Today I’ve been doing a little spring cleaning on the blog, removing posts that no longer reflect who I am right now and posts containing anything closely resembling whining. I’m sure there will be more victims of the delete button but for now I’m trying to exercise moderation. As I continue to post I’m trying to create something new and I’m finding it’s taking a bit of time. While I’m loaded with words and ideas, finding the time and focus to bring them all together is challenging. It seems like I have one or the other but never both together.
The time spent not writing has not been wasted but filled with reflection, some of which should help me move forward. Earlier this week I spent some time thinking about what a writer is and found it means something totally different to each of us. What troubled me was those who set strict boundaries on this definition forgetting that writing comes from deep within and so how can it not be unique.
The next topic, one I thought about till the sun came up this morning, was friends. I have never had a great circle of friends. I’m a very private person in many ways. I write about some of my thoughts and experiences on this blog, and this is the most sharing I’ve ever done. There is much more hidden away deep inside. I’m lazy in friendships and I’m the first to admit this. I love people but need to devote the time it takes to nurture and sustain those relationships I value. Still I find myself drifting off into my own world, something I’ve done since I was a child. I’m fiercely independent, to a fault. Also I’m quiet at times and have been called “too sweet.” Perhaps this is why I tend to be a magnet for those who would try to change or mold me into what they feel I should be. Once they realize this will not happen(the independent thing) and they’ve “done all they can” they move on. Those I truly love will have my loyalty forever but they are few and far between, and I’m finally learning what that is. I’ve been quick to give my heart and hand and it’s cost me. Also I find it’s easy when you are open but don’t see clearly, to get caught up in the issues of others. After you step back you realize you’ve been championing their cause, or channeling their anger.
There are days I wish I could start over now that I’m finally starting to know myself, but I can only spring forward like the seasons. Hopefully I’m smarter, less tender around the edges and can hear the things I need to hear from inside to help me on the way.