the words and push them back inside. I’ve had difficulty with this, opening doors, and difficulty with those around me who would make me doubt myself even more.
It’s been a struggle for me to open up and let the words and emotions come alive and fall from me again. Day by day it’s an ongoing struggle as I wrestle with doubts and wonder if I should just stop talking again. At the same time there are so many words and emotions pushing to get out. The other day I shared a part of myself with a friend. It was part of my experiences that were a bit out of the ordinary. I struggled with sharing them but felt a trust with her. Afterwards, I didn’t hear from her for a few days and I panicked wondering if I had opened a side of myself to her only to push her away. She came back of course and I was relieved, but at the same time I felt a caution grow in me and I know it will be some time, if ever, before I share anything like this with her again. She has always listened to me, no matter what but I will tighten that circle of sharing for certain things.
Today I’m going to write and wrestle with this doubt thing. We all do it, so I know I’m not alone. The sureness and strength that wandered away will return to me as sure as the sun rises and sets.