Today has been a lazy day, long overdue, one spent lying about and trying to enjoy some music and poetry.   I have been floating about the house,   on the brink of some January bug or perhaps after all this time, making connections with myself.   I am inclined to believe it may be a combination of the two, as dinner was a near catastrophe.  I entered the kitchen to check on things and noticed I had placed the ready for oven turkey breast in to roast, all packaging included.  I stood staring through the glass window of the oven door, wondering why things looked as they did.  With a sudden moment of clarity and the accompanying  gasp, I plucked it from the oven, removed the outer packaging,  hiding it’s baked remains, and the turkey continued on to turn out great.

As I get back to myself I realize I have spent far too much time with negative energy.  It had taken the joy from me and made me as angry and sour as the energy I was absorbing, that no doubt being the goal of the source.  One day I realized I could no longer find the words to grace this page or any other, the beauty inside being buried under all the muck.  I took a break, reassessed and realized this and more about myself.  It is hard as a caretaker to realize I cannot fix others, only offer them suggestions. They may not take those suggestions and they might even throw them back at you.  This is their choice and what  I do in response is mine, mine being to move on.  It seems some people find a home in unhappiness as sad as that may be.

There were more revelations than just the caretaking. I found myself in my usual impatient state, expecting this house to feel like home in just a move and an unpacked box.  I am still working on it , realizing it can take months for “home” to happen. My Christmas present to myself, yes I bought myself something , has arrived.  I am still not certain who is more stunned by the purchase, my family or myself.  My laptop is here so now I am mobile.  This should prove interesting in recording my thoughts and observations as I perhaps find a bit more time alone.

Along with all of these things, I have been trying to spend more time with meditation, something I used to do often. Life sometimes gets in the way and indeed it did. As I renew my efforts things get better day by day and I find myself getting in touch with old places and finding new ones as well.  Last night I was outside with the dog and had it not been midnight, my very big son asleep, and the streets so empty I would have taken her for a walk under the stars.  It is good to have a son who at almost sixteen still likes to go walking with you and we share moments that become memories.

Listen to me ramble on. I am not sure where it is all coming from, I only know that earlier today I found myself shopping for candles as most of them did not make the journey from the old house.  As I browsed the colors with eager anticipation, I realized a part of me long absent was making her way back again.


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