Today I’m in better spirits and I find myself looking at the post I published yesterday, holding my breath and wanting to apologize for writing it. Is it any wonder I have trouble expressing the things that upset me when after I do, I want to take it all back. I’m struggling now trying not to take the post down and move on with something quiet and gentle as is the main course of this site. I have to admit I found the post badly written when revisited this morning, a consequence of blogging when emotional. That part has been fixed and for a brief moment I made it private, but on second thought decided to leave it.
I’m strugging to remember when I was taught that expressing one’s negative emotions was a bad thing, but I do remember the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” These are fine words as long as talking about what we feel doesn’t fall into that group. Sometimes what we feel isn’t nice and if we never say anything it sits with us day after day, finally surfacing in all the wrong ways. I have been “nice” my whole life and have allowed others to make me feel wrong if I deviated from niceness in any way.
I’ve not changed much, not really, but I think the days of remaining silent in the face of things that affect me greatly are over. I really need a night under my moon and stars just now, the calm and beauty that it provides and to listen for what might be coming next on my journey through this life. I certainly wasn’t expecting the turn in the road I chose yesterday.