It has been a quiet time for me, one of reflection and thought. There has been a struggle with words, my thoughts unable to find their way from a place inside. Even now as I write this I weigh my words with care. My journey is changing again and as look back over the past, I realized that some things that felt right when I started blogging, no longer paint a picture the person I am now. My writing is moving in different directions and while blogging is still a part of me, the words that will weave a story, whatever that story may choose to be, need to find their way.
My blogging began in November of 2006, after filling two journals with my thoughts. 2006 was a turning point in my life, starting quietly in the winter month of February and sweeping over me as spring melts away the winter snow. With spring came the summer and my family left my childhood home, moving to a new home, a beginning of many experiences. It was a good move, though I realize now looking back, I have always moved forward closing myself to the grief and sadness that often comes with change, “staying strong” for my family, the survivor I have always been.
In August of that year, I started walking the trail by the new home, getting in shape and enjoying beauty of the surroundings. During this time I fell into a deep sadness, something unexpected and something that left me as quickly as it arrived. The emotions that had been kept at bay for so many years stood before me demanding to be dealt with. I continued to walk during this time, thinking wisely that exercise would help and purchased the first of two journals. I began writing, my emotions pouring out onto the pages of this journal as I slowly began to awaken. Where I had been I have no idea, but no doubt the voices that called me from my sleep had been trying to reach me for many years but I could not hear them.
For reasons I will never be able to explain I found myself wandering a new path, searching for something that would fit. I tried a little of this and a little of that, noting all the while that not everything about me had changed. Too much structure on any spiritual path will make me run for the door. I am my own person and have been since I was a child, knowing whatever direction I follow it must be of my own making.
Now it is 2009 and I have been on this blog for two years. No, I am not leaving but perhaps redesigning things a bit. The person I was when I started Musings of the Night is not the person I am now. Parts of her remain but parts of her have changed. I still love the moon and the stars and realize the profound influences they have on my emotions, my words and my connections with the things around me. There is a connection with the earth and all that is part of it. There is still a deep bond for someone who lives across the ocean and perhaps has no idea. I will feel that bond until the day I leave this life and perhaps long after, taking it into whatever lives await me. Yes, I still believe in past lives, an idea I had never thought much about, but one I embrace fully after discovering a bond with another so powerful it is beyond explanation. I feel my days of talking about it are coming to a close as it has been and remains something few can understand. What I need to share should be for him and no one else. Whether I will share it remains to be seen, and it may be that these things go silently with me through this life. Awakenings can be a double-edged sword at times.
During this time I have called myself a pagan, and as time goes on I have become more uncomfortable with this and other terms. While it indeed be what I am, I find it is another label that brings with it stereotypes and ideas many of those being very much not me. I have strong beliefs about many things and will always have them. I will continue working with a blaze of candles as this is my element. I will also find myself by the water as it has always called me. There is a song “Water Shows the Hidden Heart.” How true these words are for me.
This has been a journey of belief, one that I have had to learn to travel alone. Over the past couple of months I have found that even those who are closest to me, do not support or believe in me. I have not shared much of my inner self with them and I am now thankful that I did not. What they have found out, quite by accident has been invalidated and dismissed as folly, not to my face but rather in my absence. While such a discovery has shaken me to the core, it will make me stronger and give me greater resolve. It will also sadly, make me even more private. It has also brought the realizations that no one can experience another persons’ journey and each of us must learn to believe and trust in the things we are shown and the messages we are sent.
There are many things I am still discovering as life is a journey of discovery. I do not know where it will lead me but I know there are still places that call to me, places where I think my soul belongs. I hope one day to find my way there. Through the looking glass I have wandered and I have seen in the mirror the reflections of who I was, who I am and who it is I am trying to become. The reflections of another year wait to be discovered.