Thoughts on a Cold December Evening

Tonight, after deleting nine drafts, I realized I was having a bit of a problem expressing myself.  The last few days,  I have felt myself stumbling about, once again trying to figure out just who it is I am. How I came back to this point, truly I do not know, but there is a reign of confusion in my soul at the moment.

My other thought is,  perhaps I truly do know who I am but continue to live a life that cannot fully embrace  her. This is hard to put into words and I am still struggling with it.  There are those who would admonish me for my selfish thoughts, thoughts I am sure are not at all uncommon.   I find myself holding back  as I still concern myself with the thoughts of others, at least I guess I must.  I write and delete, write and delete, and it is starting to place a caution on the words I want to flow freely.

So there you have it.  I am working on letting go and finding someone who has no labels, someone who is not “this” or “that” but just me and getting a comfort level with that person. Once there I suppose I can start to write the things that are churning around inside of me.  Even as I write this, it is  with uncertainty not only about where this journey leads,  but what I will discover along the way.  Someone slightly new is trying to emerge, again.  So if I grace you with beautiful words of others, it is because I am working hard to find my own.


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8 thoughts on “Thoughts on a Cold December Evening

  1. Dear Golden,

    What a lovely place you have here!
    Usually when a creative person is growing/changing, there is always an amount of the inarticulate, (although I found your expression quite moving, really) that takes hold…as though the heart and mind, can’t quite synch. At my blog, I haven’t hardly posted a thing I have written…just the poems of others and music…odd..and I feel strange about it…but whatever.. I say.
    Then, while immersed in the world of others, I begin to find, at times, those
    echos returning to me, of their humanity reaching my heart..

    just as you have done tonight.

    Thank you

    song

    http://flyingmusic.wordpress.com/

    ********************************************
    How very beautiful and appropriate with the full moon making her entrance once again. I lost myself in the music. Thank you.
    ********************************************
    Now I have just found the lyrics and if you only knew. I cried.

  2. It is rarely fun or easy to do this kind of work. I think the one thing that helps me the most is to have at least one place where I feel safe to freely express myself without worry. It can be anywhere really, paper journal, online journal, a visit with friends, whatever it is that makes you the most comfortable. Once you start, you will find it becomes much easier over time.

  3. oh man…
    I know this, I had a woman verbally slam me today, hit all my buttons..
    felt so insecure and just so not myself…
    it’s a long hard road, to find yourself. I guess you have to do what ever works for you, and try and keep your ears tuned solely to your HEART!
    peace….
    and good journey

  4. Dear Golden,
    I am glad you found the song beautiful and that you found the lyrics of Vaga Luna. I will try hard not to bring a song to you whenever I visit. But i must say that after reading some of your writings..I heard that song.. I was tempted tonight to bring you “song to the moon” from Rusalka, by Dvorak..
    Have you ever heard it?
    It is Rene Fleming’s song really. I have it over at my virtual place…
    Yes, I take it, to each virtual blog..ha!

    Thank you Golden, for placing “song!” on your sidebar..

    how kind.

    love,

    song

  5. “So if I grace you with beautiful words of others, it is because I am working hard to find my own.”

    But your selection of the beautiful words of others will reveal the state of your thoughts. It’s almost like a thought-revealing mechanism.

  6. As Willy the Shake says- to thine own self be true-
    let your heart speak and to hell with what others think, people recognise creative struggle and writing/mining for words. This is your space to BE. Never mind what people think! I reckon its safer here than in certain other places, your writing has changed, grown and developed, you may not think that but its has, so there 🙂 x

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