Last night I had planned to work with the moon, the full moon once again with us. How quickly the time passes and how little time I have had to give to myself. Last night proved no different and I was left swimming with thoughts, my mind going from one topic to another. Of course there are some things that take a more prominent position in that jumble and I found myself going over and back over those things.
The night left me wanting to write, badly, but I felt no one would understand what I was feeling or why. I tried to sleep but tossed, the clouds clearing and the moon shining down, the light streaming through the wooden shades of my window, reminding me of her presence. Today I have decided to write all of the things I have been feeling in list form. I cannot tie them together in some great write as I just do not know how. Perhaps in sharing them, someone will hear me and I will find I am not alone.
As the house comes together, my daughter has been helping by making purchases to decorate at the thrift store and the antique mall. This is all good and fine but though we had agreed on a style it seems her tastes run to retro 70’s. Please note I spent quite a while getting rid of this and have no desire to have it back. As I sat thinking about it all last night, I realized the house does not feel like my own and matters very little to me other than I am settled. I am not unhappy with my home, but it just does not mean as much as I suppose it should. I do not know how to say this without feeling guilty in a world where so many are struggling to hold on.
There are things I want in my life, things that are calling to me but are once again pushed away. I feel a sense of resignation and the need to be content with this life. I will find that place, but there will always be that gnawing deep within. It seems as I grow older, there is an awareness I did not have before. Perhaps this is a gift we are given once the days of youth are gone. That gift has made me acutely aware of places and people out there, some a strong part of me on this earth.
Some of these things cannot be shared as that is the way life is. While it may be my time to know, it may not be time for another. I am left to watch life unfold happy for the knowledge I have, but sometimes with a longing so great there are no words to express it. I have found that few people truly understand when I have tried to share this part of myself, so it is best left unsaid.
Perhaps the moon is leaving me unsettled, opening me for things that are yet to come my way. In the days and months to come there are many moons both dark and full to follow. Where life will take me I cannot be certain but for now it seems my path has led me here. All things will come in time, or so I have said. I think perhaps this is the time I am to journey down this road.