The weather has become officially November with gray skies and a distinct chill to the air, taking ones breath away. Still as memory serves me, it could be far worse. The geese make themselves heard from time to time though most have fled, and the little ducks have abandoned the pond for the winter. A layer of thin ice covers the water with designs from the small snowfalls we have had scattered across the surface.
The holidays are not an unwelcome thought this year. I am enjoying the planning and hope to have the lights in place, but not turned on, shortly. Of course in true holiday fashion my daughter is ill and so things are delayed. I refuse to do it all by myself this year and hope I am not eating those words as Thanksgiving day approaches finding me dangling from a ladder. It has been a tradition in the past to turn the lights on Thanksgiving night and I would like to have that tradition return. Stay tuned for more updates, or just drive by and watch.
A few days have gone by while I’ve struggled to write anything, even the most simple of words to describe my emotions. My restlessness has reached a peak though my body is tired and I find myself frustrated and not knowing what it is that leaves me so snappish. My family does not understand me and I am having to control my discontent so as not to be hurtful. Yesterday my mood spilled out over the edges and I am feeling rather bad about it now. I think my life wants to turn down another path and I am stuck at a roadblock trying to get through.
I suppose as time goes on I will need to find a way to blend those things I want with the life I have. While I am not sure how this will all work I suppose like all things I will find a way. Life goes on, the hours and days rolling by and it seems the passing of time reminds me, more urgently these days, that I am someone besides a mother, daughter and sister and that person is still trying so hard to find validation. It is often difficult for those who love you best, to see you as anything besides the person they want you to be, and this is where those around me will need to find a way. When we keep those we love too close, unwilling to watch them grow, the spark of life that fills them will one day leave quietly out the door, and often they will follow. No, I will not leave my family for they are part of me, but change will continue and it is, after all these years, time for me.