Today is just beginning for me, as I recover from a weekend of work and the aftermath of several teenage boys who descended upon my home yesterday for a birthday get together. I had forgotten how loud they can be but they were very polite. It was fun to listen to their voices, boys on the path to becoming men. I remember the little blond boy who fit in the bend of my arm. He now towers over me, my arms barely reaching around his shoulders.
It is a glorious day, warm and sunny a welcome change from the clouds of the past few days. I finally saw the moon last night, pearly white, wrapped in a dress of hazy fog. I went from window to window at work, until I was able to get a look. Tonight the rain comes and I will no doubt miss the beauty again. No matter, I think, as the light of the moon seems to find me no matter how covered she is. She seems to be filling me with her illumination these days, as a new side of me awakens. I scarcely know myself at times. There is a fire burning in me and my responses to some things are growing impassioned, if that is the correct word. The assertiveness that has so long eluded me seems to be pushing out from someplace deep inside and I find myself looking at things I have said and listening to myself with surprise. I am still figuring out what to do with this person and eventually I will be able to temper my reactions as I blend her into the colors that make up who I am.
Still I think I have reached a crossroad and I will never tolerate things that have so easily slipped by me before. I found myself remembering people from past jobs and past years, people I allowed to speak to me in such a way that was totally unacceptable. I don’t know why this incident comes to mind but I was at work and a monitor we were using was malfunctioning. The nurse who was in charge at the time cornered me in the room and began insisting that I had done something to cause it. She went on and on in an accusatory tone, totally out of line. I can see her face vividly and wonder now, why I didn’t face her down and tell her to step off. It seems there are people who have to be “dealt with” before they will treat you respectfully, a concept I will never understand. I suppose there will be more people who pop up like this to be dealt with and then calmly dismissed. Perhaps it is time to break out my journal and write things down.
If the rain is delayed I will be out on my deck tonight, wrapped in a blanket under the moon and stars. It is time for me to walk with them again as I awaken to this new side of me.