Thoughts on a Cold December Evening

Tonight, after deleting nine drafts, I realized I was having a bit of a problem expressing myself.  The last few days,  I have felt myself stumbling about, once again trying to figure out just who it is I am. How I came back to this point, truly I do not know, but there is a reign of confusion in my soul at the moment.

My other thought is,  perhaps I truly do know who I am but continue to live a life that cannot fully embrace  her. This is hard to put into words and I am still struggling with it.  There are those who would admonish me for my selfish thoughts, thoughts I am sure are not at all uncommon.   I find myself holding back  as I still concern myself with the thoughts of others, at least I guess I must.  I write and delete, write and delete, and it is starting to place a caution on the words I want to flow freely.

So there you have it.  I am working on letting go and finding someone who has no labels, someone who is not “this” or “that” but just me and getting a comfort level with that person. Once there I suppose I can start to write the things that are churning around inside of me.  Even as I write this, it is  with uncertainty not only about where this journey leads,  but what I will discover along the way.  Someone slightly new is trying to emerge, again.  So if I grace you with beautiful words of others, it is because I am working hard to find my own.


8 thoughts on “Thoughts on a Cold December Evening

  1. Dear Golden,

    What a lovely place you have here!
    Usually when a creative person is growing/changing, there is always an amount of the inarticulate, (although I found your expression quite moving, really) that takes hold…as though the heart and mind, can’t quite synch. At my blog, I haven’t hardly posted a thing I have written…just the poems of others and music…odd..and I feel strange about it…but whatever.. I say.
    Then, while immersed in the world of others, I begin to find, at times, those
    echos returning to me, of their humanity reaching my heart..

    just as you have done tonight.

    Thank you


    How very beautiful and appropriate with the full moon making her entrance once again. I lost myself in the music. Thank you.
    Now I have just found the lyrics and if you only knew. I cried.

  2. It is rarely fun or easy to do this kind of work. I think the one thing that helps me the most is to have at least one place where I feel safe to freely express myself without worry. It can be anywhere really, paper journal, online journal, a visit with friends, whatever it is that makes you the most comfortable. Once you start, you will find it becomes much easier over time.

  3. oh man…
    I know this, I had a woman verbally slam me today, hit all my buttons..
    felt so insecure and just so not myself…
    it’s a long hard road, to find yourself. I guess you have to do what ever works for you, and try and keep your ears tuned solely to your HEART!
    and good journey

  4. Dear Golden,
    I am glad you found the song beautiful and that you found the lyrics of Vaga Luna. I will try hard not to bring a song to you whenever I visit. But i must say that after reading some of your writings..I heard that song.. I was tempted tonight to bring you “song to the moon” from Rusalka, by Dvorak..
    Have you ever heard it?
    It is Rene Fleming’s song really. I have it over at my virtual place…
    Yes, I take it, to each virtual blog..ha!

    Thank you Golden, for placing “song!” on your sidebar..

    how kind.



  5. “So if I grace you with beautiful words of others, it is because I am working hard to find my own.”

    But your selection of the beautiful words of others will reveal the state of your thoughts. It’s almost like a thought-revealing mechanism.

  6. As Willy the Shake says- to thine own self be true-
    let your heart speak and to hell with what others think, people recognise creative struggle and writing/mining for words. This is your space to BE. Never mind what people think! I reckon its safer here than in certain other places, your writing has changed, grown and developed, you may not think that but its has, so there 🙂 x

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