The summer days move by quickly, Autumn close on our heels. We wait now to see what happens with the house of choice and as others are filled with anticipation of things to come, I find myself with uncertain feelings, traveling a road I am not certain I want to be on. It is not the house, as I like it very much, it is a feeling of being trapped, one I find hard to explain. Perhaps it is the fatigue and stress associated with this process as certainly both have been overwhelming. My family needs a home but a part of my soul feels resigned and at times I worry I will pull within, closing myself off for survival.
Surely this will seem childish and whiny to many. I know I am fortunate to even think of buying a home, when so many are losing theirs. I am fortunate to have a roof over my head, though right now that roof is small and we are cramped together. These feelings are real, however, and if I push them down or resign them to the pages of a private journal I fear I will never resolve them and move on.
Last night while I sat at my desk and surrounded myself with the moon. I realized how much I needed to feel her light and remembered the breathtaking reflection made on the still water of the lake. Too many details, phone calls and emails have pushed away the ability to hear the quiet voices and to understand this journey I am taking. Once settled, I imagine this will all pass and I will make sense of it. The moon can shine her light on the small pond behind the house I hope to purchase and maybe then those voices will return. Maybe the moon knows where it is I am traveling and why.