This morning I joined a forum, something I vowed I would never do again. I have had my experiences in the past on pagan forums, most of them not good. Still, it gets to be a lonely world at times when you need someone to talk to about this and that. You may find some relationships along the way but at times they may not meet your needs. It seems no matter where you go you run into the adjectives true, proper, wild, real and so forth attached to those following their decided pagan paths. A real one does this, a true on that. A wild one is this, on and on. I get tired of it all as I am just me. I guess I have no need to shout it from the rooftops proclaiming myself the end all expert and telling others how they should and should not practice their craft. Often this “rules and regulations” are based off one path alone or even off the persons own personal fears or misconceptions. I am getting off track here, the residual frustration from experiences over the summer rearing up since last night. I am not good at expressing my anger with people and I suppose I should have expressed it from the beginning and moved on.
There are so many out there on the internet, pagan experts, and those who would present themselves as beautiful lights to follow on a solitary journey. Often once you move past the first sparkle of that light you may find something completely different residing within. Such was my experience with someone I had known for over two years and it still leaves me quiet and somewhat guarded at times. I suppose it was the catalyst for the new blog having almost closed my blogs entirely. I no longer wanted to share my thoughts, opening my heart and soul to scrutiny. When this obstacle was overcome, I would find myself paralyzed, the words criticizing my lack of mastery of the English language, echoing in my head. My practices were questioned and my experiences shared made a mockery of. My character was questioned to others and I lost others I had known along the way. So it is when we put ourselves out there. We open to a world filled with beauty as well as things not so beautiful.
Some sort of mending has been going on, but I do not think it will ever be repaired. Some things once said can never be taken back , glossed over or worked through. My trust was shaken and though it was a rough ride, I will be stronger for it, gaining the knowledge of who I am and who I am not. I will once again dip my toe in the waters of trust and see if I can find something new.