Today I am finally getting around to making a Mabon dinner. It is not the turkey I was craving but a lasagna instead. I have been hard pressed to be domestic this week, happy to disappear with my thoughts and words. Yesterday while I had some very rare time alone, I spent it listening to music, drifting to the many Autumn selections highlighted on a classics station. I do not listen to music enough and I that is something I need to change with the seasons. There are many suggestions on what to do for the fall equinox, how to celebrate, but I think sometimes it is easy to get caught up in structure and ritual when in fact it is best to let yourself get lost in nature and appreciate what is around you. More and more I move away from the structure I first tried so hard to follow when first on this path. I thought it was the right thing to do, not realizing most references available center themselves around structure and ceremony, tools and decorations. All of this felt much like religions of earlier days and as time went on I knew I had not found a fit. I do not do structured religion well and so I set off on my own to figure out who and what I was. I am still searching.
Then there was this Goddess thing. It was the call of the divine from within yes, but also a call heard from places other than within, something I could not explain or ignore. It was not a female awakening in the usual sense, giving me the need to howl or otherwise assert my “I am woman hear me roar” side. I ran into quite a bit of roaring along the way and while that is a good thing for those who feel the need, I think the Goddess had different plans for me. She awakened me to feelings I had never experienced, feelings both gentle and impassioned. The Goddess walks with me, make no mistake about it, teaching me about love, what it is and what it is not, opening me to words and expression I had never known.
There is so much I need to learn about, so much I need to read but I think again listening to what is around you is sometimes one of the greatest teachers. I know when I started this I had something to say but I think the usual interruptions of the day made me lose some of it. This road I walk sometimes moves into the shadows and shows me things I never knew were there. It has called me back to nature and has stirred my soul to other places and people, giving me a sense of restlessness to journey to a place I think I belong. It has called me since I was a small child, long before I knew whose voice I heard.
Forgive my ramblings, it seems to go on and on today, the words I started with on Sunday night now coming almost too quickly. There are those who will make no sense of me, but others who will recognize at least a part of what I say. Dinner is done and a beautiful sunset greets me, a sunset like all sunsets, made to be relished. Sometimes even a sunset can hold words you might not hear, unless you listen. I am off to listen.