Today has been a lazy day, long overdue, one spent lying about and trying to enjoy some music and poetry. I have been floating about the house, on the brink of some January bug or perhaps after all this time, making connections with myself. I am inclined to believe it may be a combination of the two, as dinner was a near catastrophe. I entered the kitchen to check on things and noticed I had placed the ready for oven turkey breast in to roast, all packaging included. I stood staring through the glass window of the oven door, wondering why things looked as they did. With a sudden moment of clarity and the accompanying gasp, I plucked it from the oven, removed the outer packaging, hiding it’s baked remains, and the turkey continued on to turn out great.
As I get back to myself I realize I have spent far too much time with negative energy. It had taken the joy from me and made me as angry and sour as the energy I was absorbing, that no doubt being the goal of the source. One day I realized I could no longer find the words to grace this page or any other, the beauty inside being buried under all the muck. I took a break, reassessed and realized this and more about myself. It is hard as a caretaker to realize I cannot fix others, only offer them suggestions. They may not take those suggestions and they might even throw them back at you. This is their choice and what I do in response is mine, mine being to move on. It seems some people find a home in unhappiness as sad as that may be.
There were more revelations than just the caretaking. I found myself in my usual impatient state, expecting this house to feel like home in just a move and an unpacked box. I am still working on it , realizing it can take months for “home” to happen. My Christmas present to myself, yes I bought myself something , has arrived. I am still not certain who is more stunned by the purchase, my family or myself. My laptop is here so now I am mobile. This should prove interesting in recording my thoughts and observations as I perhaps find a bit more time alone.
Along with all of these things, I have been trying to spend more time with meditation, something I used to do often. Life sometimes gets in the way and indeed it did. As I renew my efforts things get better day by day and I find myself getting in touch with old places and finding new ones as well. Last night I was outside with the dog and had it not been midnight, my very big son asleep, and the streets so empty I would have taken her for a walk under the stars. It is good to have a son who at almost sixteen still likes to go walking with you and we share moments that become memories.
Listen to me ramble on. I am not sure where it is all coming from, I only know that earlier today I found myself shopping for candles as most of them did not make the journey from the old house. As I browsed the colors with eager anticipation, I realized a part of me long absent was making her way back again.